When Joka Doesn't Sleep

Not Again

Oh god oh god oh god.

I'm about to hyperventilate and its really early in the morning/late at night like 3AM and I was sitting here thinking about school starting back Thursday for me and I kind of feel like bad things will happen this year.

I really really want to be homeschooled. Like, so bad I'd live in a hotel if I could be homeschooled. I'm not even joking.

I kind of have a breakdown every year as school starts back but this year I have this really bad feeling. Like every other year of school for me has been really bad. Really, really bad, ever since 2nd grade. 2nd, 4th, 6th, they've been the worst school years ever. The rest were generally good, but those were traumatic.

Especially sixth. You can ask Kat, I wasn't in school most of sixth grade until March or so. I would have a panic attack every time I thought about walking in those doors and facing those kids. I don't remember really anything from that year except 3 friends and fear. So much fear. It wasn't even from being bullied, it was the teachers and the work and the expectations and the fake smiles and that's the year my life kind of fell apart.

Last year I was at a different school, and though I don't particularly like this school, its much better than the one before. Sure, I didn't really have more friends, but the year was good with only one school-induced panic attack near the end. I'll be going back to that same school this year, in my final year there.

But oh god, I feel like its going to be a repeat of 6th, and I have this horrible feeling that my best friend is going to either move out of my life or something bad is going to happen to her, and I feel like I'm not ready for the eighth grade, can't I just spend 8+ hours a day at the library to learn?

And the worst part is if this year does turn out to be a traumatic year, we don't even have the money or ability to homeschool me. I will just have to f*cking push through and let a little piece of me die every day and fall behind on my work and probably have to go to summer school again.

And I'm really sorry to vent and dump this all on you guys, I'm just really scared, okay? And I'm scared of growing up and scared of endings and just scared.

I'm sorry.

I just want it to end and it hasn't started yet.

And I'm really scared and I'm really sorry and I don't feel like existing right now.

Sorry.