Geek God and Xander Zee [ZaintSee]

Chapter 6

The site was working fine now, there were still unique users trying to sign in, but the server was able to support it. I couldn't make out who were really Pruk's fans and who were not. Images and videos of Pruk were being shared on the site. I was happy, really happy but jealous too. So many girls, who are beautiful, cute, lovely, sweet, all desire to be with him. Now it is not fair for me to be possessive of him. I learned to accept that no matter what I and Pruk can never be a real thing, I am his fan and nothing more, yes I know that Ctrl+Z told me that he loved me, but he is famous now, he wouldn't want to be with someone like me. I shove all my feelings to one side and stick to the fan code. That is you can see them, love them, be obsessed with them, but you cannot touch them or harass them no matter how crazy you are about them. Always show love and respect to your idols. That's what I am going to do, but I have to make it clear to Ctrl+Z alias Pruk that we can't be anything more and we should probably end this right now. My heart broke, I was crying while I typed a private message to him.

GG: I am sorry, I was shaken by the revelation of who you really are, the site crashed when I was about to reply to you. This is all such a dream, you became famous overnight, all because of that picture, I am sure you would be busy taking calls from many people right now. I know I gave you my word on being there for you, I will. But I will stay with you as a friend and a fan, I can't be more than that to you. I love you and I admire you. I wouldn't deny that, I hope all your wishes come true. But I think we should stop thinking about each other and developing feelings that will only give us pain. You deserve so much better than me, I will remain your greatest fan.

I kept crying, I am stupid I know but the demon within me called 'insecurity' is stronger than anything, it is even stronger than my love for him. I continued to make upgrades on the site. The server arrived at my address in three days. I could have continued to use the server of Nile tech but it just wasn't fair for me to use it for free while people spend so much money to rent such servers. It was big and it took half the space in my condo. I'm really not sure if I wanna maintain this site anymore, it is making me depressed. Pruk was getting famous, too many photoshoots and an equal amount of pictures, I don't think he has even seen my message yet, he did not reply, that again only says that he forgot me, I don't blame him, he is doing his dream job and I wouldn't want anything less for him. I saw this coming but why? Why do I still feel hurt? Why do I feel sad? Why does my heartbreak to see him in collaboration projects with other beautiful people? They look so good together, that's how I genuinely feel, but still, it hurts... I am supposed to be him but I can't.

I became too depressed, I couldn't think straight anymore, I was getting sick, I was living on antibiotics and everything was taking a toll on me, the appointment date to meet with Day was nearing but now I couldn't even stand up properly, no one to take care of me, I have never felt this lonely in life. I started having dreams, scary ones, like Pruk finding someone new, someone who is a better fan than I am, that someone becoming Pruk's greatest fan. I yell, I shout, I won that title, I am Pruk's greatest fan, but no one can hear me. But Pruk notices me, I yell and I wave at him. I yell asking him if he can hear me, he just smiles at me and intertwines his hand with this other person and turns around and disappears in the dark.

I woke up with a jolt after that scary dream, I relaxed and gulped down some water, I heaved heavy breaths and suddenly I see Pruk sitting next to me, he has the same smile as it was in my dream. I freak out and scramble back, I hit my head and I shook it and Pruk was not there anymore. I was hallucinating. This was getting serious, I've started to see things now. I try to work on something but my health isn't helping me. I saw Pruk many more times in the next few days. He always had the same smile, it was warm and tender, I try to shake the image off every time, but sometimes I just unconsciously stare at him leading my imaginations on for a long time. I am aware that all this is in my head, I should probably visit the doctor, but I'm weak and I couldn't.

I was starting to get stable, my fever was getting low and I was able to shower, my hair now is just the right length so I don't need to trim or style it. I'm even more anxious as I have to step out and meet Day. That also meant that I had to dress up. I picked up a grey hoodie from the new clothes that I bought. Pruk's image appeared and gave me a disapproving look.

"What now you started to judge me?"

I saw him shrug, I figured that since I haven't heard his voice I don't really know what he sounds like and hence I don't hear him but just see him.

"What about this ?" I ask the figure as I held up a white hoodie

He made a hand motion that indicated it was okay but not great.

"This?" I asked him when I took a black hoodie, Black is my favorite. If at all he disapproves of this I'm going to be super mad at him.

But he gave me a thumbs up

"Thank you?" I took a shorts, I thought I could resemble my avatar Geek God from Strike 101.

He looked at me with hands on his hips and shook his head and made a cross with his hands indicating a big 'no'.

"Possessive much"

He rolled his eyes

"What do you want me to wear then?"

He pointed at a blue ripped jeans that covered my legs but looked good as well,

I wore it and said "not bad you have some~... what the hell? Did I start talking to him now?" I looked at him angrily,

he looked sad

"Get. out. of. my. sight" I say through gritted teeth,

He looked even sadder

I shut my eyes and scream while holding my head, I have gone crazy, I opened my eyes and I was alone in the room.