Teach Me To Be Gay (BoyxBoy)

Part Three

“Hey, Justin, how's it been? Good weekend without me?” I nod, uncomfortable as I'm surrounded by my friends. Not that I'm really that close to any of them. Tony looks over at me, all traces of teasing gone. “You okay there?” I nod again and he can tell I'm lying, but doesn't grace me with a comment on it, for which I'm thankful.

“Where's Kade?” I sigh, not liking the question, but trying not to be too obvious about it.

“Coming.”

I keep my answers to one or two words after that, wishing they'd all shut up with the small talk as we wait for Kade to join us. It's obvious they can sense I'm not in the mood for talking as they seem to talk between themselves for a while. A couple of the guys are whispering and I can tell that it's about me. I can hear their words clearly. They wonder if I'm having an off day, then laugh over the fact that I could be PMS-ing. I don't find it funny.

A punch in the arm brings me back to reality. I stare up at Kade as he grins at me. “Hey mate, got class in five minutes. We better get going.” He turns to address the group, “Sorry guys, talk later.” They all mutter a goodbye and fist-bump Kade, ignoring my existence. Then we leave.

 As soon as we turn the corner, I'm rounding in on him. “What was that?” My voice is low, just above a whisper as I confront him.

 "What?”

 “You just- You acted so normal! Have you already forgotten what happened?” I swear I sound as if I'm hissing at him, and I sound horrible.

 “Maybe you should remind me,” he teases me, snaking a hand into my hair. But there are people here. And even if there weren't, I'd still shove him away like I do now.

 “What the Hell? We're in public.”

 “So?” He challenges me, raising an eyebrow. Is he gay all-of-a-sudden?

 “Are you gay?” I can't help the three words from spilling from my lips.

 “Well, it sure looks like it. And it looks like you are too.” He smirks and I want to wipe it away, no, kiss it away. I almost slap myself then. He's a guy – I chant it inside my head.

 “No, I'm not. So, fuck off.”

Then I turn on my heel and I get out of there as fast as I can without looking insane.

I skip class for the whole day, knowing that if I go, I'll end up landing the seat next to Kade as I always do. In every lesson. Plus, I'm not in the mood for art today, which is weird as it's the only subject I'm studying at university – albeit, in different areas too. Today I have sketching, painting and the history of art. Only three lessons, but still, three lessons sitting too close to him.

So I wander round town instead, pretending I don't have class today, when really tomorrow is the day I don't have class.

 I'm lucky not to bump into any teachers who know my schedule and aren't teaching. That'd be tough to explain.

 'Well, I think I'm gay and like my best friend who shares the exact same schedule to me and we always sit together. I kissed him the other day and now he's saying he likes me but I'm not gay, at least I don't want to be, so I'm ignoring him instead. And ignoring him means skipping class as he's in those too.' Somehow, I doubt that'll go down well. Maybe I'd be sent to a mental asylum, or if not something so drastic, the university's idea of a fucking councillor. Whom I don't like much at all.

 At the end of the day, I have nowhere to go and so I end up going home. That means to Kade's place.

 As I walk, I ponder over everything and anything. Like whether I should insist to pay more towards the bills at Kade's place, since it's practically mine too. I mean, I live there every day apart from maybe one night each two or three months. Doesn't that count as living there? So, I should be paying too. Which would mean getting a job, if my dad wasn't the kind of guy to give me as much money as I want and need. He seems to think money can buy you anything – even forgiveness, love, happiness. But I've never believed that, despite his terrible influences.

 When I get home, I let myself in with my key – okay, I really should be paying considering I have my own key – and open the door to find silence. I let it shut slowly. I'm too aware now, it's too silent.

 Creeping up the stairs, I silently pray that we haven't been the victim of a thief or that Kade hasn't been kidnapped (not that anyone could manage that) or that he hasn't run away. For some reason, I don't think I'd live, despite my insistence that I'm not, and never will be, gay. Maybe it's just because we're best friends.

 Although, I know that isn't the real reason.

 I peer into his room and am relieved to see him asleep, safe and sound. He lays on top of the covers, clad in his boxers as if he remembered to strip but not to actually get under the covers. Maybe he was just really tired. Or maybe he wanted you to see him like this. But I push away the voice.

 I leave his room then, not wanting to look any longer.

 Taking the stairs two at a time, I make my way to the office where his computer is. Logging on, I find everything to do with paying the bills and type in my credit card number next to his debit card number, deciding that now I'm going to pay my fair share of the bills for the house we'd been sharing for the past few years, ever since I turned sixteen and got fed up of my parents. Ever since his parents died in the car crash and left the house to him. Technically he wasn't allowed in the house without an adult, but my dad made some deals for him and we pretended that his aunt was living with us for the first two years, till we turned eighteen. Then we pretended she moved out.

 Now, we're nineteen, sharing a house which I doubt either of us will be leaving any time soon, in our second year of university, and I feel old. Maybe it's the fact that I'm now paying half the bills. Well, technically my dad is, but the little details don't matter.

 I start to feel tired and go upstairs, glad to find that everything's still silent. Kade's probably still sleeping, so I don't bother checking his room. There's really no point.

 When I walk into my room, I almost scream from what I see.

 “Shit man, you scared the life outta me.” I'm gasping for air, finding it hard to breath.

 “You okay, mate? Look like you can't breathe.”

 I'm choking a little, I'll admit.

 I hold up my index finger, an indication that I'll be one minute.

 “I can help you.”

 I don't know what he means. To be honest, I don't care. He's too close now, just inches away, my back almost touching his bare chest as his hot breath fans over my ear. He turns me around and starts kissing me. I immediately stop choking. It's like, I don't know, like he's giving me the air to breath with as we kiss. Or like I just don't need air because I'm kissing him. I suppose the latter makes more sense.

 I'm the first to break off. I can't do it. It's wrong. I'm not gay, I'm not gay. I keep repeating those three words in my mind. I'm not gay.

 “I- I can't do this, Kade.”

 He looks disappointed, but without a word he gets up and leaves. I hear his bedroom door shutting, and it seems so distant. It's only just down the hall.

 I lie down again, shaking.

 Is it wrong that I want to chase after him, kiss him, say 'fuck off' to the rest of the world and just be with him?