Never Tell Secrets (18+)

Ch 5 - You Hold All The Cards

ATTENTION RADISH READERS! Please don't leave any spoilers in here or you'll be getting a spanking from Alfie. Or Elliot. Or Keira. Whoever you'd prefer. 😘

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"Riley can go suck a dick." Keira folded her arms, her mouth moulded into a perfect pout. She'd been ecstatic about my new project, but pissed as hell about my agreeing to go anywhere with Riley. I didn't blame her. "I'm not joking. Over my drop dead gorgeous body will you ever be getting back together with Alfie Tell." I winced and Keira pointed a finger at me. "See! You can't even hear his name without looking like someone just shoved a giant turd under your nose."

"Thanks for the imagery."

"Anytime." She turned her attention back to her work, studying it intensely. In the corner of our sitting room, Keira had a small workspace set up next to the window. A table, sewing machine, mannequin, and a hamper full of fabrics, pins, and a whole bunch of other stuff I couldn't name. Tonight she was refitting a costume for My Fair Lady because the lead had lost weight. I slumped back into our worn out couch and listened to the gentle shhhh and thwick as her fabric scissors glided through the material. 

Concern for Natalie weighed heavy in my mind. By the time I'd gotten back after my visit to Rosies', Riley had gone, Natalie didn't want to talk and I had to get the train back to London. I was itching to call her but I knew she needed space. 

"So, what do you want to do about Mr Moneybags?" Keira asked as she worked.

"I want to run fast and far," I muttered as I stared up at the ceiling.

"To him or from him?"

"Both. Always both." I wrapped my arms around myself, cold. I was always slightly chilly these days, as if my body was weaker without him, vulnerable. "I hate him so much," I whispered but Keira said nothing, giving me peace and time to find my thoughts. "But seeing Harrington like that, our Evergarden...he's hurting, Keira, and I don't want him to be hurting like that."

"Even after what he did to you?"

"He did what he did because he was so broken in the first place. What does him being in pain now get me?" I turned my options over, trying to pick the right one. I could pretend I'd never seen what he'd done to our Evergarden, I could forget Riley's words, his warnings about Alfie's health. Or I could meet Alfie. I could look him in the eye and forgive him, freeing him from his guilt. The hurt part of me didn't want to free him, she wanted to hold on forever and ever, but that wasn't fair, or healthy. "He's suffered enough."

"Has it occurred to you that this could be more manipulation? He could have sent Riley as a ploy to guilt you into seeing him." She straightened the fabric over the pattern and set about pinning the two together. Of course the possibility had occurred to me, but it didn't make any sense.

"It's not Alfie's style. He always hated me seeing his vulnerability and he certainly wouldn't involve Riley in his manipulation. He values his good opinion too much. If he wanted me back he would come here and do it himself." The way he had always done before. I'd lost count of the times he'd turned up and taken over. Storming into my kitchen with such a fury I dropped my wine glass. Turning up at my work and getting me off in the car park just to prove the power he had over my body. I felt everything clench south. Would I ever be free of him?

"Lola!" I started and turned to see Keira staring at me.

"What?"

"I asked you if you really thought you could see him again without falling back into old habits, but I guess your silence answers that question. You were with him again weren't you? In your mind?" With a huff she picked up her scissors and continued hacking at the fabric. "I swear you think I'm blind, that I don't notice how often you get that glassy-eyed look and you disappear into your memories. How can you expect to move on if you don't let him go?" She shook her head. "I don't understand you. He tried to force a pregnancy on you. He killed a person for god's sake! How can you even be thinking about this?"