(jaylor au) clandestine meetings in beautiful rooms

What A Ghostly Scene

I watch him play the piano for hours. Time is not important when I am with him. It does not exist. He talks about London, about how different things are from my own country. Talking about frivolous things meant to distract us from what we really want to talk about.
"If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?" He asks quietly, and I give him a sad smile.
"I haven't seen the world." I pause. "There's so many things I haven't seen, so many places I have yet to visit. I hear that the palace of Versailles is very beautiful during the spring time."
Alexander places a hand on mine, and ceases playing.
"I'll take you. One day, when we've... when we've figured out what we need to do, we'll go. You can see my country, you can-"
"Joe," I murmur softy, leaning my head on his shoulder and playing a melancholy tune. "We're both engaged to others. We are promised to others. We can't leave. One day, you'll have to go back to London and I won't be able to follow you. We're going to be married to other people." The words shatter this false reality I seem to have created in my head, and it hurts.
"True," he tells me. "But marriage isn't love. Things happen in marriages all the time... things that mean other... options are necessary." He says the words softly, so quietly I scarcely hear him. My body goes cold.
"We can't-" I start.
"No, we can't. Not right now."
The mere thought of it is illegal. However tempting the idea of something mysteriously happening to Alexander may be, I couldn't.
"We could leave. Just you and I. I have connections that could help us. We could go and live in India, they'd never find us there. Just picture it, Taylor. We'd be free and we could do what we wanted and we wouldn't have to answer to anyone." He nudged me gently.
"No. We couldn't. They'd find me. Then they'd hurt us both or they'd hurt you, to get back at me."
"We could."
"No, Joe. It wouldn't work. As much as I wish that it could happen, it can't. We're stuck here, our hands promised to others."
"I can't go on pretending anymore. It's too hard."
"Pretending?"
"Pretending that... that our kiss didn't happen. Pretending that I don't... that I don't have feelings towards you. It's too hard."
"I know that it's hard, but it's easier than the consequences," I say, and the thought sends a shiver down my spine.
"Is it really? Because I'm beginning to doubt that."
"Joe, you shouldn't be thinking like that."
"I know, but sometimes it seems easier than this."
"What? Having your head on a stake because you tried to follow your heart? Joe, that isn't easy... that's death."
"So I'm supposed to waste my life away with a woman I don't love? That isn't really a life at all, Taylor. It's not living. I don't know about you, but I'd rather live for one single moment, be free for a moment, to live in the free fall, than to live a lifetime of things being like this."
"I know... But-" I start to say, but he shakes his head, a sad smile on his face.
"It's okay. But I just want you to know that I offered you the chance to leave... but you denied it because all you've known is the inside of these walls and that scares you. You don't know how beautiful life is out there... and one day I am going to be free, and you are going to be here. In a marriage that makes you unhappy with three perfect children and you will be Queen." His lip is trembling and I sigh.
He's right. Too right. "Meanwhile I will be in the trees of India, I shall be riding elephants in the mornings and watching the Indian sunsets in the evenings."
"Joe, the people outside of these walls killed my brother! I can't leave." I fight back tears. "His blood was on my dress, it stained my satin shoes. I couldn't wear red for years. I can't just... leave. I don't think you know how hard they're prepared to fight for me."
"I know that they would fight, Taylor. But why don't you learn how to fight back?" His voice is soft, and an idea seems to click within me.
"Do you know how? Swords and all? Obviously I was never allowed to learn... but I could learn. Would you teach me?" I look over at him eagerly, and he grins. "Teach me how to fight so that we've at least got a chance, please?"
I want to be able to fight. I've never known how to, because it isn't practical for me to know, perhaps if I was a man. But I'm not, and my mother refused to let me learn.
"Once the world outside these walls was beautiful but not anymore." I tell him softly. "Tell me how to make it beautiful again. I should be able to protect myself. It's not fair that you're all allowed to learn all of these things while I am expected to sit behind and wait for some Prince on a white horse to save me all the time. I need to know how to protect myself." The fire, the feeling of being alive stirs within my chest again.
"They should know by now, that you're not the sort of person who needs a white horse to save them," he tells me. I feel like finally, for the first time in my life, someone is seeing me as more as a pretty princess. "Of course I will teach you. But where? I'm sure if your mother knew what I was doing, she'd kill me herself." His fingers intertwine with mine, and I smile. "Then you might be able to knock Alexander back a few paces."
I'd been avoiding talking about that situation. "I'm going to have to really pretend, Joe."
"As will I. The less attention we bring to ourselves the better. Besides, they'll be so busy planning the wedding that they're scarcely going to notice if you slip away with me." He leaned in and kissed me.
"There's an old training room, in the basement. Austin stumbled across it one day." It feels so nice to say his name, to acknowledge that he was a real person. "They used it in the war, I think."
I want to learn how to fight. Fight like a woman. Like a man, but so much better.
"I don't... I don't want to die like him." The words feel cold, they feel so strange. I've never admitted this to anyone before. There wouldn't be an heir to the throne. Death scares me. Not being here, on this planet. Not seeing or breathing... It terrifies me."
"Death isn't always scary. Life is scarier than death when you think about it logically. Death happens to a person once. Life happens every single day. But I do not want to live a life like this. I'm sorry, Taylor but that is not life. This isn't a life. It's a cage. We are trapped. They don't really need us. I want to live a life with you, Taylor. A life without them, without this... I want to live a simple life where we can stop and breathe and kiss when we feel like it... I want you. But I don't - I can't have you here. In this place. In their game. With their rules. "
I am about to reply when there are three loud knocks on the door. My eyes widen in shock and my heart feels as if it may stop beating completely.
