Heartbreaker ~ Larry Stylinson {English}

61. I love you.

*TW: MENTIONING OF OVERDOSE*

Song for this chapter:

The Cinematisc Orchestra - To Build A Home

~ Pov Harry ~ 

With a heart that is beating incredibly fast, I push myself through the crowd. They're all standing on the curb, watching curiously as an ambulance and a police car pull up outside Kjell's house. I look around a bit hazy, have no idea what is happening. Everything seems to be in slow motion. The red and blue lights flickering, the people murmuring, "It was a matter of time before one of them overdosed", the cars are driving by so slow, the wind blows like it has all the time in the world, when in reality there's no more than a few seconds left. Because before you know, it's all gone.

I want to run in, but a cop stops me. "Sorry, sir. You're not allowed in here." I feel tears filling my eyes as I begin to feel more helpless.

"You don't understand, I have to go in! Louis is there! I have to be with him, he can't be alone! I have so much more to tell him! You have to let me through, please!"

I see Kjell standing in the doorway and look at him pleadingly. His eyes look like he has been crying. "It's okay. He lives here," he lies. The cop looks at us doubtfully, but then steps aside so I can pass. I immediately walk to the living room and see Louis lying lifeless on the floor. Some doctors are performing CPR. He's hooked up to a small machine that plays an incredibly long beep. I stare at his body being shocked with a defibrillator and bring my hands to my mouth. I want to kneel beside him, but Kjell stops me. "No, Harry! Let the doctors do their job, this won't help him!"

He holds me in his arms and I sink to the ground. He tries to stop my knees from falling to the ground, but when that fails, he sits down in front of me. I stare at Louis behind him, but Kjell puts his two hands on my face and forces me to look at him. "Harry, don't. You're not supposed to see that. Look at me." I look at him and a tear rolls down my cheek when I hear another shock.

"He had been drinking when he came here," he tells me. "It was 3 AM and he was upset, so I let him in. There was some coke in the living room. He took a line without me being able to stop him. Everything was fine, but then he suddenly fell away. I thought he was sleeping, but I couldn't wake him up." I try to swallow the lump in my throat.

"Why did you call me when you know I'm the reason he was so upset?" He shrugs.

"Louis may not want to admit it, but I know he would want you here. You're the one who should be holding his hand when he wakes up."

I want to thank him, but when the long beep tone changes to a regular pattern, I immediately get up. I immediately walk towards one of the doctors with Kjell following me. "Is he okay? Is he okay?" He's busy when he answers.

"He had an allergic reaction to a drug he took. We're taking him to the hospital now."

"Can we come with you?" I ask desperately.

"There's no room in the ambulance, but the police officers can give you a ride."

A few minutes later we're in the hospital. It's fairly quiet at 4am in the morning. During the drive here I was able to call Louis' parents. They were completely upset.

I look at Kjell who's sitting opposite me in the waiting room. It's awfully quiet here. "It's not your fault," I tell him. He looks up. "I can see you feel guilty, but it's not your fault. Louis is stubborn. If he hadn't taken the drugs with you, he would have done it somewhere else. So don't worry about it. You've tried to do as much as possible for him, I appreciate that."

He nods and sits up straighter. "It's not your fault either." I look away. "I know you think you're the one who caused all of this, but the truth is, Louis has been through a lot the past year." He gets up and sits down next to me. "I'm going to tell you a secret. Louis may kill me, but I'm going to risk it," he chuckles. I laugh for a moment. "Louis doesn't drink or smoke because he wants to forget you. He does it because it reminds him of you. He misses you." I bite my lower lip. "Harry, he doesn't know how to tell you this, but Louis still has feelings for you. He's just too scared to admit it. He's ashamed that he feels this way about you after all that has happened." I take a long breath and stare straight ahead.

"I have feelings for him too, a lot." I smile briefly. "I think I even fell for him before he fell for me."

"Then why didn't you ever tell him?" I shrug.

"I was scared. Not just about what Louis would say, but what my friends would say. I was confused and didn't know what to do, so I used the bet to be with him. It was kind of a shield I hid behind, but when Louis told me how he felt about me... I was done hiding and pretending to be someone I didn't want to be. I just regret that I never got the chance to tell him how I felt and still feel."

"Why didn't you ever tell him the truth afterwards?"

"He wouldn't listen and when he finally did, I decided it was better to keep it to myself. Selfish, I know." I shake my head. "Now I want to give him time to get help first. He has to find himself first and that won't work when I'm there. Louis needs to talk to someone professionally and I think I will too. When he's ready to hear it, I'll tell him. He may not want anything to do with me by then, but I want to give him time to heal before I turn his world upside down again."

Kjell looks at me. "Tell him now. Louis isn't awake anyway and I want you to have a chance to tell him before he doesn't let you. Because, believe me or not, I want you to have that moment. To be able to tell him anything you want while you still can. Because sometimes before you know it, it's too late. It may seem like you have more time, but in reality time is just an excuse to hold off the things that matter. So don't hold off. Don't say it later. Don't keep it to yourself. Share it. I don't want you to keep the words for yourself your whole life when someone's out there wanting to hear them..." I look at him doubtfully. "Go. Before his parents get here." We both get up. "Go now." I look at him once more and smile to myself. "Thanks. For everything. I mean it." He nods, he knows what everything means. "I'll be waiting here for you, Harry." With a small smile I turn around and slip into Louis's room.

His body is connected with all kinds of wires that lead to machines. The only sound that reassures me is his breathing clearly being audible. Carefully I sit down next to him on the chair. "Louis?" He's not responding. "Louis?" I don't think I should even be here. Nervously I take his hand in mine. This has been way too long.

I run my fingers over his hand as I look at him. "Hey Louis. It's Harry and before you send me out, I have something to tell you," I laugh softly, but I'm the only one smiling. "I don't know if you can hear me, but please wake up. There are so many people here who need you, so don't leave us here behind..." I feel the tears welling up.

"Don't leave me behind. I can live with seeing you from a distance at school, but I can't bear to never see you again, so don't leave. Stay." I wipe away a tear. "God, Louis. I have so much more to tell you... I don't even know where to begin." I sigh. "Remember our school trip to Amsterdam? When we walked hand in hand through the garden of the museum? Or when we were shouting at each other on the roof of the hotel? Do you remember our fantasy world we created in the shower? Well I remember every detail because that was the moment I allowed myself to feel things for you. I had fallen for you way before, of course, too fast to be honest, but it wasn't until Amsterdam that I dared to admit to myself."

I don't get an answer back. "I had feelings for you too," I whisper. "I still have them, they never left." I swallow the lump in my throat. "I think I should have said that before you forbid me to say another word to you."

I stand up and bend over his body. I press a long kiss to his forehead with my lips. "I love you. I hope I can say this to you someday when you're awake. Until then, I'll be waiting for you. I'll always be waiting for you."

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If you read last chapter well, you kind of coud have expected something to happen... Heheheh

Btw I love Kjell his wise words, always so smart <3

Take care x