Geek God and Xander Zee [ZaintSee]

Chapter 9

He looked hurt, I pushed him and sat up, tears were welling up in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, but we need to stop, we shouldn't do this," I say.

"But... Why? I thought we can finally be together. " His voice was cracking and his tears started to flow down, I couldn't see him like that so I looked down.

"You and I... Are from different worlds, all I can say is you deserve better"

"You can't be the one to say that Saint, it is me who should decide on that"

"Please, why don't you understand, we can't be together, I am your fan, yes, but I can't have you all for myself"

"Fan? Tell me if that's the only tag you wanna give yourself for the feelings you have towards me?"

"I..."

"Saint," he held my hand and placed it on his chest, I still didn't look up, he was sobbing I could feel drops falling on my hand. "I know how you feel right now"

"You don't, trust me you don't"

"I know, because I've felt the same way too, my entire life, like I don't deserve anything, like I'm not worthy, like everyone is better off without me. I know how insecurity can break you, I've been there," he was crying but his voice was stable, he was trying to be brave to make me feel better, and that just melted me. "I came here believing that we can finally be together, I came here for my love, you do know that I love you right?"

I couldn't, this was too much no one has ever been so sweet to me, I just nodded acknowledging his feelings for me. But the demons in your head just don't disappear overnight. I still looked down.

"Saint, look at me" he made me look at his eyes again, he was crying, very much. But he managed to say "I just need a chance, give me one chance to make you feel better about yourself"

"But that's not how it works Zee, I need to love myself first to Love someone else, I just don't think I will be able to love you completely without feeling like the worst, I'm just trying to protect myself why don't you understand," I said through my sobs

"I know, okay... You don't have to love me, you don't have to return the feeling I give to you, but I don't think I can be without you Saint, you're too precious for me to lose"

"Zee, if we start anything on this basis it's just not gonna last, we might as well stop right here and save the pain we give each other after we get too attached."

He moved and sat back leaning on the wall, he continued to cry and I couldn't stop my tears as well. We stayed silent for a few moments and then he started,

"Do you know that I almost killed myself?"

I perked up my head to look at him in utter shock

"I don't know why I searched for myself that day, but I just did. Maybe I thought I never got what I wanted and never will, being famous, being an actor has been my dream since, like forever, I have done everything, but I was never acknowledged, my family constantly reminding me about how shitty I made there life and my career going nowhere, I just decided that I don't wanna live anymore, I've felt that way before but on that day it was stronger than anything, I even wrote a suicide note. But at the last minute, I just searched my name, probably to be more discouraged, probably thinking that at least tomorrow when I'm dead I will be on the news and there will be some news about me on the internet. But when I did, I found the site. I was curious, I did not know any other celebrity sharing my name, so it had to be a fan site meant for me. I signed in and I wasn't surprised to see only one user. Do you know that you saved me, after talking to you, after getting to know that someone out there recognized me and they like me, do you know how it made me feel? I woke up to a new day only to talk to you. You became my purpose. Surprisingly I felt optimistic and brave. I was making the people around me notice me and even my family was starting to treat me better, you are truly my good luck charm. Now it has been proven, I got famous overnight because of that picture I posted for you. An agency called me and offered me a modeling contract, now they take care of my promotions. I might even get to act in a few projects in the future, but none of this would have happened if it wasn't for you, you saved my life and you are the reason for me to have all this recognition I always wanted. But I just don't feel content, I can't fully be myself if it's not for you, I feel like nothing else matters except for you right now"

He finished talking, he hesitantly stood up, he looked at me with tear-filled eyes and smiled painfully,

"I will not bother you anymore, it was nice to meet you" saying that he walked up to the door.

"Wait" I yelled, I couldn't, I just couldn't let him leave like that, I love this man, how can I hurt him, and how should I live after what he said. I stood in front of him.

He looked at me with eyes filled with hope.

"I... I need you" I let out, he looked at me "I can't let this stupid feeling take over and lose the one thing that matters to me, I never knew I would make such an impact on your life but you, you have given me a purpose in life, above that, you give me happiness, I can't, I can't afford to let you go, not like this. I'm still not sure if I can love you without being insecure but, I don't want to go down without a fight"

He smiled and he hugged me, so tight he probably wished to squeeze me smaller in size and put me in his pocket and carry me with him. I coughed and pushed myself off his tight grip, he was smiling.

"You need to let me breathe, you know" I joked.

He chuckled, I wanted to smile, but I didn't, because I just don't smile in front of someone. But let him hug me again, it felt good, I hugged him back and we fit so perfectly.