We need the old Kermit: Full Edition

Chapter 3

Kermit sat on the apron of the stage, with his feet dangling down in the band pit. He had spent the entire morning checking every inch of the theater to see that nothing was missing and that nothing was being wasted. Now he looked out at the audience, filled with almost all of the show’s cast and crew. His friends. His family. Up in the balcony, Statler and Waldorf had already taken their seats for that night’s show.

“Okay everybody,” Kermit said. “Pay attention.”

They settled in and quieted down. 

“The insurance went up again,” he began. “The stage lights need work, and as always we need to keep getting more scenery, props, and costumes. We had a couple of bad weeks last month, so we’re already behind on expenses. We should be able to catch up after the summer special, but that’s not for another month.

They nodded. So far they already knew most of this. Kermit took a deep breath.

“Now last night, we were almost robbed.” A few murmurs flickered through the theater. “Someone picked the locks, opened the safe, took some money, and left. They didn’t touch anything else. The only reason we didn’t lose the money... is Uncle Deadly.”

The murmurs became more intense. “So in addition to everything else,” he raised his voice to talk over the murmurs. “We need new locks and-“ no one could hear him. “QUIIIEEET!!!” he shouted. The murmurs ceased. “Thank you,” he said. “Like I was saying, we need better locks. But we can’t do everything. We have to cut back wherever we can. So Clifford?”

“Yeah Kerm?” Clifford called up from the audience.

“Keep the stage lighting to an absolute minimum. Only use full lighting for shows, not for rehearsals. Hilda, I want you to go through all the old costumes and see what you can make out of them. We’ll do the same thing with props and sets, and build our acts off of that. And Beauregard?”

“Yes?” Beauregard said.

“Unless I tell you otherwise, only wash the floor once a day.”

“O-kay,” Beauregard said.

“The bottom line is we have to cut every corner possible, and hope we can make ends meet,” Kermit said. “Any questions?”

Beauregard raised his hand. “But Kermit,” he said, “If we cut off all the corners, won’t the building fall down?”

Kermit scrunched up his face. “Not that kind of corner, Beau,” he said.

“Hey I’ve got a question,” Floyd said. “Does the summer special have a name yet?”

“No,” Kermit said, “and we can’t start advertising until it does. So if anyone has any ideas, let me know.” 

“Kermie?” Miss Piggy asked, “Do we have to cut back on everything?” 

Kermit nodded. “Everything. Sets, props, costumes, water, electricity- everything to the bare minimum.” He turned his gaze towards the rats. “And that includes the food we can provide at the theater. We’ll still have some light snacks, but other than that you’re on your own.”

The theater filled with angry murmurs. Kermit sighed, not really wanting to force this plan onto them.

“OR WE COULD ALL TAKE MAJOR PAY CUTS!” Clifford shouted at the complaining crowd. They quieted down.

“If any of you have a better idea, I’m open to suggestions,” Kermit said.

“How much of this extends to the boarding house?” Dr. Teeth asked. 

Kermit thought about it and said, “Let’s put it this way. If you don’t pay for it out of your own pocket, don’t waste it.”

“But Kermit, not all of us have pockets,” Fozzie said.

“Out of your own paycheck, then,” Kermit said.

“What about those ants in the dressing room?” Sam asked. “Is anything being done about those?”

“Yeah, we’re pairin’ ‘em up with uncles,” Floyd said.

“I’ve been calling some exterminators,” Scooter said. “They’re all pretty expensive, but there’s one more I haven’t called yet that specializes in ants, so we’ll see.

“Mm,” Sam said.

“Hey Kermin!” Pepe said. “If we’re cutting corners, hokay, you sure you want to pay for that permit?”

“Well don’t we have to for that act?” Kermit asked.

“Maybe,” Pepe said. “But, I can talk to some of de nice ladies working at city hall...” There were a few scattered murmurs in the theater.

“No,” Kermit said. “We’ll pay for the permit.”

“Plastic’s cheaper, hokay,” Pepe said.

“WHAT?” Sam said. 

“That doesn’t sound very cute,” Bean Bunny said.

“We’ll pay for the permit,” Kermit said, grateful that Robin was spending the day with frog scouts.

Sam stood up. “How DARE you suggest something so OBSCENE and Un-American!” he shouted at Pepe, gesturing largely with his wings. “This is an outrage! I will have none of it!” His wing smacked into Bean, sending the bunny flying into the band pit, where he crashed into Animal’s drum set. 

“DRUMS! DRUMS!” Animal shouted as he bolted forward.

“Down Animal!” Floyd ordered as the chain whipped out of his hands.

Everyone was talking now, throwing around questions, suggestions, insults, comments, ideas, and each other. Statler and Waldorf watched the pandemonium below them.

“They’d better calm down,” Waldorf said. “They’ll ruin the whole theater if they keep this up.”

“So?” Statler said. “It’s not like the show’s any good anyways!”

“What a headline!” Fleet Scribbler was saying. “Frog restricts food at Muppet Theater: Crew considers bribing officials!”

“Who let you in?” Clifford said. “Man, how are we supposed to stop thieves if we can’t even keep reporters out?” He started ushering Fleet towards a door.

“What a headline!” Fleet said. “Muppet Security Trouble: Robbery a Major Threat!”

“You print that and I’ll give you a headache the size of Manhattan,” Clifford said.

“What a headline!” Fleet said. “Muppets Threaten Reporter!”

“Will you cut that out?” Clifford said.

“What a headline!” Fleet said. Then Marvin Suggs knocked him on the head with a mallet. “OW!”

“Thanks Marv,” Clifford said, ducking a boomerang fish. He tried to make out bits of conversation. 

“Less food?”

“How do we base our acts on the sets?

“Old costumes?”

“QUIIIIEEEEET!!!” Kermit shouted. Silence fell. “Guys, we still have a big show coming up in a month and the usual show next week,” he said. “Let’s get to work.”