The Boy Who Made Flowers Sing

12 | Monster

If there was one thing Elena could not escape, it was her panic attacks. They came without a warning, were uninvited, and created a burst of fear that shook her entire body from head to toe.

She tried to control her hand that shook uncontrollably beside her. It was always her left hand that shook and she didn't know why. Her heart began to race and her head started hurting. 

Oh no, Elena thought. 

Her heart was beating out of her chest. It felt as if she would die underneath the weight of the world.

She stopped walking and tried to breathe but there was no oxygen in the air. She gasped and swallowed dry air as the island seemed to cave in on her.

Dr. Jennette had told her to count backward and breathe as deeply as possible through her nose, so she did. 

Five, She breathed in and out. 

She rested her hands on her knees but when her legs began to buckle underneath, she sat herself down on the dirt pathway. 

Four. 

Elena tried to calm her breathing by thinking of something else. She suddenly thought of Melissa.

Three. 

She thought of how Melissa would always remind Elena to calm down and hand her a Xanax pill when she went through a panic attack. After she passed away, Elena didn't know how to deal with her episodes anymore. 

Two, Her breath became steadier.

She remembered how she stumbled into Dr. Jennette's office one day like a maniac.

In fact, she remembered that day distinctly: she had hurried into Jennette's room who was with a different patient at that time and Elena didn't even acknowledge Vivian at the front desk who shouted after her. She had bolted down the hallway and stood at the doorway of Jennette's office, her face was sweating and stained with her tears, her hands were clammy, and it felt like the walls were closing in on her. Dr. Jennette had heard the ruckus and opened the door. Jennette and the patient, who was a young boy, stared back at her horrific image with concerned eyes. Jennette had calmly escorted her out and sat her in the other room while Elena sat on the couch, her arms shaking and her mind scattered. The young boy had peered at her from the ajar door, his eyes still beyond terrified. At that moment, Elena figured that she was a monster. Elena shuddered thinking about that time. 

She closed her eyes.

One, She took one last deep breath.

She looked down at her left hand which had finally stopped shaking.

Diego, who was behind, caught up to her when he saw that she had sat down. 

"Elena," His gruff voice asked when he kneeled beside her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. Margaret turned around and jogged back up to her, frowning in worry.

"I'm just a little dizzy," She said to both of them. "I'll catch up with you, Margaret."

The woman slowly nodded and jogged back to the group. Diego immediately grabbed her water bottle from her backpack and unscrewed the lid.

"Here," He said, handing it to her.

Elena extended her right hand which was also trembling surprisingly. She held onto the bottle tightly and brought it close to her mouth. She took a long sip and handed the bottle back to him. Diego watched her quivering hands that she quickly shoved back into the sleeves of her windbreaker. 

She knew Diego wouldn't leave until he knew she was okay so she reached into her backpack and took her pills out. She glanced at the man. She made sure to cover the label with her thumb so that he couldn't see what it was that she was taking.

"Ibuprofen," She said, lying to Diego as she took out a pill and swallowed. She felt the need to justify what it was. "I have a headache."

He nodded while he watched her dry swallow the medicine. She calmed down in a couple of minutes and slowly stood up with Diego supporting her elbows.

"You good?" He asked. "We can always stop for a while."

"No," She said, faintly smiling at him. "I guess I was just a little dehydrated, but now I'm good."

"You sure you're okay, senorita?" Diego asked, still concerned by her condition. "I don't want no one passing out on me."

"I'm okay," Elena quickly laughed. "Better than okay."

Diego tried to peer through her tinted sunglasses to get any hint of her situation. 

"Okay," He finally said, crossing his bulky arms.

When Elena came back, Andreas knew something was up with her. But, he also realized it was none of his business. 

The rest of the way, Andreas talked to Margaret, trying to see whether she knew anything about Elena. But, Margaret, like a good friend, didn't disclose any information about her to him. He would have to find out for himself. 

He watched Elena from time to time. She was clenching and unclenching her fists beside her as she walked as if she was nervous. Elena was grateful Andreas hadn't asked too much, but he was too curious. Elena admired him and wanted his respect so she had to be careful. She was worried about her panic attacks. She had taken her medication to keep them at bay but clearly, the new environment was putting her mind on edge. 

She wanted to be home. Though she loved the Isla de Flos and she was here for her father, a part of her wanted to leave. She could end up harming herself or someone because of herself as she had done so in the past. Her mother and sister always walked on eggshells around her.

She had to keep her distance from everyone.