The Distance Within

4.

E.

"What did we say about not eating our bananas?" I sigh setting my elbows on the countertop.

"Yucki mummy." Xander crosses' his arms snapping his neck to the opposite side, Nutella and pancake free of his plate except for those fruits.

"Okay then, no fluffy for you when we leave for preschool."

"Nooooo-" He begins to whine before is shut him off.

"Eat them. All, or no fluffy." I drown my vitamins and leave the kitchen to make sure his bag wasn't missing a thing.

He was still three years old turning into four next month however, the doctor told me that he would help him thoroughly later on in life.

And if sending my three-year-old that was diagnosed with dyslexia only lesser than a year ago to a school that helps kids with these similar difficulties was going to save us from future difficulties, so be it.

"I'm entering the kitchen in five seconds you better be done!" I yell standing at the door, loudly counting for five.

"Here I come!" I barge into the kitchen walking up to him noticing the empty plate in front of him a smile on my lips, that until he turns to look at me...

A big grin in between his banana stuffed cheeks, and multiple banana smudges on his shirt, rubbing my hands over my forehead I go to scold him however when my eyes run over his, I notice a glint in his bright orbs that I don't get to see much, barely at times. That's when I decide maybe being the good mother act can come out later.

"Xander, baby what did we say about stuffing our mouth with food?" I grab a wet towel and dab it on his chin and cheeks as he swallows the last bit.

"You come twitly mommy I go stared." He chuckles moving his arms around and I can't help but smile.

"Okay let's go change your shirt and head out."

Grabbing him off his food chair, I carry him into his room, grabbing a blue shirt with colourful buses on it. "Mommy, why we no see grandma?"

I look up at him, his innocent dough eyes boring into mine, as he kicks his shoe-free feet slowly.
In moments like these, I felt the difficulty of parenting, I didn't suffer when he spilt something on the couch nor when he repeated a curse word I used, but when he asked about the dead or missing...that's when I felt like the same 22-year-old girl I was four years ago, depending on her mother for every move and solution she wanted.

"She's up there," I whisper my voice slightly wavering my eyes easily watering, as I point to the ceiling.

"The celein?" Xander asks confused, a down chuckle escaping my lips.

"No baby. She's in the sky, watching over us."

It took me three years to accept my fathers' death, and three years later I still struggled with believing that my mother wasn't by my side, wasn't here to guide me with Xander, or to watch lily graduate University. I struggled to know that in a span of three years I was now all alone, no one to remind me that maybe I was trying my best, maybe I wasn't failing at life, no one was here for that.

"No cry mommy. Timme hut." I hear him speak his small arms quickly making their way around my neck.

"I'm not crying." I chuckle at his cute acts, swiftly all the emotions I subside coming back to me, God, get it together Evelyn, you're a mother now stop acting like a teen.

I breathe in Xander's scent instead of the fresh air I meant to breathe, his baby scented shampoo filling my nostrils as I remembered, he was the reason I was standing strong, he was the only one I needed by my side in able to survive, the reminder I needed.