The Distance Within

16.

E.

Kissing Xander a goodnight kiss I make sure he's tucked in before exiting his room and paddling my way into my own, another night laying in a cold bed missing having someone's warmth beside me. I hurt him and I know I did but the consent reminder of it in his eyes sends this unsettling sentiment.

Looking at the canvases and knowing he painted each one of them made me view them differently almost too clearly like I knew what he meant like I was present when he did them. But I wasn't.

I hated this.

I hated myself for not forgetting, for wanting more, for craving another chance, when I shouldn't, I don't deserve it, even if I had a reason and even if he gave me a chance once he knew about Xander he's going to take him away and leave...leave me alone.

That night it all felt like the first month away from him, when I wanted to figure my life out with the simple plan I plotted and go back to him, of course, before Xander came into the picture, my blessing in disguise.

And if I ended up falling asleep at some point it was held with an emotion I wasn't unfamiliar with but, definitely unfamiliar with the intensification of it.

"GOOOODDDDDD MOWWWNINGGGGG!" A loud voice beams into my ears before a body is being collapsed on top of mine.

"Xander for god's sake!" I hiss pushing him away turning my face into the pillow blocking out his singing voice.

"Mommy, wate up!" Settling on my back he lays on me his voice close to my ear as he shook me awake.

"I want to sleep, five more minutes." I sleepily murmur ignoring him, god how much I desired some peace of mind right now. Though my lungs ached, it was like I couldn't take a full intake of air like I was choking, and maybe it was because of Xanders weight on my back and my face squished onto the pillow or it was the coughing coming back after disappearing the day I took antibiotics.

"You powmised me pantates." His voice grows quieter as he lays his head on top of mine still sitting on my back, my eyes closed and my mind drifting away in my sleepful haze ignoring the throbbing in my throat, but guilt is one of my weaknesses.

"Okay okay, cmon." I attempt to turn around with no success as his heavy limbs don't move. "Xan, move!" I grumble pushing him to the middle of the bed, my hands moving to attack his stomach covered with his favourite batman pyjama, his giggles immediately erupting fill the room and the whole apartment.

"Mommy, stop!" He pleads still howling and my fingers still moving against him before knowing when's enough. His laughter dies down and he tries to gather his breath, wiping his eyes with the back of his palm. "Good morning, love."

"Hiya," He squints his eyes, cheeks widening with the pull of his lips, my hand never moving quicker to reach for the polaroid camera snapping one as fast as I can before receiving a pout.

"No pictures!" He whines hating every time I grabbed this camera and snapped one of him.

"Why not? You look adorable!" Grabbing his face with my hands I smack a kiss on his dough-like cheeks.

"Now let's get up and make some pancakes," This sentence itself was ready to send him over the moon as he rushed to the bathroom while I still sat in bed recollecting memories I wish I didn't before grabbing a permanent marker from my nightstand and noting down the date below the polaroid and adding it to the set of non-ending ones.

My eyes slightly slipping onto various ones I haven't viewed in so long.

June 2016.

"GUESS WHAT I GOT!" I burst into the room, August not even flinching as he completes whatever he was writing.