The Hidden Card || NCT MAFIA

Chapter seventy-one: No promises

Iseul's hand was wet with Taeyong's tears.

She had never seen him cry, and she wished, from the bottom of her heart, that she would never have to witness that sight again.

"I'm sorry," she mouthed as her thumb lightly brushed his wet cheeks.

Taeyong's laugh took her by surprise. He cleared his throat, avoiding her gaze.

"I'm the one who should apologize," he said, his voice hoarse. "You took a bullet and I'm acting like a jerk."

"You are a jerk."

Iseul's attempt to lighten up the mood failed, as Taeyong looked at her with severity.

"I really am."

He put a gentle hand above hers, "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Iseul did not know how to react.

"For being a rude asshole most of the time," he went on, "for pushing you away when things get hard instead of relying on you, and for mistreating you."

He let out a humorless laugh, "Damn, I have so many things to apologize for, I think I need a list."

A sad smile blossomed on Iseul's face.

"I hope you're not waiting for me to disagree with you here," she said. And even though the tone of her voice was light, Taeyong knew better than to ignore the seriousness of her words.

"Of course not. I just want you to know that I mean it. I- I'm trying, I swear. I just... don't know how to manage."

"Manage what?" Iseul asked softly.

"This anger, this rage I have inside."

Taeyong took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He leaned on Iseul's hand that was cupping his cheek, enjoying her warmth.

"Sometimes," he whispered, his voice low, "I feel like it's going to eat me alive. Destroy me from within."

Iseul's heart ached. There were still so many things she didn't know about Taeyong. His past was still a dark spot where she didn't dare look into. She didn't know whether she was afraid of what she'd find out, or if, on the contrary, she'd fall into it, letting the darkness get to her, too.

"It won't."

The firmness of her own voice surprised Iseul, but she went on. "The fact that you are aware of your flaws proves that you are on the right path."

"You'll get there, I'll help you."

The look Taeyong gave Iseul made her heart melt. She knew he had trouble expressing his emotions, but the light in his dark eyes told her more than words could.

He gently put a hand on her face, his thumb slightly brushing her lips.

"What did I do to deserve you?" he whispered, as if talking to himself.

Slowly, Taeyong leaned in, his lips caressing hers with gentleness. The contact between them lit up a fire in their chest, stronger than anger, stronger than fear. It was during those intimate moments that Taeyong realized just how much he loved the girl he was holding. Having her near him, by his side, and knowing that she accepted him despite his flaws made him believe he could do anything.

Feeling her heart beat against his, the softness of her hair against his cheek and the delicacy of her skin against his was the best feeling in the world. With Iseul in his arms, he felt like he finally belonged.

"I love you," he breathed against her lips.

Taeyong pressed his forehead against hers, both of his hands cupping her small face.

She smiled.

"I love you too."

The words sent butterflies flying in his stomach.

Iseul couldn't tell how long they stayed like this; melting into each other's embrace. But she didn't care; she could stay in his arms forever.

The rest of the world disappeared whenever Taeyong touched her.

After minutes -or was it hours?- Taeyong looked deep into her eyes and broke the comforting silence creating a bubble around them.

"Don't ever do that again. Please."

Iseul frowned, "What?"

Taeyong leaned back a little to take a better look at her, but still not moving his hands away from her face.

"Don't ever stand between me and a gun again."

Then, after he took a deep breath, "Please. Don't ever risk your life again. I'm begging you."

His voice broke when he said the last words.
"I wouldn't take it."

Iseul had a lump in her throat. She knew exactly what Taeyong was thinking. He was feeling guilty.

"It wasn't your fault," she said quietly.

Something in Taeyong's eyes hardened.

"Yes, it was. I never should have let you get kidnapped in the first place, let alone fall into your mother's trap."

Mother, Iseul thought as her heart ached. She would ask about her later. For now, she wanted to focus on Taeyong.

"And I should have been more careful," she added. "But we're both fine now, and that's all that matters. I don't regret what I did, and I would do it again."

Taeyong's grip on her face tightened a little, but not enough to hurt her.

"Don't say that," he spoke through greeted teeth. "You could have died protecting me like you did, and as heroic as it was, your action was mostly reckless. Promise me you won't do something like this again."

Iseul swallowed hard.

"No. Because then, I would be lying."

Taeyong exhaled loudly, letting his hands fall to her thighs. He pressed them gently, sending shivers down her spine at the feeling.

"Iseul," he pleaded. "I can't lose you. Please, promise me you won't put yourself in harm's way, and especially not to protect me."

She confronted his severe gaze, unable to look away. There was something so fascinating about him.

"Look at me in the eye," she began, "and tell me you wouldn't have done the same for me. That, if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't have jumped in front of that gun the way I did. Tell me that you would not sacrifice yourself for me if you found yourself in that situation, and I'll promise I will never do that again."

Her determined gaze was fixed on his, waiting for an answer. 

Taeyong clenched his jaw, but did not utter a word, letting silence reply for him.