Never Tell Secrets (18+)

Ch 15 - I Can't Be Forgiven

ATTENTION RADISH READERS! Please don't leave any spoilers in here or you'll be getting a spanking from Alfie. Or Elliot. Or Keira. Whoever you'd prefer. 😘

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The hallway was obnoxiously bright compared to the dark of the office. I leaned against the door, catching my breath. My head was spinning. Alfie was responsible for the deaths of two people. His own family members. I couldn't make sense of it and trying right now seemed stupid. This was going to take time. A lot of time.

His pain called out to be like sonar, waves of it vibrating over my skin. I could feel how much he needed me but I couldn't go back there. This is why I'd agreed to that first meeting. Closure. Like a chest falling shut, I finally felt the peace I'd craved all this time. The shrapnel wasn't gone, but finally I had answers.

I understood Alfie now. Everything made sense. The manipulation, the lies, Angie, stealing my birth control, the possessiveness, his fear around my drinking...all of it. I felt cleansed. I was finally free of the 'what if this was my fault? What if I'd done something different?' Because now I knew the truth. It didn't matter what I'd done, the damage had already happened and it was nothing to do with me.

Forcing myself away from the door, I retraced our steps until I came to the staircase leading down to the foyer, all the while trying to ignore the deep ache in my chest. This is what I'd needed all this time...so why did I feel so wrong? Leaving was the right thing to do. I deserved to be free of this but Alfie...what did he deserve?

"Miss? Are you ready to go?" My head snapped up, Elliot was eyeing me from the bottom of the stairs. I paused - was I ready? Lifting my chin I forced myself forward.

"Yes, let's go." I walked down the stairs, he met me at the bottom, his cool gaze intent on mine.

"Are you sure?" he asked, I gave him a gentle smile. I was so tired. Dancing and drinking with Keira felt like a lifetime ago.

"I can't stay, Elliot," I said. He frowned but said nothing. "Do you know what he told me tonight?"

"Yes, I put two and two together. Which is why I'm surprised you're leaving..." his words trailed off for a moment before he cleared his expression, "...but that's not my place to judge. You know what's best." He turned, heading for the door but I stopped him.

"What were you expecting? That knowing this would throw me back into his arms?"

"No," he said, his tone gentle. He wasn't angry with me but the worry for Alfie was etched in his face. "I thought you might help him let it go."

My chest ached, guilt gnawing at me. I pushed it away. I'd let my saviour complex get the better of me before, I wouldn't do it again.

"That's not my job, Elliot. He isn't my-"

"-Your responsibility?" he cut me off, surprising me. "He wasn't mine either, I still took care of him."

I stared at him, shocked. "He didn't damage you like he did me."

"I know. I'm sorry." He drew back, taking a breath. He rubbed a hand over his jaw, a human gesture out of place on this person who had always seemed more machine than man. "I know what he did to you and why you don't trust him, but he's just a person, Miss. A person that needs help and you can help him, so why wouldn't you?"

Why wouldn't I? I didn't have an answer to that. It wasn't that simple. Alfie had done so much damage to me. I had no reason to go up there...other than he was in pain and I could heal that. He didn't intimidate me like he did others, couldn't fool me like he did others. Healing him would be a massive risk to me and all the progress I'd made to move on but...