No Job, No Car, No Problem!

In A Sea Of Many Fish, Finally My Lobster

It’s been a rough start to the New Year.  I guess I had this idea that if I was able to get some closure from all the inconsiderate men in my life that somewhere, finally I would find the one.  Unfortunately it hasn’t been that easy.  Instead I keep finding myself shutting men down.  I don’t return their glances or smiles.  I walk around with four thick, but invisible walls all around me.  I want to find love, really I do.  I’m just so tired of being hurt in search of it.

Every single one of my girlfriends is now in a relationship.  I lost the last one I had a month ago.  At which time I broke down, knowing now I was entirely alone.  My friends are in the midst of having their second and third babies, the last thing they want to hear about is my teenage wishes of finding true love.  Yet I ask them still, looking for advice constantly, “When am I going to find someone who loves me?  Do I do something wrong?  Do your husbands have any friends that would be interested…at all?”  They of course give their loving answers back.  “Oh Jenny, someday you will find him.  You don’t do anything wrong.  We don’t understand it either.  If we had any single friends we would of course direct them to you.”

They each tell me separately, “You need to stop looking.  That’s honestly when I met so and so.”  Do they have any idea how hard it is to stop looking?  How can I just tell myself that no longer should I check the guy out in the condiments aisle at the grocery store or the guy washing windows outside of my office?  I’m always looking.  Constantly!  Sure I tell myself, “Self, today you are going to officially stop looking.”  Then the next thing I know I’m envisioning myself with the man in leather crossing the street in front of my car.  Stop looking?  That’s for the birds.

I don’t really even go out anymore.  I go through patterns of shutting myself out when I know my walls are up.  It usually lasts for six months, then I give up, returning to the bar scene, hoping but knowing I won’t ever meet Mr. Right there.

Truly the only place for me to try to meet someone is at the gym.  But I’ve already tried that, what more can I do?  I guess I’ll start doing nicer things for myself.  I’ll work out more.  I’m going to enjoy shopping for outfits I wouldn’t typically wear.  I’ll get a pedicure and manicure.  I’ll die my hair blonde and wear better makeup.  At least it will make me feel better.

Since the New Year I have spent exactly three months not dating at all.  For the first time in three years I have officially given up.  Dating really hasn’t gotten me anywhere anyway.  All it’s brought on is more hurt and additional ways for me to be disappointed in myself.  But what have I truly learned from dating?  Let’s see…I’ve learned that there are very few guys out there that are attracted to super curly hair.  I’ve found men that are so attached to their mothers that they couldn’t possibly ever be taken by another woman.  Men lie about their age in order to get cougar notches on their belts.  They claim that they want a girl who’s real.  Someone that speaks her mind and is independent but caring; a girl who is intellectual and eats normal.  But then they show up sporting some bimbo on their arm who laughs without even realizing what she’s laughing at.  The girl will almost always have fake boobs and little conversation to go with it.  They eat like birds and couldn’t hold an intellectual conversation if their life depended on it.  Where is the real girl in that?  The only thing I can say I’ve truly learned is that dating sucks. 

And that’s when it happens.  I don’t go anywhere but to work and the gym so wouldn’t you know it would end up coming down to the gym one of these times.

I’m leaving for the afternoon.  I just had a terrific workout and decided against reapplying my makeup or fixing my hair.  I pull the tight jeans back onto my freshly showered, but sticky body and zip up the sweatshirt that really doesn’t go with the rest of my outfit today.  Oh well, what do I care?

Les and the rest of the gym staff watch me exit, like they do every single day.  I’ve given up on waving or smiling goodbye.  Les consistently blows me off so what’s the point in even trying?  I walk right past them and outside where the cool air releases my jeans from sticking to the back of my damp legs.

He’s bent over, digging something out of his trunk.  He rifles through, throwing around t-shirts, tennis shoes and water bottles.  Wow it looks like the back of my car.  A true athlete drives that vehicle.  He doesn’t see me, but I definitely see him.  I glance at my watch.  I really should get back to work but I have to talk to him.  Nothing else matters right now, not even being late back to work.

I walk right up, shoulders back and head held high.  Figures that this is the day I decided not to fix my hair and makeup but I don’t have another choice.  I inch up to him, left then right foot.  “Hey Ken.”

Ken turns, looking annoyed that someone is about to take time from his workout routine.  Then he drops his belongings to the ground and walks to face me.  “Hi Jenny,” he says calm and smooth.  My palms sweat while my knees and teeth chatter.  It’s been months since I’ve seen him, years since I’ve obsessed over him.  Yet, still my feelings never changed.  Ken wraps his arms around me, breathing deep into my neck.  “You look great.”  I smile, water saturating my eyes and years of emotion flooding my body.  Ken releases me from the hug but holds onto my triceps with strength.  “You’re blonde again,” he says smiling and padding the top of my head.  “I always liked your hair this color.”

“Thanks,” I say shyly unsure of where to take the conversation.  “How have you been?”

Ken’s trunk is still open and gym bag lying on the ground.  “I’ve been good.  Basically just been training for the iron man this year.  It’s my goal in life, as you know.”

“Yes I do know that.  I’m proud of you.  You’ve never lost sight of what it is you have truly wanted.”  Kind of like me never losing sight in truly wanting him.

“How is your leg and your health?  Last I talked to you it wasn’t doing so well?”

“Not so good.  But you don’t need to hear it now.  You know the story as you’ve already lived it time and time again.”

Ken laughs showing a new sparkle in his eye.  “Yes I do know what you are going through.  But you’ll make it through this.  Just listen to your body and stay strong.  You are an athlete Jenny, welcome to the club.”  Finally someone not lecturing me. 

I have to know, “So are you off and married or something?  I never see you here anymore so I assumed you found someone wonderful to be spending all your time with.”

“Give me a break.  No—” Ken grows quiet.  “I just focus on my goals.  Give me your hand.”  I slide my hand into his on demand.  “No ring on your finger yet?  I’m surprised.”

“As if.  It’s still just the same old.  The only thing covering these fingers is calluses from working out too hard.  Remember how you always used to make fun of my tough but sexy workout hands?”  We laugh together at the memory.  “Ken?”

“Ya Jenny,” he says as if something else may be on his mind.

“I miss you…a lot.  I miss the way we used to hang out and talk.”  I choke up, expressing my undying love as best I can.

“Do you really?”

“Yes, I really do.  We talk about getting together when we see each other but never do.  But just a drink, or dinner or something for old times sake.  We should really meet up.”

“Yes I agree.  Though, to be honest I don’t really drink and party that much anymore.  Dinner would be good though.”

“Me either!  I hardly drink at all anymore.  But hey girls got to eat!”

“Tell you what.  St Patrick’s Day is coming up.  How about we go out, for old time sake then?  It’s a Saturday so we could spend the day together.”  Ken wraps his arm around me, walking me back toward his open trunk to get his bag.  “It was good seeing you Jenny.  Let’s plan on that okay?”

“That sounds great.  I can’t wait.”

I climb into my car shaking like a leaf on a tree.  After all these years, finally I was being honest with not only myself but with Ken as well.  Maybe my luck was indeed going to change this St. Patty’s day.