A Reckless Bet.

Ryder 19 - slipping away

friday - 8.47am

I saw it on her face. I saw it the minute she stepped inside. The faint smile around her lips a distinct carrier of the news she was gonna bring.

For a few months now I had been expecting this. I knew Kendrick, I knew what his dreams were, I knew who his dream was. And sure, I couldn't blame him. But it hurt nonetheless.

I forced a smile onto my lips as I looked at her, "Hey. How are you?"

She smiled, a wide, happy smile. The corners of her eyes crinkled a little as her eyes glimmered in the light. "I'm good, great actually."

My heart ached in my chest. A smile, probably a little too wide, worn on my lips. "How that so?"

She calmly put her jacket away before she sat down at the desk, rotating in her chair so she was facing me again. She excitedly extended her left hand, showing me the ring.

It was definitely a perfect fitting ring. A narrow silver band, decorated with a bunch of small colored stones. It was so Everly.

"I got engaged." She stated, the words sounding foreign coming from her mouth. "Yesterday we had dinner together and he asked me."

I swallowed, "Congratulations. Love that for you two."

Don't try to sound too excited now Ryder. Way to go.

She didn't seem to notice as she studied her ring, smiling while touching it softly.

"Thank you Ry, appreciate that."

"Soo," I dragged on a little, "You planning on getting married soon then right?"

She grinned, "Not really, I want to finish college first. It was more like a promise to each other."

Sweet. "Get that. Congrats."

She smiled at me once again, her bright one million dollar smile. The one that tugged at my heart, the one that opened the little door in my heart just enough to let some fondness seep through.

The fondness I had been hiding for so long, the fondness I wanted to get rid of but nothing had worked.

I had tried. I thought I succeeded. But I had failed once again.

-

It was early spring what meant that the weather had softened. The nights weren't as long as they used to and the day stayed alive for longer. 

I stepped outside and locked the door behind me. Instead of staying inside for the rest of the night I had decided to go and walk around for a little while. It had been a busy day, consisting of me helping customers and in the free minutes of avoiding Everly. I don't really know why but I wanted to keep some space between us.

So when I finally found a moment to continue doing some of the paperwork, it felt a little awkward working together. But I had chosen to not say anything- as if I knew what to say anyway.

I wasn't really upset, but I just wish things would've been different. I know now that I don't really belong in her life anymore, that the place we once were in didn't exist anymore. And that was okay.

I don't know why I still cared so much. I really shouldn't. But I do.

And I wish I knew how I could stop caring. Because I never was, nor never will be the guy who watches along the side line. But to be completely honest, I had been that guy for too long and just now it started actually biting me in the ass.

The sound of water flowing in a constant motion made me aware of my surroundings. I had walked all the way up to the river while deep in thoughts.  Lowering myself onto the grass alongside the water I breathed the fresh air in. The air wore a sharp layer of the passing cold but there was already a tinge from spring in the air. It felt weird.

This whole year felt weird. I felt weird. And more surprisingly, it felt wrong. Like winter wasn't supposed to leave to make place for his sister spring.

Actually, I really despised the thoughts running through my head. Every damn day and every damn night. And it were always the same thoughts too.

On one side there were the usual questions: What if things between me and Everly would've gone different? What if I didn't act like such an asshole for all those years, what if she still was able to trust me? What if she would've loved me back?

Lately there had started to bubble up more questions. What if I could start over? What if I could leave everything behind and start completely blank without the people from the past.

And honestly, those questions had been intriguing. Because what would actually happen if I could just start over?

I grabbed a handful of the water, to let it slowly seep through my fingers. It was still freezing cold, no surprise though as you remember that the water came straight from the melting snow in the mountains. As good as I tried to hold the water, it still slipped away.

Scoffing at the irony of it, I grabbed another handful. It really was a visualization of my life, wasn't it. Every time I thought I had something, as good as I tried to hold onto it, in the end it would always slip away.

Nobody knew that I was trying so hard, but how could they? I was on my own, like I had been for years. Nobody knew the secrets that laid deep down in me. And I think I'm better off that way.

The people in my life and I both hadn't tried to get along. I never felt the need to get close with someone after her.

With that in mind, I stood up. Dusting off my clothes I nodded, agreeing with myself.

My time here was up.