Fall Part 1: Let Him Go

End of Flashback

Meeting him is not supposed to be my fate, becoming his friend is not a choice, falling in love with him is not my choice either.

But now, I know it was fate that brought me here.

"You sure you wanna go back there?" Grandma is asking me. We were fixing my things.

"It is the right thing to do Grandma. I need to leave. It is the only way I think that could heal the pain." I took my things and put them to my bag.

"I'm gonna miss you. Promise me you'll come back." she hugged me. Thn tears started to fall from my eyes. She might not the best, but now I know that right from the start, she knows everything. We break our hugs and smiled. "I'll be back. I promise."

My things are all set. My flight will be tomorrow. Yes, I am going back to Amsterdam. I am lucky that Grandma let me decide for my own. I'm gonna miss this place, my home.

I walked for a while. I went to the beach where James told me about our story, he doesn't even know it was me he was talking about.

He's right, I must be punished. I sit down and closed my eyes. I try to remember. The first time we met, I was telling him to stay away from me.

"Do you want to have some coffee." he offered me a smile

"I don't need coffee or something, just stay away from me. Can you?" with that he is speechless and I was walking away from him.

When we made a bet leading me to become his friend.

"If you get in class in time tomorrow, you win. But, if you are late, you lose." was he serious? Easy.

"Is that all?" I asked him telling him that I will win the bet.

"Well, pretttly much Lancaster." he gave me a smile and I just give him a death glare. If only eyes can kill, he's already dead right now.

His gift.

"Seriously dude? An alarm clock?" I laughed.

"Yeah, so you won't get late anymore." I pushed him away from me. "I hate you." I laughed.

"No, you love me. You can never hate me." he looked at me and smiled. How can I hate this guy? It's like I've known him since birth. I hugged him as tight as I could. I can never stop these tears anymore. he pushed me gently and wipe my tears. We both laughed.

How can I hate him?

Our little arguments, big fights but we always have reconciliation. When we have getaway and get wasted and got brain washed. And the kiss. I was busy holding back not realizing I am falling for him hardly everyday.

I opened my eyes and felt the tears touch my face. This place, will be my safe haven. He always brought me here, it is always be our meeting place.

I went to our hide out place. Now I am getting the point why he surprised me on my birthday, yes he was true, he made it ten years ago, but he didn't know it is the same girl after all. I wonder he's willing to take a risk again cause he was already hurt, now I know it was because of me again. He was empty, and I fulfilled that emptiness when we met again, but now I was left empty again. I decided to write him a letter.

Dear James,

I might be boardning for Amsterdam or I might be in Amsterdam right now, while you're reading this.

Thank you. For allowing me to enter your world again. For making me love this place. For introducing me in the world I am never fund of. Thank you for bringing me to Maldives where I first get drunk.and get wasted, funny right. Thank you for letting my wish come true, watching the sunset is one of the precious things I wish when I was still in Paris, do you remember? Now I know why you offered me coffee and invite me in the arcade, you are getting clues if I am the girl you are looking for, and you found it wasn't her. I changed everything right after I leave my best friend too. I liked coffee and I wish to go to an arcade when we're young but that changed after I left you. I am happy that you take it with you.

Sorry. For leaving you again and again. But now I wanna make some difference, now I'm letting you know. Sorry for making you empty.

Memories I made with you will be the best memories I would bring. I would never share it, it is a secret by the way. I never thought I would find you again. And I know it was fate that brought me here. It has given me a chance to fulfill you. But now you got another girl, and it is my turn to be empty, well my karma is bad, isn't it?

All the time, you are doing this, for Chanel, we have the same name, but I want you to know, it was me after all. I know you hate me and you can never love someone who has left without any words. I was just a child that time, and I am confused and don't know what to do.

But I just I want you to know how painful it was Robert. When I found out it was you, I kept distance cause I know at last, you would eventually hate me and pushed me away and that would so much pain, I guess, staying away from you would lessen the pain. But it hurts more, knowing you found another one on your way but I deserve this pain. I was hurt even more when told me you are tired of me and you told me you don't know how we became best friends, well you were the one who forced me to open the door right? You forgot that one, but it's fine, I hope I can let you remember, but I can't. One more thing, do you know that I fall for you in the process? I don't know where it started, maybe in doing the household chores, or when we go to Maldives. Or maybe, I was falling right from the start after all. That's why I have to leave, this heart is broken and it needs to be heal.

Meeting you is not supposed to be my fate. Becoming your best friend is not my choice. Falling in love with you is not my choice, either. Now it is.

Thank you James. I am sorry Robert. I love you Robert James.

Goodbye. Until we find our ways again.

Love, Chanel Lancaster