Teach Me To Be Gay (BoyxBoy)

Part Sixteen

I haven't moved. Since I fell asleep, I haven't moved. Except I know that last night consisted of nightmare after nightmare. Partially because I can remember snippets of them. I can remember the ending of all of them. They all ended with Kade and I not being together anymore. No matter what happened in them, that was the ending. It was as if my mind was showing me all the different things that could happen to split us up.

Needless to say, I feel sick and just terrible. Looking over at Kade, I only find more confirmation that I had nightmares last night. His eyes have dark bags under them and his whole face looks generally tired. Yet he still looks back at me, trying to cover his yawn, as he gives a weak smile.

Oh shit, I've been keeping him up.

"Kade, fuck, shit, I'm so sorry, get some sleep." My eyes flicker over to the clock. "It's the weekend anyway." I look at him as he attempts to shake his head, but his eyes are dull and the huge yawn that escapes his mouth lets me know that he needs some rest. "Kade, sleep, please, for me."

I don't know why, but that has him nodding. Immediately, he lays his head back against the pillow and is out cold, his eyelids falling and his gentle breathing filling the room. It makes me feel more peaceful. It makes me forget the nightmares. Just his breathing in this silence makes me feel a million times better.

I watch him sleeping for a few moments longer, but as for me, I really need a run right now. I need to get out of here. So, I stick on some shorts and a vest top, alongside my socks, then running down the stairs to put on my trainers and get out the door. I think I make it outside in a matter of thirty seconds. I just really need the fresh air.

I take the route to our hidden pathway. Winding through streets, passing people I've never seen before, listening to the cars whizzing by, veering right to the pathway, finding the tree, pulling back branches, I'm here.

Walking down the pathway, I make my way to the meadow. And then I stop, half way down the path, dead still. I have no control, I just stop. Because I remember what happened in one of the nightmares now. Images and scenes are playing in my mind.

"What the fuck do you mean, Justin?" He's shouting. Kade, my boyfriend, is shouting. At me.

A tear escapes my eye, but I wipe it away out of fury, and because he can't see me cry. He can't see the effect he has on me. The way he makes me weak. He's my Achilles heel, and I hate that he makes me so much weaker than anyone else can.

"It's- Gosh, this is so fucking stupid! Just leave me the fuck alone Kade, I can't do this, leave me alone!" I can barely breathe and my breathing picks up a million paces. It feels like there's a box stuck in the middle of my throat, it's stopping me from getting air into my lungs and I'm gasping. Kade, help me. I want to call out the words, but I'm mad. And I can't breathe, the attempt would be useless.

Gasping for air still, I run to the front door. I practically tear it off of the hinges before running outside, barefoot. The sky is full of wind, a huge gust coming my way and throwing me slightly off balance. But I continue to run. I need to get away from here.

I don't know where I'm going, I just wind in and out of people, making my way through the streets, down pathways, until finally I step back and take a look around me. I know where I am. It's the pathway to the meadow.

I pull back the branches back and start walking down the path, at an extremely slow pace, as I let my mind steer itself towards different thoughts and images, replaying that fight back in my mind. I can't even remember what we were fighting over. This is so damn fucked up.

I get to the meadow, walking to the middle of the circle of green grass, then laying down and staring up at the darkening sky. I don't know what time it is, but the sun has just about set and the sky is turning a navy blue that almost terrifies me, until I realise that my emotions are just on overdrive right now, there's nothing to be scared about.