In your arms

Chapter 9: endless circle of life

Riley's POV:

I run into my childhood bedroom and launch myself onto the bed. I cry out my frustration as my face buries itself into the clean white pillow. This whole situation is so crazy and I just want to hide away and curl up inside a room by myself, if only I could, but I can't I have to live through this hell and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trapped in this endless circle of life. I can't just run away from my problems until they stop chasing me I have to stop and let them hit me and knock me over every time. There's nothing I can do. I'm paralysed.

As my tears run down from my eyes and onto my pillow I can feel my whole body aching from my head to my toes as if there screaming for help. My crying is definitely loud enough for my parents and sister to here but no ones walked in the whole time I've been up here. The only thing I heard was Emily's door open and close, not that I exactly want anyone around me. Well, the only person I need is James and he's all the way in London.

That thought is haunting me and it just causes me to feel more shit, if that's even possible, and I hate it. I wish I could call him and tell him I need him but I can't interfere with him and his band. It's not fair on him. He doesn't need to worry about me.
And the thought of him arriving in 12 days time and not seeing me home is killing me. The fact that he will run up to the door and shout out my name and I won't answer. Because I'll be trapped in Switzerland in a stupid castle with a physio. Ugh the thought makes me want to scream. But again I'm stuck there's nothing I can do anymore, my life has been dragged out from under my feet, my future has been decided and the fight isn't even mine anymore.
I cry for a while longer before hearing my phone ring several times but I don't have any energy left in my to answer. By the 3rd time it rang it started to buzz and I slowly pulled myself together and turned so I was lead on my back and pushed myself up so I was resting my head on the head rest. I reach out for the phone and see 3 miss calls and 4 voice messages and at least 15 texts from James. I feel even more bad that I didn't realise it was him but I start to work my way through all the voice messages and read all the texts.

*voice call 1*
Riley, babe are you ok?

*voice call 2*
Babe please answer

*voice call 3*
Emily told me what happened are you ok? If you need me home I'll fly back tonight.

James: babe are you ok?
James: em said that it happened again
James: please reply babe

I scan through the rest before typing out a reply as fast as possible and then closing down my phone.

Me: sorry I couldn't answer I was asleep. Ya I'm fine I'm staying at my parents house for now. I'll call you tomorrow. I can handle it just enjoy the time away with your band don't worry about me.

I lay back down so I'm staring up at the ceiling and my whole body stops while my mind races with thoughts.
Why didn't you tell him? Why lie he knows you need help? Stop trying to take on more than what you can handle. Don't hide the fact your trapped. You can't fix this anymore. Your helpless.
All the thoughts rush around causing me to turn on to one side and place my head in my palms and curl into a ball. The pain is unbearable and I can't take this anymore. It's like I'm sat here silently crying and every single feeling wants to just jump out and scream and I want to let everything out but I can't so it bottles it's self inside and the bottle got to filled so it can't hold anymore so it feels like it's about to burst open.

I let out a few more silent crys before I wipe my eyes and try my best to fall asleep which seemed to work until I heard my phone buzz. I reach over and pick it up to see a message that pretty much fills my bottle so much it bursts.

Alfie: this is taking to long I've brought the plain tickets for tomorrow night. You know the price if you don't show😉

The blood inside me starts to boil and I can't hold it in any longer. I sit up and using all my force I throw my phone against the wall and small shattered glass shards scatter across the floor. I bring my knees to my chest and curl into a ball and as quietly as I can I scream and cry out into my pyjamas for hours on end.

~~~~

I fell asleep at at least 5 in the morning and didn't wake up to 10 the next morning.
As soon as I woke up my head immediately started to ache but I pushed it aside and walked out of my room and into the bathroom down the hall. I heard muffled chatting from downstairs and saw that everyone's rooms were open, meaning that my sisters and parents are awake.
I close the door to the bathroom and wash my face and brush my teeth to try freshen up. I look up into the mirror and see my eyes where bloodshot and my skin looks dry and pale. I comb through my hair and dry my face before walking back into my room and changing. I grab a light blue vest top and a pair of black leggings and I make my way nervously downstairs.
I walk down the stairs and bite my bottom lip hoping I don't get asked to many questions but luckily for me no one questioned me instead each of them shot me a smile as I walk down the stairs.
"RILEY!" my youngest sister calls out as she runs up to me and wrapping her arms around my waist.
"Hi lucy" I say picking her up and giving her a hug before putting her back down. She runs back over to our parents and Emily stands up and walks over to the kitchen.
"I'll make you some toast and coffee Ri" she says before she disappears into the other room. I call out a quick thanks before sitting in the spare chair in the living room beside my dad who's looking at me confused slightly.
"Are you ok dear?" He asks suddenly as he reaches over for his mug on the coffee table.
"Ya I'm fine, why?"
"You seem a bit under the weather that's all" he reply's simply taking a sip of his tea and leaning back in the arm chair.
"No i feel good don't worry" I throw him a reassuring smile before I turn my focus to Emily as she walks in with a cup of coffee and a plate with two slices of crispy toast.
"Thanks Em" I thank her as I reach out and grab the plate and mug from her hands. I place the plate on the table and bring the mug to my lips before taking a small sip. I soon get hit with a rush of nausea and my head ache grows stronger. I wince at the pain and put down the mug trying not to raise any suspicion, since my dads already questioning if I'm ill I don't want to make it seem like I am, anyway it's probably from the lake of sleep I got it's nothing major I'm sure.

We end up talking a while before I check the time on my watch and realise that me and Emily better get back to the studio otherwise we're gonna be late to start the A troupe rehearsal.
"Em we better get going" I say standing up from the chair and rubbing my head slightly.
"Wow time really does fly doesn't it" she laughs as she starts follows me to the front door before stopping in her tracks.
"Ri, you've not eaten your toast, and you haven't even touched your coffee" she sighs pointing over to the plate and mug on the table. I turn and shrug before replying fast.
"I'm not that hungry and I'll just grab a juice at the studio" I say before making my way to the door. I'm soon followed by Em and we make our way to the studio ready to start the first day of A troupe rehearsals.