𝐵𝑇𝑆 𝑆𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑠 / REQUESTS OPEN

𝑇𝑎𝑒ℎ𝑦𝑢𝑛𝑔 - anorexia 🧷

Requested by
bts_armylove_xoxo

⚠️ eating disorder, Bad thoughts, throwing up, starving

Sickie: Taehyung
Caregiver: OT6 (mainly Jimin)
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Fat.
What was even the meaning of fat?
Why did people call him fat? Wasn't he skinny?
His grandmother had alsways told him to eat more, that he was too skinny.
Fans said that he was chubby, getting fat.
But why?
Wasn't it his own body after all? Shouldn't he decide what to do with it?

Guess not.

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Taehyung pov
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Waking up had become a thing I didn't particularly like. Getting up wasn't really the problem though.. however, It's the problem that others were constantly watching me, and worse, that I had to see myself in the mirror every day.

Why was it like that?

As an idol, one of the top priorities was your body. That you pay attention to your weight. The constant "you have to lose or gain weight" annoyed me. Why was it so bad to weigh a kilo too much or too little? Did that affect my performance?
Of course I knew what I was getting into when I had signed the contract, but ... lately it seemed to bother me more and more when others commented on my weight.
Staff, friends, managers and especially the fans have been doing this more and more recently.
Hate wasn't uncommon in our branch, but I had the feeling that I was getting more hate then the others.. everytime I looked on Twitter or Weverse, the comments seemed bad. They weren't really hate all the time. It was just the way they talked about me. Commenting about how much I gained weight, how funny my new haircut looked and the mistakes of my last performance..
Of course there was also pure hate.

,he looks fat lol.'

,I'm sure Taehyung has been eating a lot, like a pig, oink oink!'

,I thought Idols were supposed to be skinny and pretty?!'

,Why is he getting so fat? That doesn't suit the group.'

,fat ass'

Was i too fat?

Thoughts appeared in my head, voices, telling me things that I never experienced before. It was scary, but maybe necessary..?
I wanted to look pretty for army. I wanted them to like me!
...

I had to change something.
The thought had settled in my head.. I had always struggled a lot with my weight. It was hard for me to gain and loose weight. Because of that, I had spent the night writing a diet and training plan, which of course I didn't discuss with my personal trainer. He would just stop me.

I cut myself off. Tried to avoid distraction as much as possible. I exercised a lot and snuck away from my members so I wouldn't had to eat with them.
My first plan had been to eat only one meal a day, but after two weeks of training I felt like I was only getting fatter..

-

After two weeks of everyday exercises, and only one meal, I went to the bathroom to check my weight, like everyday.. the scale told me that I lost 4kg..
Only 4 kg?
That couldn't be.
I looked into the mirror, seeing a fat guy with chubby cheeks and fat thighs. ,,What did I do wrong?"

Then an idea occurred to me. The voice in my head got louder.. taking over control. I could just throw up after eating. That way I would lose weight faster and others would admire me. I would also exercise more!

That's what I did. The first time, I had thrown up, had been really scared. But it quickly became a habit that I couldn't stop. The feeling of emptiness became something, that I liked. I felt free, in control of myself. What I didn't realize though, was that I wasn't in control at all, I was slowly losing all of it.
I lost weight faster, but I couldn't see any progress when I looked in the mirror.. It wasn't enough.