A Reckless Bet.

Ryder 12 - everything was for nothing

Trigger warning: SH has a place in this chapter

saturday 1.20am

Watching her back as she hurried away from me I sighed deeply. Why, just why did I have to lash out on her so bad?

Something in me wanted to follow her, tell her I was sorry and I didn't mean it. That it was all gonna be okay between us again but I didn't. I stood there like this asshole that didn't give a shit about somebody else's feelings.

I hated it, I hated that I couldn't handle myself and my emotions and drive her away again. It had been hard to win her back as a friend and now I decides it would be a good time to drive her away again? Good job Ryder.

As I turned I saw Lucinda standing in the doorway. She had her brows furrowed as she just watched me.

"Ryder. What did you do?" She sighed, notifying me that she must've heard everything as I hadn't bothered to close the door.

I clenched my jaw, "It doesn't even matter anymore. I fucked up again."

"Ryder come on, go follow her and explain. You definitely can't brush her off like that, she came with you to the hospital just to support you."

After a short silence she spoke up again, "How's she getting home?"

I shrugged, tugging at my hair, "She'll find a way."

"You're a dick." She scoffed, "You acted like a total douchebag with her tonight. She literally got you coffee and you didn't even tell her thank you. Hell, you didn't even thank her for coming with you, an ungrateful piece of shit. That's what you are. Your ego is hanging before you eyes because you're clearly not seeing right."

"What was I supposed to do, huh? Jason is half done and will probably take a while to recover if he does and I'm fucking worried about what will happen to the shop now and I couldn't stand her thinking about those stupid things like coffee."

She looked at me with a hurt expression. "That coffee was a thoughtful thing, I was really grateful that she thought of that in this situation. She's just too good for you, I would've smacked you in the face. You don't deserve her anyway."

I gritted my teeth and crossed my arms but chose to not say anything back. She was right. Everly didn't deserve to be treated like this, I really didn't deserve her.

"Oh so now you're silent?" She raised a brow at me as she sat down on the bed of Jason. She caressed his hand and stroked his face a little.

I sighed, sucking in my bottom lip. "I'm sorry."

She looked at me with a expression I couldn't really place. "Are you dumb?"

"What, why?" I asked.

"What about you go say sorry to her, not me?" She shook her head, "Unbelievable."

"Fine." I said, fed up with her knowing it all better than me. "I'll be right back." I mumbled while walking right out the door.

As I arrived downstairs in the waiting room, where I had figured she would wait either for her ride or me.

But she wasn't there. The only ones in the waiting-room were a family, waiting for someone in the hospital I think.

As soon as I stepped outside I saw a truck drive away. An all too familiar truck. Kendricks truck to be precise.

Annoyed I rolled my eyes, see, she didn't even lie when she said she'd call him. All the while I'm wasting my time on her.

I spit on the ground as I lit a cigarette. Fucking Everly, she wasn't even there and here I am already getting fed up over her again.

Inhaling the smoke I thought about her. It wasn't like she'd ever need me like I needed her. My whole body ached when I saw that truck drive away, knowing too well she'd called him and he was of course more than willing to come pick her up.

-

Completely done with everything I arrived home a few hours later. I had comforted Lucinda for a bit more after I got back. She knew Everly got a ride from Kendrick but she didn't seem fazed. I quote "That's good. Finally she sees in she's worth more than your ungrateful ass." And if that wasn't enough she added a "He'd treat her right though."

I grabbed a beer and I walked towards the bathroom. I didn't want to lose Everly to Kendrick. I mean the fact they were friends was already getting on my nerves. I knew damn well Everly was attractive, especially Kendricks type. Usually I'd tell the boys to lay back and get the filthy eyes off of what's mine but the fact was, she wasn't mine. She'd never been mine.

I turned on the shower after I got out of my clothes. My tensed shoulders relaxed a bit underneath the warm water. Letting my current playlist blast out of my speakers I sat down on the floor and let the water hit me.

I know I shouldn't want to be in control of who liked Everly or who Everly liked. But I low key wanted that. I wanted to be the only one who'd got a say in her life, not Kendrick or Cameron but me. I wanted her to want me, but I realized that wasn't gonna be easy. Hence the fact I kept messing up and frustrations seeking a way out.

Fiddling around with the razor blade I found on the counter I debated whether I should call her or not. On one side I really really should apologize before things got out of hand further. The other side was that she was probably asleep and not gonna pick up her phone, even if she'd wake up and see it was me.

That was what pained me the most. Even if she did pick up she would be mad, and she had every right to. I hate what I said and did to her. I wish I could go back in time and not say all those things while knowing how much I'd hurt her with them. Because I knew. I knew which things would hit her like a brick in her face, I knew her exact pain-points, I knew how she'd react. But I still did it.

"Fuck." I hissed when I unconsciously had pressed the blade against my upper leg. I made my hand go a straight line with it. The blade ripping my flesh apart.

The pain hit me like a bitch. It was immense, almost out of this world. My teeth sank into my bottom lip to suppress a groan.

But I enjoyed it, all of it. I kept going. Seeing the blood mix with the water from the shower. The water hitting the exact cuts I made. The feeling of agony finally taking over my thoughts. Finally I wasn't doing anything anymore but just enjoying the pain. I was in control again.

That the thoughts in my head kept going over each other and my sight got blurry, didn't faze me. I wanted this. I wanted to fucking hurt myself, it was the only thing keeping me from going bat shit crazy right now.

I let the razor go over my skin repeatedly. Every-time I tried to get deeper until eventually I couldn't bear the pain anymore. My blood turned the whole shower red as it mixed with the water. I almost could taste the blood in my mouth.

As I let my head hit the wall the lyrics from the current song blasting came drowning in.

"Don't be sad"
"The sun is shining"
"Just be happy"
"Why you whining?"
Waiting room is getting crowded
"You're not special you're not special"

I bit down on my trembling lip. My tears now mixed with the water already on my body. I fucking hated this. I hated that I couldn't control my own feelings at this point anymore. I kept pushing the people closest to me away. I flushed the second chances I got from everyone down the drain.

And what did it do, what was it for? Nothing. It didn't do anything. It only made me realize how much of a failure I had become. How stupid my mistakes were. I was a damn failure and I kept making sure everyone knew that.

I turned off the shower but everything was too blurry. I stood up to get out of the shower but I tripped and my head hit the wall.

Fed up with everything I punched the bathroom wall. That my hands hurt didn't bother me.