Blue and Grey [TaeKook ff]

TAEKOOK - JK

"What if I stay that day?"

The moment I left him on that day I felt like my feet is moving away from him but my heart left with him. I saw how devasted he was, I saw the pain in his eyes and I can't stand seeing him like that, that's why I left him which I regretted after. Since that day, I noticed how he changed. Every time I am near, he makes sure he's far from me. Years passed and we drifted apart. We started to dream when we were young, that someday, we will be famous. We reached the peak of our career giving so much gratitude and recognition to our country but it's not the way I picture things out.

It's been seven years..or maybe eight? Actually, I don't know. I already lost counts when we disbanded. We parted or ways as a band seven years ago and it was the toughest decision we have ever made. The hyungs are having the best time of their lives with their own family. Yes, all of them are living peacefully, away from the limelight and cameras. It was also the last time I've seen him. We lost contact with him. I've got the chance to talk to his mom and she mentioned that after we disbanded he decided to pursue art and photography abroad. I'm happy for him. I really am but how can I explain the emptiness I am feeling right now?

I know I have hurt him that day. I caused him so much pain which leads him to left the country. There are a lot of questions running through my head. What if I stay? What if we try? What if at some point in my life I choose to be happy and disregard what others will say?

"Hyung"..

"V hyung"..

I am sitting on the same bench where we seated when we shoot his scenes for our self-produced album. I can feel the unfamiliar feeling I felt that day every time I am here. I usually spend my time in this park alone -- hoping that I will be able to see him again. Even the cold wind that brushes through my hair is like a Deja Vu. Everything is like a replay, the only difference is he's not here anymore with me.

"Please come back, hyung".

I held my camera from my bag. The camera he gave. His birthday present for me. I took a few shots and smiled bitterly. I missed the seven of us. I missed goofing around with them. We meet the six of us once in a while and even if they didn't mention it I know that they know that something happened in the past. Every time we're together they never mention V hyung, maybe, because they know it will affect me. I took another shot until I noticed someone from afar. My heart beats erratically the moment I've seen him. It's him. I know it's him. My eyes can deceive me but not my heart. I know my heart will only beat for him like this.

"H-hyung"..

I run as fast as I can to reach where he at. I don't mind getting exhausted, I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him. I searched for him but I can't find him. I am disappointed with myself if only I run faster. I felt weak and knelt down on the ground. I put my hands on my face when my eyes began to swell.

"I just want to see you"..

"You should have called me. You're running as if zombies were chasing you".

That voice. His baritone voice. I slowly removed my hands from my face when I heard his voice. I saw his mischievous smile. The smile he lost when I hurt him that day.

He froze when I hugged him tightly. I don't want to let this moment end. I waited for this moment to come. I want to explain myself to him. It may be a long-overdue but he deserves to hear my side. I don't know if he will listen but I just want to let him know that I didn't neglect him nor abandoned his love for me. It's just that the timing before isn't right but now, I'm willing to embrace the negative sayings by the people around us in exchange for choosing to STAY with him.

"Hyung, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry if I need to leave you that day". I looked at him when I didn't get any response from him. I couldn't even tell if what are his thoughts. He becomes emotionless and reserved.

"Forget it. I understand why you did that". 

"H-hyung"..

When he looked at me I can surely tell that a lot of things changed. Not only for me, for him, or for us. Do you know the feeling of being lost in a place you're familiar with? It's the same feeling I felt when he looks at me straight in the eyes. I know him since I was fifteen but it seems like I'm talking and facing a different person right now.

"I'm not asking you anything that day. All I'm asking for you is to understand how I feel. I am not asking you to reciprocate the love I have for you because I know that's too selfish to ask. I just want you to STAY with me but you never did. You left me and that's okay. It's okay even if I'm not okay".

"Hyung, I was so afraid that day. We were so big before. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of controversies because I don't want to be a disappointment. I'm sorry".

"I was afraid too, Jungkook. But having you beside me will conquer my fear. That's what you are to me. When you left me in this place I realized that I should not depend on my happiness on anyone. I understand our fate as an idol, I'm contented loving you from afar. I'm not asking nor hoping for something beyond friendship or bandmates. I just want you to STAY with me because you're my happiness".

The words he said are like piercing arrows shot directly through my heart. The scenes from that day are like the waves of memories come crashing into the shore of reality. I may not change the past but now I am ready to face the present and conquer the future with him.

"Hyung, sarang --"

"Yeobo"

"Appa"

His emotion changes to amusement when he saw the woman carrying a child approaching us. His stare never leaves her like she is the only person he noticed. I tried to smile even if I can feel the heavy breathing because of the pain I am feeling especially when I noticed the child's similar facial features to V hyung.

I should be happy for him. He has his own family now.

Too late to have what we never had before.

I started to walk slowly away from him.

"Jeon Jungkook, you left that day because you want me to find my way to the happiness I deserve, and thank you because I found my family. A happiness I can call my own".

"You deserve it, hyung. Saranghae".

I don't know how can I say those words without tearing apart. I continue to walk and forced myself not to turn my back and look at them. It's not easy to see him being happy without me but it's more painful thinking that I was the one who let him find his happiness even if he's my happiness.

Now, who is the one who will let me find my happiness?

If my happiness is already someone's happiness?