Love Grows (Love series: book 3)

Chapter 11.

Ella  

Sitting in DR. Lawson's office, I've been doing my therapy for almost three months now. And it is helping, talking to someone about the events that have happened over the last year, I'm getting better too, the nightmares are barely there anymore, the anxiety is not as strong, but I still have it.

I don't think I'm done with therapy yet, even though I am getting better. Trauma and therapy it's a long road to face until you are at the point where you feel healed.

And I'm not there yet, I still have unresolved issues in my life that I am struggling with.

"So, Ella how have things been for you?" Dr.Lawson asks me, placing my hand on my baby bump, and felt a smile forming on my lips.

Before looking back towards him.

"Good actually, I'm three months pregnant...so it's a happy time for us".

"Congratulations to you and your husband. a baby is such a wonderful thing".

"Thank you, we haven't told anyone yet, not even Remi we wanted to wait until after our twelve-week scan, and when we knew everything was okay".

"And I'm assuming everything is fine?" He asks curiously. Nodding my head.

"Yeah, it is, Scott does want to start telling our families and Remi, he's basically jumping at the bit too but...." I cut off not sure if I want to talk about this, but I think it might be too late not too now.

"But you have hesitations too".

"It's not that. I guess it's just a few other issues that I have personally that is stopping me from wanting to".

"In what way?"

"One being my mom, she was the first person I told when I was pregnant with Remi. She was there every step of the way with me, throughout my whole pregnancy and when she was born-;" I broke off for a moment and sighed, it's hard to believe that I haven't seen or spoken directly to my mom in over three months.

In that time frame she has to text me every day, never missing a day. Sometimes, she just saying good morning, or good night others tell me she misses me and that she loves me.

And I've messaged her back maybe three or four times in return, with the same responses... You too. But I make no other contact with her or to change it.

The funny thing is I'm not even mad anymore, I just miss my mom.

"I haven't spoken to her since that day at the hospital, since I found out about Riggs being my father. The truth is I don't care anymore, she made a choice she couldn't change, I made the same one, greatened I didn't wait twenty-five years to come clean" He listened as I spoke.

"but the thing is, if Scott didn't come back into our lives by random, I couldn't say for sure if back then I would have told him, maybe if the situation was different, I might have waited as my mom did, how can I stay mad at her for something that I might have done myself?" I spoke.

"Would you like to try and rebuild the relationship with your mother?"

"Yes, but I just don't know-how. My stubbornness and my anger lead me so far down a path, that now I'm not sure what the first step is to rebuild it" I explained.

The truth is I miss my mom and I want my mom back in my life, I want her sudden call rounds, breakfast, and dinners with us, our morning chats that are about pretty much nothing, but laughing about random things.

It's just been so long and I'm not sure how to make the first move to her.

"The first step is wanting to try, and you are there, the second step is making it happen. And maybe sharing something as special as a baby announcement may just be that step for you" Dr. Lawson replies casually.

"I guess you're right, I suppose-;" I sighed, my mind still thinking about things. My mom is just one of the things that have been on my mind since I found out I was pregnant. 

"Is there's something else you want to talk about today Ella?"

Staying quiet for a second and flickered my eyes to him and then let out a deep breath, because there is something playing on my mind and it belongs in the past but for some reason, it won't stay there.

"The story Kylie told me that day, has been lodge in my thoughts these last few weeks. And I can't shake it, even though it should stay in the past" I admitted.

The truth is a few weeks into my pregnancy, I was just sat there one morning thinking about Remi, our daughter, and then I got to thinking about the baby I'm carrying too. Then before I even knew it my thoughts were lingering on what she told me that day, about once being pregnant with Scott's baby.

"About her baby, the one she claimed was Scott's?" I nodded.

"Did you believe her?" He added.

"No Kylie was unstable, that fact outweighs my doubts but..." I trailed off.

"But what Ella?"

"Five years Doc...that's a lot of time we weren't together. Scott, he has admitted to being with plenty of women in those years, what if by some small chance he did father another child out there with someone who isn't me..." I spoke.

"I kept his child from him, what's to say another woman hasn't done the very same thing" I added. Just as he looks at me but not saying anything, just let me say my fears and my doubts at loud for the very first time.

As my words hang in the air between us.

Any so many insecurities forming inside of me.

Ones that shouldn't be there, or ones that I shouldn't drag back out of the shadows, but I can't help it, I can't change it, I just don't know how to let the unknowns and the fears of the fact that there could be more revelations.

How do I let that go...