I want to be yours // viseul

~20~

Haseul slammed the door when she got home. Her whole family had sensed the bleak mood she was in, so luckily none of them bothered her. Even her mom withheld about asking her questions until tomorrow.

Haseul felt awful. At first she was frustrated with herself, feeling like she was overreacting even when she was upset. She didn't want to be controlling, make Vivi talk about things with her.

But Vivi just didn't want to, and that hurt Haseul more than she ever thought it could. Vivi didn't want her help, didn't want to let Haseul ease her burden. Haseul didn't even know how to feel. It broke her heart. She knew she could tell Vivi anything but Vivi didn't want to do the same. Haseul figured she was taking it in the wrong way, but it just didn't feel right. And Vivi didn't even stop her from leaving.

Maybe she was happy I was gone. Haseul thought to herself.

Haseul undressed and put on sleeping clothes, then just sat down on her bed with a sigh. She stared at her blank phone screen, unsure of what she was hoping to see but still crossing her fingers.

Nothing, the screen remained black.

Haseul wanted to scream. She was so confused, one minute they told told each other they were in love, the next Vivi didn't want to talk to her. Maybe Haseul had said I love you too fast. Maybe Vivi had felt too pressured and agreed when she didn't mean it. But it had seemed like she did...she wanted to stay in bed with Haseul just as much as Haseul herself. She had, in a word, spoiled Haseul all day.

It was so perfect, I want the rest of my life to be like. Just domestic bliss with her, waking up by her side, making food for her, spending the day together.

Maybe that wasn't what Vivi wanted. But...she had given up her family for Haseul, so surely Haseul could have hope.

"I'm so stupid," Haseul said to herself. "I should've stayed,"

She turned off the lights in her room and tried to sleep, but it felt impossible when all she could think of was Vivi. She had no idea how Vivi must feel right now, so she didn't even know how to comfort her girlfriend. She felt useless. Sooyoung could help her more than Haseul could. But Haseul wasn't jealous! ...maybe she was a little bit.

Vivi was just too perfect for her, Haseul was bound to mess something up sooner or later. Haseul just wished she knew what to do. Why did she get mad at Vivi when Vivi was the one going through hard things?

Haseul sat up in her bed, sighing and turning on the light again. She looked around her room, to her desk, where various pictures of Vivi and her friends hung on her wall. Some were of when she was a kid, but a lot of the newer ones were her and Vivi. Some from the beach, some of them where solo shots of her girlfriend that Haseul took when Vivi wasn't looking. It made her smile just looking at them, and it reminded her of when she used to watch Vivi from afar at the bus station.

Vivi had always been...intimidating to Haseul. First, she stuck out in a crowd with her bright colored hair, and then when Haseul saw her face, her breath was taken away. How could people ignore someone so breathtaking? Over time, Haseul noticed that Vivi always seemed to be on her own, and that no one ever interacted with her. Haseul didn't think she'd ever heard the girl say more than three words, but she was entranced anyway. She was too scared to go up to Vivi, afraid that she'd look like a loser or that Vivi would dislike her. Plus...Jinsoul. Haseul wasn't supposed to looking at another girl the way she was looking at Vivi.

When they became friends, Haseul was honestly a little disappointed that Vivi seemed to click more with the other girls in her friend group than Haseul herself, especially Jungeun and Sooyoung. It wasn't that she felt like Vivi was stealing her friends, it felt like her friends were stealing Vivi. Haseul ignored the connotations that went along with her possessiveness. She never did anything to stop them from being friends, but the wishing left her with a great deal of guilt. She couldn't break up with Jinsoul, she loved Jinsoul. Not the way she loved a girlfriend, she realized eventually. She loved Jinsoul because the brunette was her childhood best friend, not because she wanted to be in love with her or kiss her.