The Boy Who Made Flowers Sing

37 | Phase 2

"Everything was going well until Kennedy's accident," Elena said to Jennette. "I found that the support group was really helping. And then Kennedy just reminded me of Melissa and my dad and my past, and it was like I had to start all over again."

Jennette nodded. Elena stared at the white clock on the wall, hoping the session would end soon for the first time. Maybe it was because she felt extremely guilty for what she had done and what she was about to admit. Her hands were gross and clammy with sweat.

"Did you start taking any drugs?" Jennette asked.

There it was: the dreaded question.

Elena guiltily nodded and turned a shade redder. "I did...Every day this week."

Jennette nodded and looked at her compassionately. "Do you think Melissa would have wanted you to take that pill last night?"

Elena shook her head and hung it low in regret.

"I know you felt like you had to," Jennette said comfortingly. " Because of the immense pain."

Elena didn't say anything. It was true that she was still hurting.

"I'm proud that you were clean for a long time. I wasn't surprised that you could do it."

Elena gave her a small smile as her hazel eyes welled up with tears.

"A lot of drug abusers relapse," The therapist stated.

Elena nodded again, looking down and trying to fight her tears.

Dr. Jennette leaned back in her chair and looked at Elena. "I think I know what the problem is."

Elena looked up at her and frowned.

"I know you might not like hearing this, but you can't be around people who keep sucking you back into the loop. And this other friend you told me about. If she has overdosed, and still continues to become intoxicated, what makes you think she won't do it again? And how will that affect you? I would recommend, Elena, to stay away from people who are going to break your heart even more. You don't need any more pain in your life."

Elena wanted to counter her argument and say her friends were the best people on this planet but that was far from the truth. And what Jennette was saying was completely true. She was being stupid by going back to them over and over but Elena knew why she did. It was because her friends were her suppliers, the source of her addiction and guilty pleasure. And when everyone was high, it didn't matter what anyone did or said. Ironically, they were a safe place for her.

"And before you object," Jennette continued, reading Elena's mind. "It's not selfish. It's called looking out for yourself. I know you want to help her, but you need to help yourself first. You need to save yourself first."

Elena slowly nodded. But how could she desert Kennedy? Even though Kennedy sometimes treated her badly, Elena was convinced it was because of her circumstances. If Elena left her now, what would she become? What would happen to her?

She wasn't there for Melissa and she ended up dead. If she left Kennedy, would the same thing happen to her?

"Elena," Jennette said, taking her glasses off. "I can only help you if you want to be helped. Do you want help?"

Elena suddenly found herself trembling and her lower lip quivered thinking about both of her friends lying in coffins.

"Elena?" Jennette said, looking worried. "Are you having a flashback again?"

"I don't know," Elena muttered. "I thought I figured it out."

"I want to make you a person you admire and love," Jennette reassured her. "I'm here for you. I just need to know if you want to start living differently."

"I'm not sure," Elena swallowed the lump in her throat. "It's just not fair."

"Could you explain what you mean by that?"

"Why am I always the bad guy?" Elena croaked without her voice breaking.

"It's always my fault," She whispered.

"What's your fault?" Jennette asked.

She exploded. "Melissa's death, my father's death, my mom's declining health, my drug use-"

"No. No, stop Elena," Jennette said softly. "Who's blaming you for all this?"

"I am!" She cried out, louder than she imagined it would be, but kept going. "If I had been with Melissa that night, she wouldn't be dead right now. If I had been a better daughter, my father wouldn't have died of cancer. If I had any respect in that hospital room alone all those days, I wouldn't have tried those pills!"

Elena looked angrily at her therapist, heaving her chest up and down.

"I'm a goner," She muttered sadly.

Jennette's concerned eyes watched Elena crumple on the couch.

"I thought," Elena's breathing became shallow. "I thought this trip would change me. I thought I would be a different person. But, I'm still the same! The same loathsome person!"

"Elena," Jennette said so softly and soothingly and yet, confidently. "You can't blame yourself. The past does not define you."

Elena took a deep breath and realized she was standing up. Her legs were shaking and her hands were sweaty.

"Sorry," Elena sighed, sitting back down. "I don't know what came over me."

Jennette handed her the tissue box.

"It's okay. You have to express your emotions. You can't keep everything bottled inside. And you have changed, Elena! You just don't see it. Change is not always upwards. It's a rollercoaster - ups and downs and so many loops. Just know that when you're at the bottom, you will be at the top again too."

You're not starting over," Jennette said. "First, we confronted your past and you slipped in and out of guilt even though you have nothing to be ashamed of. There will always be triggers around you that will remind you of the past. And unlike a place you go to for the first time and then forget later on, traumatic experiences don't fade with time. They will always be there to remind you. They will be crystal clear images sometimes."

Elena nodded.

"You said group therapy is helping you. And that's good; keep at it. And in our individual sessions, we're going to work on your goals. We're going to focus on your dreams and aspirations. 10 years down the road, where do you see yourself? That's important."

"Phase two is all about creating a future. We're going to erase the horror of the past with the future. Are you on board?"

"What about my relapse?"

"That's what we're going to tackle. Goals help us create our purpose. And purpose helps us extinguish our addictions."

Elena frowned but nodded. How could a person like her ever have goals, though?

"Phase two is my favorite," Jennette smiled at her.

"How are you feeling now?"

Elena lied and forced a smile. "Much better. Thank you."

"So, we'll start next week."

Elena quickly got up and reached for the brass door handle to leave.

"Thank you for being so cooperative, Elena," Jennette stopped her. "You're one of the strongest people I know. And you're only going to get stronger from here."