Untrustworthy

The beggining

" FUCK YOU " I yell
angrily to my adoptive mother, as I run up the stairs to my room slamming the door behind me. I sit on my bed, thinking about that night I got taken away into foster care. Tears filled my eyes, as I whisper to myself " I hate this life ". I hate crying about that night because it's the one thing I would never open up about to nobody, as a matter of fact, I never opened about anything to anybody. I wonder, maybe, if I stopped bottling my pain up, I wouldn't be crying about something that happened so long ago. That night changed my life, completely. That night I got taken away from my family. Even though I never got along with most of them, it still pained me. Of course, my life has been filled with horrific things. People coming and going, just adding pain after pain to the point where I'm numb. I always say " It's okay " knowing nothing is okay. I had trouble opening up, mostly because I never learned to trust anybody, not even my parents considering the fact that I was raised by my grandma, Mercy.

It's October, and I got caught smoking, so my phone is taken. I'm missing my friends, well, I never had friends. I always thought the word " friends " was a useless vocabulary, like it never meant anything. Friends come and go, I've learned that much from my experiences.

    It's finally the end of October and I have been trying to avoid my adoptive mother for a couple weeks now, after you know, telling her to fuck off. " ELLA " Chrissy called, my adoptive mom, " WHAT, leave me alone " I say, annoyed thinking what the hell does she want, " I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, CAN YOU COME DOWN" she yelled back, " BE THERE IN A SEC " I say, really not wanting to go downstairs to look at those people anymore.

I go downstairs, and everybody is staring at me, all eyes on me and I gulp, nervously. " I wanted to say I was sorry but I am not sorry for taking your phone. You knew better then to smoke, again after being suspended in your last school for vaping", she told me. I rolled my eyes, not wanting to hear her give me a lecture. I mean yeah, what I did was wrong, but I did what I did for a reason, as I do with every other thing. " I don't want to talk to you, I tried to get you to understand why I did what I did, and as usual you told me that I'm fine and there's nothing wrong with me. It seems to me as if you only care about me if it's really urgent or a crisis has happened." I tell her, walking away trying to end the conversation. " Yeah I get that" she says, and I turn around, " Please, sit. I wanna speak to you more", "Fine", I say considering listening to her.

" Ella, your right", she says and I look shocked and astounded by what she told me. Me, right? Most people have trouble understanding me so I never open up. I don't care to. " Really, now you realize?" I ask, with an annoyance look on my face. " Yes, you are right Ella and I'm sorry but you did wrong, you brought drugs into my house, you broke my trust". I actually felt bad. For gods sake. " I'm sorry" I say, actually meaning it, but not wanting to mean it, just because I hate saying sorry first. I'll let myself say it first for the first time, and for sure my last time. She looked shocked, when I said sorry, first. " I didn't think you'd understand why I did what I did. I smoked, yes and I used it as a coping mechanism, which wasn't right." I admitted. " I'm sorry, believe me I -" she cut me off with a hug. " I believe you Ella, but you broke my trust. You took it to far this time. " She said, pulling away from me. "You could've put your baby brothers, Roy and James in big danger if they found the drugs in your room. You knew that, and you still did it." I almost cried, I really felt bad this time. " I'm sorry, I am. You have to understand, I was going through something. I was hurting. I don't open up, and that's my issue but I don't trust anyone. You out of all people, should know that, considering you raised me since I was 8. I'm 15 now, yes but I don't want to trust anyone. Nobody." That was my breaking point, I cried. It was the most I've ever told a person, about my feelings. " I forgive you, but you won't get your phone back until January. I need time to trust and get this through my head. Can you please understand ?" She asked, looking at me with a sad face. I shoved my head in my palms, not wanting to look at her, " Yeah, I understand" I say, sniffling. She hugged me a second time, this time I shrug her off me, not wanting anyone to feel sympathy for me.