Love Grows (Love series: book 3)

Chapter 33.

Ella

Scott has been acting strange and distanced lately. Especially since we all left the hospital. I don't know if he's keeping to his word about giving me space, or if he's upset because I still can't remember.

Since being home from the hospital and being in the house with Scott, I'm having more flashbacks of our life together. I haven't told him about it yet, because I don't want to get his hopes up, their still just flashes. I still don't really re-member it, and I want too so bad.

I also understand why he is spending night after night at the club he owns. I understand why he's putting the distance between us. And it's my fault, even though I know it's not something that I can control, it's still my fault.

Because I'm the one who can't remember the life that we've built over the last few years. I'm the one that looks at him like he's a stranger. I'm the one who still sees him as someone I used to know. And I'm the one who keeps breaking his heart even when I don't mean too.

I hate this, I hate this feeling of hollowness inside me. I hate being this angry at the world and everything that has happened to us. I hate myself for not remembering how we used to be.

I hate not remembering the fear of falling back in love with Scott.

I hate not remembering the warmth off love when he met Remi for the first time.

I hate not remembering the happiness of becoming a real family with him.

I hate not remembering the excitement of becoming his wife.

I hate not remembering the heartbreak of losing our second baby.

I hate not remembering the joy of knowing we were having our rainbow baby or in our case rainbow babies.

All of these memories and so many more just seem out of my reach and I hate that, I'm frustrated with myself for it.

And honestly after the last two weeks I don't know how Scott isn't frustrated with me. Apart of me is expecting to wake up one morning and find him gone.

Saying enough is enough and honestly I wouldn't blame him, if he walked away from me and stopped fighting for us.

But in my heart, I know he would never do that to me or to us. Years ago, when he left me, he didn't know what he was giving up, he didn't know what he was walking away from.

This time he would know and seeing the man he is today, that I know deep in my soul he would never give up on me, on our family and on our love.

The man I see today he's so special and beautiful, has a good heart. He's not the same boy who broke my heart years ago, the one who didn't care about anyone else's but himself and football, the boy that was so selfish and childish and cru-el.

No that isn't the Scott I see in front of me now. The man I see is wiser, kinder, loving and caring, never putting himself first anymore, only the people who he loves the most.

And I feel like the bitch because I can't show that I know that he isn't the old Scott the one I remember so clearly, I want to show him that I see him as the man he is now and nobody else.

Snapping out of my thoughts as I hear the front door open and then close ago. This morning when I woke up I asked my mom if she could take the kids out for a bit. That I needed to talk to Scott, she said that it was time and that she would take them to her and Riggs's house... or should I say my parents house.

Scott stops in his tracks when he sees me sitting quietly in the living room.

"Morning. Is everything okay? Where are the kids?" Scott asks me as he takes a few steps closers to me, but still keeping himself at a distance from me.

I hate that he does that, I know he's only trying to support me. But as crazy as is sounds, even though I don't remember it's like my body and soul know he isn't close to me.... I want that missing apart of me back. The part of my soul that is connected to his.

"Morning, the kids are with my parents-" I cut off answering his question. Just as he narrows his eyes onto me and then takes a seat on the coffee table, so he was facing me.

"What's going on Ella?"

Ignoring his questions and took his hand in my mine, before looking up to meet his eyes.

"We need to talk" I say to him. I watch as his body goes stiff before he lets out a sigh.

"I had a feeling this conversation was coming" he mumbled softly.

"I think it's been coming for awhile now and we can't ignore it any longer"

"I know...." He sighed sadly, lacing his fingers with mine.

"It's not working is it? We're strangers walking on eggshells around one another, and I hate it Scott..... I hate it so much" I admitted to him.

"I hate it too, I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to do this Ella"

"I don't want to live like this anymore" I sighed, Scott's eyes widened as he looks at me. I can feel his hand shaking in mine or maybe it's mine that's shaking at this point.

"What are you saying...."he whispered.

"I'm saying can you learn to love me as I am now, the me without my memories" I cried.

I don't want to walk away from Scott, he's always been the love of my life even when I hated him so much, I might not remember us back together but I know what I feel when he touches me, when he looks at me with so much love and affection in his eyes. And I know that I couldn't live without him.

"I can ask you the same thing Ella"

Instead of answering his question, I lean forward and brush my lips over his. Scott places both his hands on my face, palming both my cheeks.

"You're my everything Ella. Then, now, tomorrow. Always and forever" He whispered over my lips once again, I want him to kiss me. I want him to show me what I've forgotten.

"Kiss me Scott" I said.

And with my command his does. And it's as kiss that I feel right down to my soul.

In this moment my lost memories don't matter, because my heart recognises our love.