Teach Me To Be Gay (BoyxBoy)

Part Twenty-four

Let me just say, my hands are shaking like my butt was shaking to the music last night, they're sweating like- okay, I won't continue that. But they're shaking, sweating, my heart is beating ten times too fast, and I think I'm about to faint. Why the fuck did I agree to this?

The funny part?

We haven't even left the house yet.

I know, I know, I'm getting completely worked up and we still haven't left the house. We have another six or so hours before we even have to be at the university for our classes, and I just can't sleep. Because I'm shaking and sweating and all I can think is 'I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this' over and over again, like a little mantra inside my head. Except I think mantras are meant to be encouraging and this is the opposite.

And so, I lay in bed, trying to get some sleep, but only being able to think 'I can't do this' as if I'm going to be walking through the university's doors any moment now. Which I'm not.

Justin, fucking breathe, calm down and sleep. That's the rational part of me coming into play again, I guess. But obviously, if you have a rational side, you've gotta have an irrational side. Mine conveniently decides that now would be the perfect time to manoeuvre its way into the conversation.

Justin, remember what you've gotta do later today? Scary, right? Have fun with that, boy. Oh my fucking gosh, can it just go away? I'd love to be left with a little piece before I- No, don't even think it. It's way too fucking terrifying.

Leave the boy alone, he's got enough problems as it is! He doesn't need you telling him that he needs to be scared about what he's gonna do, he's shaking as it is. It'll be fine, Justin. Yeah, right. Fine. I can deal with fine, it'll be fine. In fact, it'll be great!

I close my eyes again, squeezing them as tight as possible. I feel like a teenager fretting about the first day of school. Except this is much, much more fear-worthy than that. But for now, I don't need to worry, right? I need to sleep. Just sleep. Close eyes, fall asleep, simple as that.

But these covers are way too hot. I shove them off the bed, despite it being the beginning of winter. I like it though, this feeling of fresh air touching my bare chest and bare legs. It's like Heaven amidst the Hell of my thoughts.

Which reminds me... Gosh, I'm not gonna be able to go through with this. But I said I would, and I can't exactly back down now, because that would make me feel so terrible and Kade really deserves better than that. I mean, I told him I would, so I will. And he's gonna be there, so it'll be okay. He'll be able to stop me from panicking or completely freaking out. But what if I back out at the last minute? I'd feel so bad. I have to do this, don't I?

I decide that laying here, letting myself get colder, isn't exactly going to help. So, despite now somehow being freezing cold, I get up and walking downstairs, clad in nothing but my boxers, to the kitchen.

Food, food will help me to calm down a little.

Opening up the refrigerator, I peer inside, my eyes landing on a carton of milk, which I grab in one hand, taking a glass from the side to pour it into.

The feel of cool milk running down my throat doesn't help me to feel any warmer, but I like it. It calms me, it gives me a distraction so I don't have to panic so much.

After drinking the glass of milk, I put some bread into the toaster, spinning the little dial until it comes to the number two. My fingers are tapping against the side of my leg as I wait – I swear I'm never this impatient. It feels like forever has passed me by when I finally hear the click of the dial, indicating that the toast is done. I eat it quickly, not really bothering with butter or jam. I'm just hungry, and I just need something to do.