𝐵𝑇𝑆 𝑆𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑠 / REQUESTS OPEN

𝐽𝑖𝑛 - self harm 🧷🩹

⚠️ MASSIVE TW!
self harm, panic attacks, blood, depression, suicidal thoughts, BPD
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Pls don't read If u aren't comfortable with this topic! I don't want to trigger anyone, stay safe <3

Requested by littlemeowmeow_217

Sickie/Hurt: Jin
Caregiver: Yoongi

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Jin pov
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To me it had always felt like i had a voice in my head. And a feeling that overcomes me sometimes. It's so strong, that I couldn't do anything against it.
I feel anxious without any reason.. or sometimes I want to give everything up and run away.
It all started a few years after my debut in bangtan.
I had no idea what this decision, to join bangtan, would mean for my life, but to be honest, I have no regrets because these guys are my life, even if it is hard to be a part of bts sometimes, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else where these boys aren't..

But this voice has always been by my side throughout my career. Sometimes I didn't even notice. I just felt down sometimes. And seeing Yoongi who struggled a lot with his depression made me think.. what was the meaning oft life? What was my job? Was i good enough.. is it enough?  did I make the right decision? What would happen I just disappeared?

That was the time where I first started to cut. I felt so relieved that the voice disappeared for that short period of time and the pain distracted me..
I was smart enough not to do it where everyone could see it, so I did it on my thighs, hidden from everyone. I didn't think that there was anything wrong with me.. I was just stressed.

No one new about my secret, until I did it again in 2017, this time Yoongi caught me and we had a long conversation about depression and self harm.. It helped me and I felt comfortable to talk about my thoughts around him. Yoongi promised to be there whenever the voice returned.

They did..

These days I felt different, the voice was back but this time so much louder, I just wanted to hide in my bed and scream in my pillow! We were preparing for a comeback right now and we all were really tired and stressed, I couldn't talk to Yoongi about the voice being back, because he was always in his studio until 3am.. I shouldn't worry him. That would stress him even more..
I was the oldest, my job was to be there for the other members, not the other way around.

This time I new that there's something wrong with me, to think about jumping of a building wasn't normal.. but the voice was louder than my mind and told me otherwise.

I sat on my bed and stared at the wall, it was 5am and I just couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried, the voice was just too loud.  I felt like a stone, too heavy to move and too cold to feel. I just wanted to disappear, was that too much to ask? Sometimes the voice was way to loud and other times I felt really empty. What did I do wrong to feel like this?

- cut cut cut cut cut, it will help you, you will feel alive I promise..

,,I don't want to" 

- Do it

,,please.. please leave.."

My breath became heavy and I started to sweat. I had no choice..
I dragged myself towards the bathroom and made sure to lock the door. ,,When will this end?" I asked myself. I was close to tears. I didn't want to do this.. It was the third time in 24 hours, The bandages were streaked with blood, as soon as I removed them the wounds started bleeding again. My thighs were covered with many red scars, old ones and new ones. They looked awful and made me feel sick.