Aquagirl (Fem. Percy x YJ)

81

I laid there, against Canary, staring blankly at the wall. Vaguely, I could feel her hand brushing my head. It sent warmth surging through me, and I leaned into it. I could barely stop the noises wanting to leave my throat, whines so pitiful they could only serve to make things worse. My breath hitched as she tugged me closer to her side. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. 

I don't- I do not deserve this. None of this. Not a bit of it was earned, not a bit was warranted. And yet I did not move away. I laid there, tucked against Canary and let her do this. Why? Why was I letting myself be comforted? 

Pull away. Pull away and press into the corner. You do not deserve comfort. You do not deserve to indulge yourself with this when you have caused so much harm. 

The voices were there, but I could not listen. At once, I wanted to and I did not. I was locked in place, between two sides. One said I should allow this, the other said I was only adding to my sins. And I did not know which was the angel and which was the devil. 

"--in here?" asked Canary. I blinked up at her. Blue eyes glanced down at my confused expression. She sighed, and I bit on my cheek. Stop making her worry. "Why did you lock yourself in here?" Soft concern filled her voice. It hurt. So did the way her fingers never stopped. Over and over she ran them through my tangled hair, only pausing to work out knots. It would be better if she did. Manipulate me, use it as a way to get information. Make it so it wasn't her being so sickenly nice to me. 

And it would not be as if she was the only one to use such techniques. Those greater than her have done it.  Poseidon did it. 

Fingers tapped, a silent request for me to answer. Still chewing on my cheek, I could taste copper. "I-" I paused. "I do not know." A lie. I knew it, and she did. She had to. I shuddered as nails pulled against my scalp. A whine slipped through. I wanted to hug her again, but I would not. I could not. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. I should not be crying. Nor should my hands be shaking from this. The only reason they should be shaking is one everyone seemed desperate to keep out of my grasp. 

"I-" For a moment, I believed she would push it. Call me on the blatant falsehood, or push me away for the same reason. "Did something trigger another flashback?"

I huffed a breath and turned into her side. Her warmth pushed against the anxiety. It wasn't enough to fully calm my heart, or to banish the internal voices from my head. They lurked, waiting and circling like sharks. 

"Is that a yes or--" said Canary. I shook my head. "That's okay."

"It is not."

"Yes. Yes, it is." 

Again I shook my head. She does not understand. It was so dumb. Nothing caused it. Nothing around me made me fear for my life. And yet I felt a hand around my throat, choking off my air. It lingered still, a heavy pressure poised to strike at any moment. I swallowed, shoulders shaking. 

Do not think about it. 

I sniffed and rubbed my eyes. My hands curled. I wanted that pain. The sharp burning pain that soothed everything, that swept everything beneath it. I needed it. Nails pressing into my palms, it was not enough. This was not right. It did not compare to the linger ache from my earlier assault. And it did not do what I wanted it to. Maybe-- Maybe I could risk more. 

Dragging my nails hard against my arm, I could not stop the wave of guilt. This is not something I should do in front of Canary. Do it at night when no one is watching me. Pull at the skin on my arms until it is raw. I choked out a sob. Mother knew. 

The bangle was warm against my wrist, and if I pulled back my sleeve, I would see its glow. With any luck-- Maybe they would all stop caring. 

"Hey, no. Stay with me, little bird." The hand slipped from my hair. A choked whine slipped past my lips. Canary's hands wrapped mine. My arms shook with each of my frantic attempts to pull away. "Five things you see?"