We need the old Kermit: Full Edition

Chapter 13

Any time someone passed Kermit’s room, they could look in and see him, staring off into space, looking more and more depressed. When he came down for meals, he never started a conversation. He listened to everything they had to say, and occasionally he would even ask questions, but any fool could tell that his heart wasn’t in it. 

It was painful for the Muppets to watch him sink into such a dark hole. Every day, their fund raising became less for the theater and more for Kermit. They all wanted to shake Kermit and force him to come to his senses. But instead, he shook them, and shook out any notion of talking directly to him about his depression, at dinner on Wednesday night.

They were all sitting around the table, eating, talking, and even laughing a little bit. Kermit pushed his food around on his plate, not really interested in eating. The din died down a little as the main focus shifted from talk to food. Kermit mumbled something, but no one really heard what.

Miss Piggy had been watching him from the moment he sat down. She couldn’t stand seeing him so depressed. This mumbled remark- whatever it was- was the last straw. She snapped. “Kermie,” she said, “Vous have not been acting like yourself at all. Moi simply can’t stand it. What is wrong with you?” 

His eyes snapped up and he stared at her. Everyone was completely silent. They were all watching, listening. The room was boiling over with a tension that seemed to have materialized out of nowhere. 

Kermit’s face got dark. Something burned inside of him. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew he couldn’t have controlled it, even if he had cared enough to try.

“Why do you care,” he said flatly. “Don’t you have a guest star to flirt with or something?” He stood up and walked up the stairs, without clearing his plate. Miss Piggy followed him. No one else moved, or made a sound.

Kermit got to his room and slammed the door in Miss Piggy’s face. She flung it back open and stormed in. 

“ANSWER ME!” she shouted.

“WHY SHOULD I?” he shouted.

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” she shouted.

“NO YOU DON’T!” he shouted. “IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULDN’T THROW YOURSELF AT EVERY GUY YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE!”

“AND I DON’T!” she shouted.

“YES YOU DO!” he shouted. “AND DON’T TRY TO TALK YOU WAY OUT OF IT, BECAUSE IT’S THE TRUTH!”

“WELL, MAYBE IT IS! BUT-“

“NOT MAYBE, PIGGY! IT JUST IS!”

“KERMIT, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU RIGHT NOW!”

“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP ME, PIGGY? YOU CAN LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“I’VE BEEN LEAVING YOU ALONE, KERMIT! AND YOU’VE GOTTEN WORSE!”

“ASK ME IF I CARE, PIGGY!”

“I CARE, KERMIT!”

“NO YOU DON’T!” he shouted. “YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS TO YOU, PIGGY?” He waved his arms around, pointing at the various corners of the house. “YOU KNOW WHAT THE THEATER MEANS TO YOU? NOTHING! IT’S ALL JUST A STEPPING STONE! YOU’RE JUST USING IT TO BE A STAR, AND DON’T THINK THAT I DON’T KNOW IT! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME!”

“KERMIT, THAT’S NOT TRUE!”

“YES IT IS! I’M JUST ANOTHER PIECE OF BACONFOR THE PIG TO HOG!”

“HIII-YA!”

Kermit flew across the room and slammed into the wall. Miss Piggy stormed out. Kermit got up and slammed the door behind her. She got to her own room and slammed the door shut.

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The others were still at the table, completely silent. They had heard everything, every last word. They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. Then it was like something snapped. They all got up and cleared the table. Then they dispersed into various rooms of the house, looking for something to do, trying to forget about the fight.

Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, and Robin gathered in front of Kermit’s room. Fozzie pressed his ear up against the door. 

“He’s crying,” he said.

Fozzie, Rowlf, and Gonzo shook their heads. Robin ran. He ran to his room and grabbed a pen and some paper. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a tray. He ran to the front porch and sat down on the porch swing. He laid the tray across his lap and put the paper on top of it. And he wrote furiously until it was too dark to see the paper in front of him.

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Kermit took down the poster for Under the Weeping Willow and replaced it with a “FOR SALE” sign. He turned and looked at the street. His friends were walking by. They didn’t look at him, or the theater, or the sign. They didn’t care. No, they cared, but there was nothing they could do. So they ignored it.

Suddenly he was on a beach. Miss Piggy was there, too.

“I LOVE YOU!” she shouted at him.

“NO YOU DON’T!” he shouted.

“YES I DO!” she shouted.

“THEN PROVE IT!” he shouted.

“I CAN’T!” she shouted.

“BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME!” he shouted.

She was furious. She pushed a rowboat into the water and got in. “YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME, KERMIT!” she shouted as she rowed away. “YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING!”

“WAIT! PIGGY!” he ran into the water, trying to chase her, but she was too fast. “MISS PIGGY!” he shouted. “THE BOAT! THERE’S A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BOAT!” But she was too far away to hear him. The water was getting too deep. He started to swim, but his flipper was caught in the seaweed. “MISS PIGGY!”

He was sinking. He looked up as he sank. There was a rainbow. But... no, it wasn’t. There was no color. It was black, and gray, and white. It was fading. And he was sinking, down, down, down...

Kermit jolted awake. He was on his bed, in his room, at home. He was safe. But he was still shaking.

He looked at his clock. It was 1:21 AM. Everyone was probably fast asleep. He got up and began to pace the length of the room. Then he heard something, and stopped. Someone else was awake and moving.

He followed the sound out into the hall. It led him to Miss Piggy’s door. Light peeked out around the door, and he could hear her crying. He shook his head and walked back to his room, closing the door behind him.

He clicked on his lamp, pulled out a pen, and set some paper on his nightstand.

“Miss PiggyI don’t-“ he stopped, crinkled the paper up into a ball, threw it away, and began again. “To Miss Piggy. I didn’t mean-“ he stopped, crinkled the paper up into a ball, and tried once more. “Dear Miss PiggyI’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t know why I did. And to answer your question-“ he paused. Her question. What was wrong with him? He thought for a moment, and continued. “I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wish I did. Sincerely, Kermit the Frog.”

Satisfied, he folded the note in half, went back to Miss Piggy’s room, slid the note under her door, and walked back to his room. He didn’t go back to sleep. He sat on his bed and watched through the window as the cloudy sky went from black to gray. He listened as the Muppets woke up and went through their morning routines. He stayed on his bed, staring out his window, occasionally fighting tears, until about 8:45 when he heard a tiny knock on the door. He got up and opened the door a crack. He didn’t see anyone.

“Uncle Kermit?”

He looked down, and there was Robin, with a tray full of food. Kermit let his nephew in, and closed the door behind him.