DEFENCE // LARRY STYLINSON // LOUIS TOMLINSON

23.

Harry P.O.V

Dear Harry,

These past few weeks, I feel like I have met you again for the very first time except you aren't you. You look the same, the sound the same, the make me feel the way you always have, but you aren't you. I've always found you incredible, but meeting this person has absolutely blown me away.

I guess I finally felt like we were on the same path, finally. We were where we needed to be at this exact moment in time, standing in front of one another with all our chaos, challenges, insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams and mess of a life standing right with us. We were finally there with each other.

You told me you loved me for the first time the other day and although I've said the word more times than I can count, hearing you say it made it sound foreign and fragile to me. Which got me to thinking, what exactly does 'love' mean? According to google, love is an intense feeling of deep attraction, and sure, whilst that may be true, it doesn't even come close to the way you make me feel.

I can't even begin to understand what you are going through at the moment Harry, so I don't even want to try, but it's become obvious that you need some time, to sort all of this out and plan out the rest of your future, but I'm terrified that you don't want me to have a place in it.

But you don't understand how badly I need you in mine.

There is no one else like you, there is no-one else that can take your place, no-one that can smile at me the way you do, no-one that can make me laugh the way you do. No-one that can make me mad the way you do or give me the feeling that you do when you touch me. It's your laugh, your temper, your flaws, your hopes, your touch, your heart that I need in my life, and for as long as I live I will feel that way.

I miss you Harry, and not like a 'I want to see you' or 'I'm sad things have changed' kind of way, just a solid, I miss you. I miss everything about you. It's been three weeks since I last saw you and I have this reoccurring image of you walking out that I can't seem to shake. That can't be the last that I see of you. It can't be.

I'm going to try and force myself to forget about you, I'll always be waiting for you, but in the mean time, I need to forget about you. Not forget about the way you look, or how your dimples sink in when you smile, but I need to forget how your fingertips felt on my skin, how you breath felt running down my spine. How your lips felt against mine and how the warmth circulated around us when we lay together. I need to forget those things in order to keep my sanity, but I fear that I'm asking for the impossible, it's like your engraved into me, a permanent inking that can't be washed away.

Tell me how to forget about you when you are so completely me.

There are a thousand reasons, most likely more if I'm being honest as to why we are no good for each other, I could write down all the reasons. We have plenty of them, but then I ask myself about the reasons why I fell in love with you, why you fell in love with me. And we don't have any. We simply did. It was out of our control and it happened so unwillingly but I welcomed it so whole heartedly. I didn't even know I was falling in love with you, everything in me took over and there was no stopping it, no control it, I simply let it manifest in me until it consumed me.

Mum always told me from a young age that I would find my perfect person, find my forever, that they were out there waiting for me. I wish she was here more than ever now to tell me how to forget about that person.

No one told me what to do once I found my soulmate and I was forced to let them go.

But then it dawned on me, that you never said goodbye. That word never came out. There are a million ways for you to say goodbye, but we chose the one to not say it at all. Is that perhaps that you didn't mean it? You didn't want it to happen? You asked for space and then you left.

I saw a quote recently, that often we say goodbye to the person we Love without wanting to, and that it doesn't mean that we don't love them anymore, but goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.

Is that what is happening Harry?

Are you letting me go because you think it's what is best?

Do you think this is what you have to do because of Willow?

Can I tell you something that isn't even going to make sense, it doesn't to me, but I know it's the truth. I loved that little girl the minute I saw her, the second I found out that she belonged to you, she belonged to me too, because you are mine.

I love her Harry, and I want to love her, if you let me. I want to be there to protect and fight for the both of you, keep you both safe from anymore harm or sadness that comes your way.

Willow is a creation of you and Kasey, I understand that, but the fact she possesses any of your DNA at all makes her automatically one of my favourite people in this world and I automatically love her.

If you are doing this because you think she is a burden on me, if you are doing this because you think I don't want this, if you are doing this for any other reason than you don't love me anymore, then you're an idiot.

If it's because you don't love me, I will heartbreakingly step aside. It's painful to say goodbye to someone you can't let go of, but it would be worse to beg you to stay if you want to leave.

So I'm going to be out there Harry, somewhere in this crazy world of ours, and I'll always be yours if you want. Even if you chose to fall in love time and time again with strangers on the street, it's going to hurt me, it will damn near kill me, but just always keep in mind that the moment you decide you want me again, I'm there.

I am that pathetic, maybe I shouldn't even look at it like that, but I know who I love and I know what I want, so lets just look at it as courageous enough to wait for the things I want most.

I can't even end this letter in a goodbye Harry, I don't want to. Nor are their words developed in the English language that will allow me to express what losing you is going to do to me.

But just know that I love you. I will always love you. More than I even know how to.

I'll always be yours.

Little bug x