My Enigma

Dear Diary

  Sitting upright on his bed, Gon stared at the journal in his hands. His grip was tight, and his curiosity was strong. He truly did not want to invade Killua's privacy, as he made it very clear that it was personal. However, Gon thought it could be one of the only things to maybe provide insight on why Killua was acting somewhat avoidant. Reluctantly, he opened the book to Sunday.

Sunday, 9/9

Dear Diary,

Of course I enjoyed my time with Gon yesterday. It's just, I don't really know how to put it. He's been texting me all day, but for some reason I just don't have the energy nor confidence to face him? God, this sounds like something ripped straight from a Netflix original. I guess I'll leave this here for now.

  In hopes of a more elaborate explanation, Gon flipped the page.

Monday, 9/10

Dear Diary,

The day barely even started and I immediately feel immense guilt for telling Gon my phone didn't receive any of his messages. On another note, Leorio is like faking sick or something. It's really awkward so far omg Gon is trying to talk to me rn. Listen, I'm trying not to be a dick but I seriously just don't feel comfortable anymore! And why? Is this the supposed 'internalized homophobia' or whatnot? Maybe I should just stay off of Instagram.

Tuesday, 9/11

Dear Diary,

Every time I look at him, it's almost euphoric. He's so pure and innocent. So cute. I can admit he has made my life so much better. Thing is, I just feel so bad. The more I think about it, the more I get lost in my own thoughts. The more I get lost in my own thoughts, the less courage I have to even talk to him. Am I going to mess this up?? Seriously???

  "Wait... Killua's," Gon whispered to himself, "Is this really about me?"

Wednesday, 9/12

Dear Diary,

I don't think I can ever forgive myself for what I did. Going to bed right now.

  The entry he just read was the most intriguing to Gon. He assumed there was only one left, so without hesitation, he turned to Thursday.

Thursday, 9/13

Dear Diary,

You know, it's fine. I guess it was just such a terrible thought at the moment. It's just human nature. Still, it doesn't help that everything will be much more awkward. As much as I hate to say this, it helped me tame my emotions. I can't be ashamed of the things that I dream. I love myself, and it's not a sin. I can't control it. My imagination was taking over, but in the end, the more I come to understand the feeling, the less guilty I think I will feel about it. You know what, I'll see if he wants to hang out this weekend. I will ask him at the end of the day on Friday. I just need to see him outside of school again.

  Gon flipped the page with incredible speed and anticipation, but it was blank. Killua never even got the chance to write down the date. Gon wasn't able to pin-point exactly what Killua did that he felt so guilty about on Wednesday, and Thursday's entry felt like he was reading some extremely difficult code to decipher. Either way, there was one major take away that Gon was trying his best to see. Killua valued him—a lot.

  "So, Killua... really likes me! Cool! He's my best friend too!" Gon exclaimed with excitement throughout his vacant house. He felt incredibly relieved that Killua avoiding him was actually just because he admired him so much he felt nervous to talk to him. Wait. Did I read that correctly?

  Before he even realized it, Killua's fear left him, and he found himself sobbing behind his locked bedroom door. Illumi stripped him of his cell phone and anything else he could have used to personally communicate with the outside world for the time being. He felt alone. He had no possible way of communicating with the one person that could give him his much needed comfort. That one person was currently texting him with newfound knowledge, asking if he wanted to hang out this weekend. But Killua wouldn't see it. He wouldn't even know. Illumi had already gone ahead and blocked the number. Every message was sent in vain.

  He knew these next few days were going to be hell. Not in an exhausting, all work and no play type of deal, but more in an absolute state of boredom. Illumi was going to be here with him both Saturday and Sunday. Anything that Killua was allowed to do, he had no interest in. For Christ's sake, Illumi would interrogate him if he just wanted to leave his room and go to the kitchen. It was almost as if he was waiting for him as soon as his bedroom door moved in the slightest. The worst part about it was Killua's fear. The one thing he didn't want to do was drown in his own head, getting consumed by his own thoughts. Now, that was all he was left with.

  Friday and Saturday had passed in what felt like a century to the Zoldyck. Nonetheless, he was so eager to break through Sunday and actually acquire his own time to himself on Monday. Never in a million years did he feel so excited for Monday.

  In an effort to pass the time, Killua searched his room for anything to write with. Fortunately, he found a black ballpoint pen effortlessly, but now he needed something to write on. After searching for roughly five minutes, he settled for the back of an opened envelope, as it was all he could manage.

  Killua would have laughed at himself for doing this, but he felt entitled at this point. Lacking a second thought, he started writing the lyrics to Taylor Swift's Love Story completely from memory. Ever since that Saturday night, he's been meaning to listen to the song more. He knew it was a comfort song for Gon, and that alone reminded Killua of him, and the comfort Killua received felt as if it were doubled. Gon. That was it. That was all he had left to hold on to.

  While writing, Killua began to think less of the song and more of the boy. Gon served as his lifeline, and no matter what, he couldn't afford to lose him. All Killua wanted to do was show Gon his appreciation. He wanted to show Gon how much he saved him. He wanted to show Gon how much he cared for him. He wanted to show Gon how much he loved him.

  As time passed, Monday came, and Killua would be able to see Gon again. He knew Gon would be curious as to why he got no reply all weekend, and it would be even more awkward as Killua's thought process led him to commit the same mistake on Sunday that he did on Wednesday. But none of that mattered to him now. What mattered now was to make it all up to him.