The Walking Dead: What Rests Ahead

Chapter 20:

The moonlight illuminated the damp grass and the shadows of limp branches etched strange patterns on the ground. As I peered down at them, they looked like snakes slithering on the forest floor. My feet were a blur beneath me, the universe flying by too fast for my eyes to catch.  I hadn't gotten used to the silence of the forest, the lack of birds' songs or the howls of wolves. The end of the world isn't just for humans. I mean, many animals met their deaths in the apocalypse too. No one is there to protect them or feed them. The undead were just another predator to them, but a strong one. Walkers fed on animals just as they fed on us humans. It just hadn't crossed my mind yet. A weird thought popped into my head...I wondered if my dog, Buddy, was still alive. Probably not. A twinge of sadness resonated in my stomach, but I shrugged it off. I couldn't have saved him. He would've slowed me down. Plus, there was no possible way I could've gotten in my house in the first place. Not after my parents.... Nevermind that. The past is in the past, no need to worry about what might have been. I can't change what had already happened. This was just one more reason why the world would never be like it was before. At least if I died now, I wouldn't die alone and I'd know what was happening. Other animals don't have that privilege.

After we crawled from the hole in the church, we ran. It may have been cowardly and I'm sure that the people in the church needed help, but we had the baby to care for. Our first priority was her, anything else came second. Besides, how would us staying help anything? We weren't heavily armed, my axe hardly counted towards anything and Carl had passed the gun to Michonne as he left. We had a few knives, but they were dulled from too many close encounters.

If we stayed, we would be killed. It was just logical to keep going towards safety. But why was I so guilty?

After five minutes of running in silence, Judith pulled close to my chest, I halted. My breath came in short puffs. I had been asthmatic before and I never fully shook the feeling of not having enough air in my lungs. "Carl, stop."

The boy had been a few steps ahead of me and slowed. Turning back around, he raised his eyebrows and held out his arms in wonderment. "What are you doing?" he asked. "We need to leave now!"

"I'm not sure this is right," I replied, half of me wanting to keep running and the other half rooted to my place.

"What are you talking about? We are running away from the mass of people who want to kill us," he protested, walking towards me and taking Judith out of my arms.

"And leaving behind our people in the process!" I exclaimed, sitting down on a fallen log. He followed, plopping down directly beside me.

"Look, we don't know where my dad is right now. And if we had stayed at the church..." He trailed off, his gaze slightly misty and far away looking. Then, he shook his head abruptly. "Our goal is to get her-" he motioned to Judith, "-far away from that church. And fast."

I desperately said, "But we can't just abandon them!"

Suddenly, his gaze was cold, his brown hair a ruffled mess and his face pale in the light of the stars. I could see him actually bite his chapped lips to keep from saying something wrong, but he let something slip anyways. "Why do you even care?" He sharply questioned.

I was lost for words. Why did I care? Jesus, I had just met these people not that long ago. I bet the only reason they let me leave is that I could fit through the hole. If I hadn't, I doubt they would even care. That's not true, I thought silently. You saw the way they looked at you. They were starting to accept you for who you are...But they're probably dead as we spoke. They were doomed there, so I should be relieved to escape. Let them die. Who cares? Tough luck.

But deep down inside, I knew it wasn't true. Why, though? I had no clue. Why would I risk my life for people who wouldn't do the same for me?

Finally, I just whispered, "Because I do." Then, I added more confidently, "It's just the right thing to do here and I want to do it."

Carl gripped Judith tighter. "No."

"No?" I bemused.

"No. We are not going back. That's final." He pried himself off the log and began walking away abruptly.

"So you're just going to let your friends-you're family- die in there when we could possibly help them?!" I yelled at him, the outrage in my voice reflecting the anger I felt. "How could you leave everyone you love? What's wrong with you?!"

"What's wrong with me?" He turned on his heels and yelled back, his face red with anger. "What's wrong with you?! You just met us, you don't even BELONG with us! We don't CARE about you, so trying to get yourself killed over us is stupid. My family is right here. Judith. My dad. We can find him right now. I don't care if you follow me or not, but I'm leaving. I have people to care for." He finished, his voice shrinking to a whisper. "So I'm not going back. And you will not make me."

And with that, he started to walk again, his silhouette wiping away the snake shaped shadows I had once been in awe of. In the following seconds, I had to decide what to do. Should I run back to the church? Should I follow Carl in his hunt to find Rick? Or should I just say screw you to everyone and just go my own? There were pros and cons for each. I mean, if I went back to the church I may be able to save the others. Then again, I may not be able to save myself.

If I followed Carl, I may never see the people at the church ever again, but at least I'd be with Carl. And I really did want to protect Judith. Carl's words stung, though, and I felt a burn in the back of my throat like I wanted to puke. Hannah, get it together. It's just a stupid little boy. I thought, wanting to smack myself in the face. Yeah, but he's a CUTE stupid little boy. Another part of me protested. My God, I need to stop thinking like this. Maybe it would be a good thing to get away from Carl. Because I can't think straight around him.

No. I'm just going to leave him and everyone else. They don't need me? Fine. I didn't need them. Who cared what they thought about me?

I don't need them. I thought.

But I still want to be with them. I want a family again. I still want to be a kid and have the world back to normal and go to school and eat pizza with my friends. And that will never happen again. But this? This is a chance. To be with other people. It's not much but...it's something. And that matters.

It was then that I remembered that I didn't want to die alone and never be remembered. I wanted my inevitable death to mean something to someone. And maybe, just maybe, these people were that someone.

Carl needed me. He may not admit it out loud, but he did. He didn't have the slightest clue on how to find his father and that meant he'd have to care for the baby. I knew that he didn't know how to feed her properly or how to raise her if he were left alone. He needed me to help him. What seemed like a million years ago, I had cared for my kid sister while my parents were at work. I knew the drill. This would just be slightly different...what with the apocalypse and all. His words may have hurt but he didn't mean them because he did need me.

His dad is gone. He just had to abandon his group, his family. All that screaming isn't at me...it's at the situation.

Then, another thought occurred to me.

He's scared. He's just scared.

With that in my mind, I followed Carl further into the woods.