"Who is it?" I say and hear the door open.
"Alexander." I can hear him getting closer and start to panic.
"Wait there!"
"I can't," he tells me and Joe kisses my cheek, his kiss soft and delicate.
"Can't you come back? I'm busy." I grab his hand before he leaves, pulling him close to me and kissing his lips.
"Not exactly..." Alexander tells me as Joe slips into the shadows once more.
"Why?" There's a long period of silence before he speaks again.
"Because your mother moved the date forward."
He doesn't need to explain to me which date he is talking about, I already know.
I feel myself freeze, all the air is drawn from my lungs. I am suffocating once more. Any life that Joe breathed into me, anything at all is gone.
"What?" I croak, walking over to the door and unlocking it.
"I'm-"
"When is it then?"
"Tomorrow. She thinks it will make you behave, Taylor."
He turns to walk out of the room, before he turns to face me once more. "Oh, and your mother is looking for Prince Joseph, have you seen him?"
I shake my head, barely able to concentrate at all. "No, I haven't seen him at all. Although he did mention something about the village."
I feel faint. Tomorrow? Married? To him?
I slam the door, turning the lock and leaning against it. How could my mother do this to me? Three weeks was one thing, but hearing that I am to be married in a day? How could she?
"Taylor..." Joe's hands are on my shoulder in moments, but my vision is blurry. My hands are trembling. My nightmares are coming true. How could my father agree to this?
"I need... I need..." To get out of here. With him.
"It's just a piece of paper, Taylor. A couple of rings. It doesn't matter, not really." He tells me, cupping my cheeks. "It doesn't take this away. It doesn't stop any of it.We'll get through this," How can he possible sound so sure? How can he know? He doesn't know what it's like.
In some distant part of my mind, I hear him talking but can't bring myself to listen.
I haven't had a panic attack in six years. I almost forgot what it felt like. Until this moment. It comes over me in waves, holding me under water. It's holding me down, pinning me underneath it. It weighs me down. I can't breathe, can't speak, can't move. It has grabbed a hold of me, pulling me down further and further and the light is getting further and further away. My chest is burning. The darkness overcomes me.
And
          then
                     there
                                   is
                                            light.
His lips find me through the dark and the oceans between us evaporate. His lips are my antidote. They bring me light. He's my salvation.
"You're okay... We're okay... It's just a piece of paper. Nothing between us changes. It's a game of pretend, Taylor. It just means that we... we do what's expected of us and live for the moments we are alone."
I try to speak but my voice is gone. My words lost.
The walls are caving in on me, they're too close. I can't breathe. My hands fumble for the lock, trying to escape.
"Where are you going?" Joe swiftly unlocks the door, and even when we've escaped the room, I'm still trapped. Suffocating. The walls are crumbling, my word is shattering with each breath I take.
I do not know the answer to his question. All I know is that I need to leave.
I leave, trying to find the nearest door. I see my mother and hear her call my name but keep walking until I am at the stables. I've lost all ability to hear what is going on around me.
I don't even bother tacking up Dorothea, I can ride bareback. The guards try to stop me but I refuse. The feeling of not being able to breathe is becoming too much and the sun is beginning to set. I am going to be married tomorrow. The words repeat over and over in my head.
Married. Already. Tomorrow.
I don't know where I am going but all I know is that it feels like I am never going to be free again.   My head is whirling, spinning around. I still can't breathe.  Now the sun of my final day of freedom has set and I am left in darkness. Once I am into the forest, I get off Dorothea and lean against a tree, and let my tears overcome me again.
Married. To Alexander. Tomorrow.
"It's just a ring, Taylor." A voice says softly from behind my tree. "A piece of paper. A signature. That's all it is."
I don't turn my head, I already recognise the voice.
"It's not a big deal... Not really." But it is. It's more than a piece of paper. It's a bed that I'm tied to, it's the promise of forever.
Joe finally appears, his hands gently on my waist, pulling me into him.
"You only have to act married in front of people. When you're alone, it's like nothing has changed." He whispers as if someone would be able to hear us in the middle of the forest.
"Why did you follow me?"
"I can't have you killed in the forest all alone and besides, I wanted to make sure that you were alright," he tells me as he kisses my cheek. I close my eyes. "It's just a piece of paper. It's going to be okay." He murmurs against my cheek, sending a shiver down my spine.
"Your mother, and just about everyone else in this whole damn castle thinks that you are so fragile, but I don't see that." He tells me and I look up at him. "Trust me. Once you start learning how to fight... you will be better than them all."
"How do you know?"
"Because there is fire in your soul and ice in your veins. You are free-spirited and someone who, in another time, place or universe, I would spend all of my days with. I am sorry that we have to love in secret," He says gently. I've only known him properly for not even a week, but this man has my heart and soul. "One day... one day maybe it will be us. Maybe one day it will be us sitting upon those thrones. Maybe one day we will live in a world where we can love and be free to love whoever the hell we want." Joe's hands cup my face, his hands tangled in my hair as he kisses me gently. "One day you will be my Queen, Taylor," He murmurs. "And maybe one day I will be your King, maybe one day we will love in the light of day. Maybe one day..."
"Long may we reign," I whisper softly against his lips. One day seems like an awfully big promise.
"Long may we reign." He echoes, and I sigh against his chest.