When Joka Doesn't Sleep

To My Parents

I'm sorry I've fucked up again

That's all I ever do

If I died tonight

I bet that's all you'd remember about me;

"She always forgot to feed the cat," "she could never keep her room clean," "she cried over nothing," "she was too shy to ask for anything, so someone else always had to," "she wouldn't rinse out her dishes or close kitchen drawers," "she always waited until last minute," "she'd never admit she was wrong," "she never tried hard enough, never cared," "she was always fucking up something."

And I know you'd be better off without me,

So would anyone.

I know.

And you probably hate me, but that's okay,

So does everyone.

I do, too.

I promise you I'm trying my hardest

But I'm never trying hard enough.

Because I 'just don't care' about

My extreme forgetfulness,

(Feeding the cat

Taking the dog outside

Schoolwork

People

Rules)

Or my hygiene

(Showering

Changing clothes

Brushing my teeth

Eating right

(Why are these so hard?))

Or my things

(The dog pees on the floor

And anything on it

Which is usually dirty clothes from my forgetfulness

Or some books

God forbid it was something of yours.

He also chews up anything I like,

But you really don't care,

Because it was my fault for leaving it on the table

Even though nowhere in my room is safe)

Or disappointing everyone.

And if I don't care about that,

I certainly don't care about

Being told that I'm irresponsible

And lazy

And have no common sense

And I'm dumb

And you're tired of me crying

And everything I here is,
You fucked up, again.

And god, I'm sorry

I really am

That nothing I do is right

And that I forget everything

And that I can't take care of myself

Much less my poor starving hermit crab

And that I never try hard enough

And that I'm bad about procrastination

And I waste time and water and air and space and everything else

Because that could be useful

To someone who does something right

And I swear to god I try

I don't know why it's working

I try to eat right and shower

I try to keep my room clean

I try to remember everything I have to do

I try to do productive things

I try to be nice

I try to act normal in social situations

I try not to get mad even if you do

I try not to ask for help ever ever ever

I try not to be sad

I try to be the strong one

I try to cry less

I try to pretend I'm okay

I try to pretend it doesn't hurt

I try not to blame you

I try to remember I'm the one hurting myself.

But no matter how far I pull myself

Or how long I spend cleaning

How many things I remember

I know I've fucked up somewhere

Because I always do.