Saving Us || l.h

N I N E

Luke came halfway through the week, finding me burrito bundled on the couch with Lukas watching Christmas movies. "I have ice cream." He announces, setting it on the counter. He scoops up three bowls, handing one to each of us and sitting beside me. 

"How are you doing?" He asks me, pulling me into his side. "Better than I expected. I've only cried two days, now I'm binge watching Christmas movies." "That's good." He smiles. "When's the funeral?" "Day after tomorrow, the 29th." I say, setting my empty bowl on the coffee table.

He nods sadly. "How was your Christmas?" "Fine." I shrug. I laid my head on his chest, listening to his beating heart. It comforted me to a degree, his arms wrapped around me tightly.

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The casket lowered, Luke had his hand in my hand, squeezing it gently. I watched Blake go up to put a scoop of dirt in, then Austin, then Lukas, then I was handed the shovel. Luke let go of my hand, letting me go dump a scoop of dirt on my dad. I dug the shovel in the pile of dirt, then pulled it out, raising it over the hole. I turned my wrist to dump it, feeling a lump forming in my throat.

I took a step back, handing the shovel to Blake again, stepping back beside Luke. He kissed my temple, his arm slung around my shoulders. It was silent , everyone slowly leaving. I just stood here with Luke, not moving. He stayed silent beside me, letting me take in what had happened. I saw out of the corner of my eye my brothers leaving, getting in a waiting car. Luke stepped back, letting me be alone as I said my final goodbye.

"Hi daddy." I whisper. "I haven't called you that in such a long time." I sniff, wiping under my eyes. "I miss you so much, it all happened so fast. I never thought I'd be saying goodbye this early." I let out something between a laugh and a sob, covering my mouth. "I love you so much, I never told you that enough. You're the best dad a girl could ask for, you made my childhood so amazing. I wish you were still here, I wish it so bad, but I can't get everything I want I guess. Ryan's brother is so sorry, I actually caught up with Ryan earlier this week. I never told you, but you were right about him, he wasn't good for me, I just was too in love with the idea of dating and everything it comes with to actually see what he was. I wish you could have seen me on my wedding day, now I'm regretting saying to wait until after Luke and my tours. Then you might have been able to see me in a wedding dress."

I take a deep breath, wiping under my eyes again. "God, I miss you so much, I don't want you to be gone yet. I want you to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright, like what you did after anyone in the family died. I want you to have been able to see my firstborn child and any I have after. I just wanted you to see me grow up, not just from a kid into an adult, but an adult into a mom. Thank you for everything you've done for me, I love you and miss you." I placed the rose on the headstone, taking a step back.

I stared at it for a moment longer, then turned and walked to the car where Luke was waiting. He wrapped me in a hug, kissing my forehead. "Do we have to go to the luncheon? Everyone's just going to say they are sorry for my loss and I don't want to hear it." I mumble into his chest. "Yeah, we can do whatever."

We finally got in the waiting car, letting him drive around for a little bit. "Can you drop us off at the nearest tattoo parlor?" I finally ask, lifting my head from Luke's shoulder. The driver takes a left, driving for a while. "What are you getting?" "'Daddy' with a heart on my hand." He smiles, pulling me into him. "That sounds beautiful." I kiss his cheek, his three day scruff noticeable.

We finally arrive at the parlor, walking in. I fill out all the paperwork, showing my ID. He gets to work, Luke frowning every time I wince. The man finishes, my hand tingling from all the pricks I just got. I take a look, smiling. "Thank you." I say, walking out with Luke. He holds my other hand, examining my new tattoo. "I like it." He finally says. "Thank you."