A Reckless Bet.

Ryder 2 - shattered porcelain

friday - 4.23pm

Raging from anger I threw my half filled cup of tea against the wall. It shattered in a thousand pieces but I couldn't care less. Like I hadn't cared about anything those last few weeks.

The encounter with Everly had made me lose control of everything. Those walls I had build up these last two years, were shut down in a second. My demons closed off deep inside me came up and I couldn't control them.

Why did she have to be there? Why did she feel the need to 'apologize' to Zarah. Why did she feel the need to go the the goddamn cemetery, to her grave.

I hated her with my whole existence and wanted to forget her but I couldn't help but be bothered by everything that she did. I saw how this year she again was the perfect student, just like the year right after what had happened. It made my blood boil as it seemed like she didn't even care about what happened. She lived her happy, purple, glittery life on and probably didn't even look back. The only damn thing she cared about was herself.

"God fucking damn it!" I hissed in exasperation, as I cut myself with a sharp piece of ceramic from the cup.

"Ryder! Watch your language." My mother scolded me as she just stepped inside the kitchen. She widened her eyes at the sight and immediately put the grocery bags aside.

I just pulled out the ceramic and a bloody cut decorated my hand. Nothing I wasn't used to.

"What happened?" She asked with eyes filled with concern, stepping closer and putting her hand on my upper arm.  "You okay?"

"Nothing mama. I just let it slip." I lied without even feeling bad for just a second.

She nodded while softly pushing me aside and motioning me to go out of the kitchen. "It's okay, I got this. Go take a nap Ryder"

I forced a smile at my mother and left the kitchen. As if I needed that nap.

Right when I got upstairs I walked into an all smiley Cameron.

He's my best friend and because of his parents being divorced and both chose to go live in another state, my mom and dad decided to take him in to finish high school here.

Although we both graduated a year ago, and we both lived on our own now, we both still came over every Wednesday for dinner. Well technically I lived together with my business partner but you get what I mean.

I frustratedly pushed him aside and continued my way to my room. Once in my room I let myself fall forwardly on my bed.

"Whoa, Ry, wait a sec!" I heard Cameron demand as he, of fucking course, once again had ran after me.

"What?" I snapped, my voice being muffled by my duvet covers.

"What's up?" I felt the bed dip and I knew Cameron was laying down beside me.

I rolled on my back to face him.

"Nothing." I stated, taking note of his twinkling eyes, as if he was very happy about something.

Destruction. That was what was happening. But I didn't want to bother him with my feelings. Always was I the one to bother him, sure, he did come to me a few times when he needed help but mostly I was the one who needed help. Who was too incapable of sorting things out.

His phone started to ring but he ignored it.

He nudged my shoulder, "C'mon Ry, I know something is bothering you. I am not fucking blind."

"Pick up your goddamn phone." I demanded while rolling my eyes.

Right as he picked up a soft feminine voice came through. He gave me an unsure, almost wary look while rubbing the back of his neck.

As he saw I just listened he jumped up and retreated in the hallway. That boy sure isn't up for something all holy.

I then sighed and stood up. My door slammed close as I kicked it with my foot. Why can't people shut my fucking door after they leave.

-

My eyes scanned the wall in front of me.

It used to be my favorite wall, although now I actually despised it. Especially the thoughts that came with looking at it. The nostalgia, but this was the bad kind of nostalgia. The kind of nostalgia that I had tried to push away.

On a rainy afternoon, Zarah came with the cute idea to decorate my simple white wall with memories, together. I remember smiling so wide at her I thought the corners of my mouth would split. I wanted that afternoon to never end, it was so full of glory, so full of life.

But it wasn't complete. There had to be someone else in her place.

It was about a month or two before we broke up. Back then for unknown reasons. But I couldn't get myself to remove all of the stuff we had decorated my wall with.

First the two, now yellowed, train tickets we had pinned up above each other. Just because they were the tickets to our first date, where we had gone to the theme park in the city nearby.

Besides that's my favorite photograph of me and Everly sleeping, wrapped up in each others arms. Zarah had took this picture just because she thought it was a cute sight.

Stepping closer I admired the photograph with burning eyes. My lip trembled but I tried to keep my tears inside. The inside of my nose started to irritate but I didn't budge.

I lazily traced the outline of her on the picture, leaning against the wall.

The intention Zarah and I had with our relationship was insane. But that only made me more obsessed.

The fact that Zarah made me almost lose that intention. Zarah was the best I ever could've gotten for that.

Next was the birthday card with Everly had sent me when I turned fifteen. Inside it she had written all the things she liked about us being in a relationship. She did the relationship thing good.

I hastily grabbed it off the wall and opened it.

'I like that being with you makes me feel like I belong to someone.'

'I like that you act like I can live.'

I read the words and her voice came through and read the card out loud.

Letting out a sigh I slid my back down the wall and let my head rest upon my bowed knees.

I heard my door open and rolled my eyes.

"Ryder?" Cameron came walking inside, of course.

"Hm?" I looked up to find his concerned face.

"You alright bro?"