"No, no. No talking little bug, this is the part where you listen" he cuts me off before I can finish. I'm disappointed in myself for complying to his orders. I told myself when I left him that I wouldn't let him control me like this anymore. But he...
Its been three weeks that I have attempted to stay away from Louis, and thats been the hardest three weeks, I would even go as far as saying it was harder than the last three weeks I had with Kasey.
Kasey meant a lot to me, she always did, and I admired her for everything she did for Willow and for me, she enabled me to have a life, but with Louis, it's different. It's always different.
But these past three weeks have really taken their toll on me and I couldn't help feeling more and more like I had made a bad decision. The wrong decision.
I wanted more than anything to be able to run up to Louis and ask him to compromise his dreams for me, for us. For our family. I wished more than anything I had the courage to ask that of him. But I couldn't.
I stare at him through the lace curtains of my living room, watching him sit dormant on the driveway. He has been here for hours, and so have I. Starring right back at him.
Willow was down for a nap and had been since Louis arrived, I only prayed that when she woke she didn't give away our position. No-one knows we are here, apparently. I have seen Louis drive by at many times during the day but he never stopped, I only presumed he thought we weren't here.
The minute he slips the piece of paper under the door my stomach drops deep into my shoes. I wanted to move but my body had other plans, it remained frozen in place watching him walk away from me.
I stare down at the letter folded on the floor that had been slid underneath the door and quickly ravel through my options. Do I let him stay or do I let him leave?
I take the letter in my hand, unaware of its contents. I wondered if it contained his goodbye, that I had finally pushed him far enough to the Edge that he wanted to walk away as well.
I had to say something, anything. I didn't know what but I need to speak to him. It's like holding a drink in front of an alcoholic and telling them to just look at it. I needed a taste. I needed the whole damn drink.
"Louis?" I call out the minute I open the blockage between us. My safety net.
I've never seen someone spin around as fast as he did to look when I called his name, a look on his face as if he hasn't heard that sound in forever.
But the minute our eyes locked, I had the stupid, responsible side of me come back. The side that wanted the best for him, which was becoming more clear that it didn't include me.
"Have fun at Cardiff" the words exited my lips before I could even pull them back.
I shouldn't have said that. Like that. I heard the sarcastic tone although it was unintentional. But it came out like I couldn't control it. That it wasn't me that was saying it.
I panicked.
I slammed the door between us and hit my back up hard against it.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
My legs gave out and I slid down the wood until my bottom made connection with the floor. My head falling into my folded arms over my head.
What have I done?
Warm liquid fell to my cheeks and cascades down into the space between me and my legs, forming a puddle of emotion in front of me.
What have I done?
I've lost him. I've lost the one person who I didn't know I could lose. The one person who I thought would be with me regardless of what happened in my life. That he would never leave. He told me he would never leave. He promised.
But now he's gone.
And the only person to blame is me.
It's always me.
The minute the door slammed I felt part of me die. I had been missing Louis the past three weeks, of course, but there is something about shutting that door that resembled closing our door. Closing the door on our relationship. On our future. On each other.
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The minute the space between us gained the barrier. That was it. He would continue his life on one side and I would begin my downfall on my side.
I lost Louis Tomlinson.
I feel like I need to mourn him. I feel like I need to somehow start the grieving process. But it's hard, I don't even know what to do right now. Where do I start? Where do I go from here? How do I continue without him?
