this is what a broken heart feels like

dear 19 year old you

dear 19 year old you,

it's laborious for you to connect with other people, because you are so used to living inside of your own head and emotions. you isolate yourself easily and live in the fog — for it is better to be alone than to be wounded again and again. but you have to remember you are loved. and how you love yourself is how you educate others to love you.

you also love lengthy, meaningful conversations. for you value a high mental connection and someone who makes you wonder about things; someone who understands you like nobody else does.

i know you don't know what you exactly want, and overthinking is your worst nemesis — even when you deny so and feign that you don't care. for being emotionless is so much easier. you're nervous around everyone, and you feel suffocated in crowded rooms. you daydream a lot, and drops hints instead of being straightforward and confrontational. i know you detest how delicate you are, but you have to remember you are strong. you are so much courageous and stronger than you believe.

you feel intensely, because you are so sensitive and compassionate. you pick up vibes from every room and place you enter. though having all those feelings, thoughts, transverse through you is really arduous and complicated to even explain or comprehend. how could you then decipher what's going on in your head to others — when you don't even fathom it yourself?

so you constantly seem lost and easily put down. you feel on a higher frequency than most people, which is why you seek for an escape. because that escape is your only rest. you see the world as full of sorrow, disappointment, secrets, limitations, hurt and trouble. so you rather ignore the harsh reality, and instead find refuge in the worlds you create in your mind. and i don't blame you for it — though i hope one day, you'll plant hope in your heart's wounds.

you give people too many chances. you see people how you desire to see them, rather than for who they truly are. and you gravitate towards relationships where one of you needs saving. you either put too much of that liability into the other person; or have a strenuous time realizing that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

but what's even worse is you gravitate towards relationships that remind you of him.

and this is why your heart was made to be broken.

but i hope one day, you'll make sense of the trauma — that while trauma is a fact of life, it does not, however, has to be your life sentence. i hope one day, instead of waiting for the thunderstorm to pass, you're dancing in the rain.