(jaylor au) clandestine meetings in beautiful rooms

Rumours Fly

I keep close to Joe all night, but remain a safe distance away from him as not to raise any suspicion.
I try to avoid my mother and father. I still see it happening in my mind, it's playing on repeat and won't go away.
"It is now time for the first dance." A voice says, and Alexander holds his arm out to me.
"We haven't even practised-"
"Just follow my lead." He says. Over the afternoon he seems to have gotten more emotional, and his hands have developed a gentle shake. But he's still trying to be strong, I know he is. He's trying to prove that it hasn't bothered him, but I have spent far too long pretending I am not hurting and I can see that he's put up the same facade I've seen on my own face.
Everyone parts the room, giving us a circle. I don't like that everyone is watching me, waiting to see this dance. This is how it will be from this day forward.
The music starts playing and I do my best to look happy, to look like the happy, bright and loving girl that I could never be in a situation like this.

"I don't-" I try to say, but he cuts me off.
"Just put on a smile and fucking pretend. It's not that hard." He instructs as he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him.
Then he starts to move and I follow along with him, trying to smile and trying to forget.
I can feel everyone staring at me, looking for signs. Signs of my love for Alexander, my reaction to what happened.
Then I have to dance with my father, which pains me in every step I take.
"I am sorry, sweetheart." He says, but I pull away from him immediately. Several gasps fill the air and I look down at the ground.
"It is my wedding day, and you killed her in front of everyone. Her blood stained my dress, and all you can say is sorry?" I say softly, hurt emphasised in my voice. "How could-"
"Taylor, darling," Alexander says, coming to my side. He pulls me into him and kisses my forehead. "Shall we go and get something to eat?"
I can tell by the tone of his voice that he isn't asking me, he's telling me that we will.
I nod.
"I am sorry, your Majesty. Your daughter has had a very overwhelming day and from what I understand, her lady was never meant to arrive today. She had grown quite close to her... She will feel better soon." Alexander says, and I wonder how he is capable of putting on such a strong act. How can he act like this?
"I understand." My father sighs.
But he doesn't, not one bit. No one seems to fucking understand.
Alexander whisks me away to a corner of the room and puts his arms on my shoulder.
"I know it hurts, but you have to let it go," He hisses.
"I can't-"
"You have to. You don't get a choice. It was just a girl," he tells me and I scoff at him, folding my arms across my chest.
"No one that dies is just a girl or just a boy! She was yours. You loved her. I know you did. I can feel your hands shaking more and more with every single passing moment."
"Stop. Taylor." H's mad now, but I need to see him feeling something. Anything. He can't be numb to it all. "It's a cruel world and sometimes you've got to be cruel to survive."
"Stop it." I hiss. Does he really not feel anything at all? How can he just let her go like that? Like she was a fleeting moment, a passing love. As if she meant nothing to him. As if those sleepless nights didn't mean anything at all.
I watched them kill my brother. The only person in this world that I knew for certain I loved, that loved me back. The person who didn't care I was a girl, that I was to be Queen.
"I am going to get some air." I spin on my heel and leave.
They say 'be strong' as if it is so easy. But I can't be strong, not with something like this. I walk towards the garden. It is raining outside, but I barely feel it. I can barely feel anything anymore.
"Taylor, wait."
"No." I speed up as I hear my mothers voice.
"Don't you dare take another step!"
"I am married now, mother. I don't have to listen to you anymore!"
"Yes, you do. You need to-"
"You killed her without a second thought. You're just like them, mother. You are just like the ones that killed my brother! Your child!" I scream. I turn around quickly, the hem of my dress soaked from the heavy puddles. "You always told me that I couldn't leave because the people out there were dangerous. I have come to realise that the danger is actually inside the walls! The danger is you! It's this family, it's the rules that are meant to keep us safe." I hiss.
"I am nothing like them." She says. "When you are queen, you do what is needed to keep your family safe."
"Safe? Austin wasn't safe, mother. He was killed. I am sorry that it wasn't me. I wish it was. I wish I were dead, and he was alive. I know that is what you wanted!"
"Taylor, come inside, you're going to catch a cold."
"Is that all you've got to say? I have done everything you have ever wanted me to do. I am married now. I have kept myself guarded behind these walls, for my entire life. I am tired of it. But what you say doesn't matter now. I don't have to-"
"There you are, my darling," Alexander says, walking up to me and taking off his coat and handing it to me. "We must find your ladies and we must get you changed. It is not good for you to be out here, considering the state you are already in."
He slinks the coat around my shoulders and leads me away.
"I don't want to go with you." I hiss at him, trying to get away from his grasp. "I want to be alone."
"You are not being alone. I promised to keep you safe and to protect you in my vows, and regardless of what you expect of me, that is what I am doing."
"I don't need to be protected."
"Yes, I am afraid that you do need to be protected."
"Stop it," I say, getting frustrated.
"Look. There will be repercussions for the fact your mother killed her. She came from the house of Stewart and they are known for their strength and wealth. Once news of their daughter's death reaches them, it will be days until they want revenge."
"So what?"
"They will hurt your family in any way they can, and a newlywed princess would be their ideal target." His voice freezes mid-air.
"Oh..." Is the only word I can force from my lips.
"So you need to be protected. A honeymoon was planned but will not happen until a later stage."
"Why me, though?"
"Because you eventually will rule both of our cities, big cities that her father has wanted for decades. He has you, and all he needs is our parents to die, and he will rule us."
"But what about-"
"It's not up to you to sort out." I am so sick of my underestimated, of being expected to sit and look pretty.
"I don't want to be protected. I don't need to be protected."
"Why are you always so stubborn? Is the only person you will listen to in this castle Joseph?" He says and I frown.
"What? No."
"Then I am begging you to listen to me. Look, we both need this. I need you alive, and you fucking need me. A woman is nothing without her husband." The words set me on fire. I am beyond mad. I don't need a man.
"News won't have gotten to them that quickly." I say through gritted teeth.
"I know that, Taylor. But-"
"Look, Alexander," I say, looking at him in the eyes. "As much as I wish differently, tonight is my wedding. I will not be told what I can and can't do."
"You know what? You need protection, Taylor. That's the only way you'll survive in this place... but when I offer to protect you, you won't accept it. So you need to choose whether you're weak or strong."
"Alexander-"
He just shakes his head and walks away.
God, what a day.
I go back to my room and dry off, trying to decide whether I am weak or strong.
What am I? Am I weak because I watched someone get shot in front of me and cried? Am I weak because I allowed myself to be scared by my brother's death? Am I weak because I care?
No. All of those things make me strong.