Would You Be Mine Again

~Eighteen~

I was thinking of meeting up with Rowan. But I was scared I was going to break down in front of him. That was the last thing I ever wanted to happen right now. I wanted to see him. Fuck,I was missing him,no doubt. My love for Steve was not nothing compared to how much I love Rowan. I wanted him to be my first everything. But he fucked everything up. He fucked me up. He fucked us up. This wasn't as easy as I expected. I dialed his number to call him but I was scared to do it. I didn't want him to know the pain I was going through. I've lost him. Thoughts of him flood my mind now,I can't stop thinking of him. I bursted out in tears.
He hasn't even called me,I'm I that easy to forget?. If he has moved on with someone else then he certainly didn't feel anything for me right from the beginning. I'm I so easy to be erased from his mind and heart?. I cried bitterly.

After so much sobbing and crying,I called him. He picked up immediately,
"Nelly" he called my name. I missed his voice.
"Rowan". I replied in a very sad tone and I guess it was obvious from the way I sounded.
"Baby,are you okay?. Do you want me to come home?".He still cared for me.
"No,I mean don't worry,I'm fine. I wanted to just tell you that we should end whatever it is we have now. I need a break. I mean a break, meaning we'll never be together again. I'm ending the relationship". I tried to stop the tears from falling. He was silent.
"Is that what you really want. Babe we can still work things out,I'll change,I promise. I can't leave you,you are my world,please Nelly". I could sense the pain in his voice. I was crying now.
"No Rowan. I'm not good enough for you. I can't satisfy you. There's nothing to work out here,I've made my decisions. I'll still be your friend,that's if you'll consider me one".
"I'll still be your friend Nelly. Bye".
We ended the call and that was the end. We've broken up. I cried till I was tired. It's time to move on with Steve now. And start a new relationship life.

                                ~~~
I'm in a relationship with Steve now,it's been a month. He's trying to be the perfect boyfriend. I'm beginning to love him. And anyways, I'm friend's with Rowan now. Normal friends. We haven't talked about our love lives since we broke up,and it's good for me. I'm healed from the heart break. Steve did a good job. He made me forget I ever loved Rowan. I thought it was going to be impossible.
Steve was an overprotective and jealous boyfriend. He didn't let me even hang out or talk to Rowan's friend. Infact he didn't want me communicating with Rowan. And it was beginning to piss me off. He had no right to choose my friends for me. But in order to maintain my relationship with him I had to stop spending too much time with Rowan's friends. I didn't want other matters affecting my relationship. Ever since my break up with Rowan,I tried my best to make Steve happy.
Steve and I has been getting along real good. It's been a month and two weeks now,and Steve has been trying to have sex with me whenever we meet. I wasn't ready to have sex with him. I just didn't feel like. He was my boyfriend but I didn't want to have sex with him. It got to the extent we had so many issues,he threatened to cheat on me with other girls if I refuse to have sex. But it's fine,I've been broken before now,I'll face it. Truth be told I was scared of loosing him again but I had to stand up for myself and show him I'm not a cheap girlfriend whom he can toss around.

Drena knew about how my relationship with Steve has been going lately. It's been from one problem to another. I'm I that bad?. Do I really suck at being in a relationship?. I wasn't able to satisfy Rowan too and now Steve. So many nights after my fight with Steve I'll cry myself to sleep. It was a toxic relationship.
I had to see Drena today,I need her more than anything right now. I called her and she told me to come sleep over at her house. I got myself ready,arranged my own house and left for Drena's place.
"I really need a break from relationship now. I thought Steve was good enough for me. He pressures me to have sex with me when I'm not ready. It's breaks me more whenever he threatens to cheat on me or break up with me,and you know I can't stand another Break up". I told my best friend in tears.
"You don't have to cry,he's not all you got remember. Don't let him make decisions for you that you'll regret. Decide on it yourself. If he eventually breaks up with you then it's for the better". She told me trying to make me feel better. I didn't want him making decisions for me. I had my own decisions to make.
"Babe,you know I prefer Rowan right now to Steve". Drena said, shrugging her shoulders.
"Why? How?".
"Rowan knows you weren't ready for it and there was no stress,but Steve keeps pressuring you into it. It's better if he gets it from some other hoe". Drena was now telling me this,she advised me to try Steve. Nobody knew he'll turn out this way though.
We just talked about other things and slept off.

~•~•~

Rowan and I turned out to be good friends now. We hanged out together. Called each other and it was no longer awkward. Trust me,no strings attached. I felt like things were going well, except from my issues with my boyfriend, Steve. Rowan wasn't aware of my relationship with him. I chose to remain silent about it.
It was on a Saturday night,Rowan asked me to come out for a drink. Steve wasn't aware I was hanging out with my supposed ex boyfriend. It was nothing to me,but Steve would get angry if he should find out about it,so I didn't mention it to him.

I decided to be casual,it was just a drink anyway. I was dressed in my blue jean and a black wolly top and a pair of sandals. While Rowan wore a white T and black jean,with a pair of sneakers. It was like he spent his money on shoes, sneakers to be precised. It wasn't a date so I had no make up on. Rowan picked me up from my house and we drove to a bar. I sang and danced while Rowan watched me and would always laugh. The atmosphere was cool,there was no tension. We got to the bar. He led me to our table. It wasn't a classy bar,but it was good enough.
We sat there waiting for a waiter to take our order. A young boy whom I assumed to be the waiter walked to us.
"What would you like to order ma'am?". The young boy asked me with a smile spread across his face.
"Just get me double shots of vodka". I said.
"Nelly,I don't want you getting wasted. You know how annoying you can be when you get drunk". Rowan told me. Off course he knew how bad its get when I'm drunk.
"I won't get drunk, relax".
"If you say so Nelly". He said while making  his own order.
Right now I really wish I had listened to him. I was taking my fifth order of double shots of vodka. I wasn't aware of whatever was happening.