Ineffable- A Loki Fanfic

10

Clara was humming something very Taylor Swiftish to herself and staring into the flames, a million miles away when Loki made her jump out of her skin.

"I've been playing a damn CHARACTER!"

"For fucks sake man." Her hand on her chest, Clara stared at him. "What is wrong with you? If you give me a heart attack you'll never be able to find those caves on your own you know."

Loki ignored her, he was stumbling over his words trying to translate his feelings as he went. "My life has never been my own, I was created to be a monster and I .... I liked it. Or maybe I didn't."

"Where the hell did all of this come from Loki? Listen, I know you're tired but .." He cut her off, getting manic now.

"The point is I don't know what I liked, what I would have been or done, who I would have loved if given the opportunity. It was never in my hands, and now..." Loki stared down at his open palms, " Now I.. I I I.. I don't know who I am or what I want because I am not supposed to be... anything anymore." Free will was rather complicated when you always thought you had it, found out you never did, and then were suddenly granted it.

Clara stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt anymore.

"I mean, how ridiculous..." His laugh, forced and defeated, "I don't know who I am because I was always who I was supposed to be. Evil and manipulative, unable to show the love for my family that I felt so surely. Making myself believe they didn't feel those things for me. Playing the villain when I was just lonely, weak and scared." His hands covered his face before running through his hair. "The best part though, the best part? I don't even know if what I am feeling now is what I want to feel or what I am supposed to feel?," OK, so he was spiraling, time to step in..."Is this planet real? Is it truly out of reach from pre-deter...."

"Loki stop." Clara was getting more and more angry at every word spilling out of his mouth. She knew how he felt and at the same time, still didn't have all of her memories from before so she wasn't even entirely sure what she was missing out on. Maybe that was a good thing, but listening to him talk about his family made her feel pretty lousy.

"...mined feelings and actions? Maybe I'm actually just dead and this is my purgatory, trying to ... "

"LOKI! ENOUGH!" Clara spit. She was standing now, and her eyes were hot on his flesh, burning through him, she turned and was gone.

Loki started to get up and go after her but stopped himself, suddenly magnetized by the fire. All of his questions were still swirling around in his head, but her outburst just made everything here feel just a little bit more real. For that, he was thankful and a small smirk fit itself in the corner of his mouth.

"You're so weird." Not Mobius shook his head at him.

*******

Clara came back after a couple of hours, rubbing her knuckles gingerly. Her skin was sticky with sweat and her breath was still slightly haggard.

"At least tell me the other guy looks worse." Loki's snide remark missed its target. She shot him an exasperated look as she sighed and collapsed herself next to him by the fire.

"What about you? Has your existential crisis subsided?" She gave him a look that made him suspect she didn't really give a shit.

"No," He bemused, "Quite the opposite actually, but somehow I do feel more at ease."

Clara threw herself backward, resting her arms behind her head, looking up at the clouds rolling lazily across the night sky. "You're not the only one you know."

"The only one, what?"

"The only one who has no fucking clue how to navigate this world, free will, or even how to untangle their past and make any kind of fucking sense of it." A little more hostile that she intended perhaps, but it did elicit the response she was hoping for.

Loki mimicked her movements and lay down beside her. " I know." His voice was soft and understanding but a ghost of a smile played behind those words.

They lay that way quietly, eventually drifting off to sleep as the fire died down before them.