In Dreams We Drown

33- A Knife Edge

Beth

Hours later, flag captured and fear conquered, I sat in the cold grass and watched nightfall subtly take over the Glade. Most of the Gladers had already retreated to the Homestead for the night, but for some reason I was resisting my bed.

The bang of a door made me turn towards the circular building of the Council Hall, and I watched from afar as two figures exited. The boy in front was bulky and pushed through the Glade with a power I knew only Alby possessed. He left the other boy to follow at a distance behind him, limping slightly.

I got up from where I'd been sat and jogged over towards the Council Hall.

"Wait up!" I breathed heavily as I approached Newt. He sighed and turned to see me slowing down as I neared him.

"It's late, Beth." He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Mom." I rolled my eyes. "I haven't seen you all day."

"I've been busy." Newt said as he began moving again. His tone was strained

"I gathered. What were you and Alby doing just now in the Council Hall?" I asked curiously, walking beside him.

"We had a few things to discuss." He said shortly.

"Well, you missed Capture the Flag." I smiled awkwardly, wondering if he could sense the same tension I felt suddenly between us."And I wanted to tell you-"

"No offence, Beth, but I've got more important things on my mind right now than some game." Newt's voice wasn't harsh or cutting, but there was a finality to it that didn't sound right coming from someone so patient.

"Right..." I said, huffing slightly. "I only wanted to tell you I went into the woods."

Newt stopped and turned to me.

"What?"

"I went into the woods with Minho. And I didn't freak out or anything." I couldn't help grinning at my success.

Newt's face was suddenly free of any tiredness and he beamed at me. Before I could say anything else he'd pulled me into a tight hug, kissing the top of my head.

"That's amazing, Beth. You're bloody amazing." He whispered. "Sorry for being such a shuck just now. I really am just tired, it's been a busy day." He let me go again.

"There I was thinking you were just avoiding me." I smirked. Newt blushed.

"Er... That might have been part of it." He gave a weak smile, not meeting my eye.

It was odd, because though when I thought of our kiss I felt a slight guilt attached to the memory, I was in no doubt that it was a happy memory. I'd wanted to kiss Newt, and a large part of me wanted to do it again. But Newt looked at me with none of that assurance. I almost thought I saw regret in those eyes.

"Do you wish it hadn't happened?" I asked. Newt visibly tensed.

"It's complicated, Beth." He replied, walking towards the Homestead once more. "We can't... we just can't, Beth. I don't want us bloody torturing each other."

I thought back to what I'd witnessed only minutes earlier. Newt and Alby leaving the Council Hall. Alby storming off strides ahead of Newt. Newt not bothering to catch Alby up.

"Newt..." I began, a sense of panic setting in. "What were you and Alby just talking about?"

I hoped desperately that my assumption was wrong, but Newt gave me a pained look and I knew I was correct.

"I told him about last night." He said grimly. "I'm sorry Beth. Really, I am."

Newt

The whole shucking day I'd been going back and forth with myself over whether to tell Alby that I'd kissed Beth. I wanted to keep it between the two of us, as it should have been. But Alby was my friend and he'd trusted me to lead alongside him. Despite knowing it would probably upset Beth, I'd chosen to tell Alby. The conversation had gone exactly as I'd expected. Very, very badly.

"Alby, I've got to tell you something." I'd said whilst Alby stared at the latest list we were preparing to send down in the Box.

"Yeah?"

This was it. The moment everything would change.

"I kissed Beth." I let the words tumble out in a rush. Alby looked at me, blinking.

"What?"

"I kissed Beth." I repeated. "Well, I guess she kissed me. But I kissed her back. I'm sorry, Alby. I know it was against the rules, but-"

"When was this?" Alby demanded, straightening up.

"Last night."

Alby remained silent for a long time. I'd almost reached the point where I felt I should leave because clearly he wasn't going to speak to me again, when he looked up at me.

"It can't happen again." He said firmly. I hadn't expected that to be his first response.

"What?"

"It can't happen again, Newt. I mean it."

Deflating though it was to hear Alby say it out loud, I'd always known he'd take this line with me. Still, I had to try to make him see.

"I love her, Alby."

"I know that, shank." He rolled his eyes, staring at me with a mixture of anger and pity. I couldn't decide which I hated more. "I've known for a shucking while."

He'd known? I couldn't help but show my surprise on my face. Had it been obvious?

"After nearly three bloody years of this hell, finally I find something that makes me not want to give up! And you're saying I can't have it?" I groaned in frustration.

"It's against the rules, Newt! You knew it was against the rules when you kissed her! You knew it was against the rules when you started falling for her, when you both went into the shucking shed, when you and Minho had your shucking fight!" Alby was yelling now, his anger clearly outweighing any sympathy he had for my situation.

"Well maybe it shouldn't be against the rules! Maybe you were wrong for putting rules onto a shucking Greenie without even telling her! She had to find out from Gally, Alby!"

"Without that rule, something would have happened a lot sooner than Stefan and you know it!"

I couldn't answer immediately. He was right in saying Beth would have been attacked, or taken advantage of, much earlier had Alby not been so protective.

"Did you not think about the position you were putting me in, Newt?" Alby cried.

"I can't help the way I feel-"

"I never said you could. But you can control the way you behave." He spat at me. I looked at the ground, feeling ashamed. "If this gets around and the Gladers hear I haven't Banished you, questions will be asked!"

"I know."

"We can't throw this away, Newt! Everything we've built rests on a knife edge! Your recklessness last night might lose us the little of society we've managed to shucking find here!"

"I know."

"Nobody can know, Newt. Nobody. And it can never happen again."

"I know!" I groaned in frustration.

Alby had been right, but now as I walked away from Beth, having just admitted to her that I'd told Alby everything, I felt grief for what I might have just lost.

For a second, I'd seen a glimmer of a future. Now, like my memories and my hope, it was gone.