I've Got Red In My Ledger

Chapter One

We are all spinning in our pointshoes, even though our feet are covered in blisters and are almost bleeding raw.
Ballet pushes us to the limits, Dreykov tells us.
My entire body aches for Yelena. Has she made it through? Did she make it out? Is she still alive?
I tried asking Dreykov about it once, he told me that I needed to remain focused.
That the things we love are the things that ruin us.

Dreykov twists our mind, wraps it around his finger. So we have no choice but to believe him, so that we don't fight back. So we spend our time watching cartoons, and with things to make us forget all about anything else.
We were picked, he'd tell us. Because he knew we could be the best.
I still remember that night around the table, when I knew that I'd end up back here. I knew that my hands would be stained Red in a matter of hours.
"Natalia." You learn to recognise the voice, because it haunts you. "I have a new mission for you, sweetheart."
We're programmed to go towards him, to say yes to anything he asks us.
"What is it?" I was fourteen, only fourteen years old and I was already the best assassin the Black Widow Programme had ever seen.
"When it's time, you will know, darling," he told me. "And as you are the strongest Widow we have, I've selected you."
"What do I need to do?"
"Something that hasn't been done before." I remember that his brief answers made me nervous, remember that even though I was still under control, I was suspicious.

I wake up, panic in my heart. I haven't had a Red Room dream in a couple of nights, most of them involved Clint, these days. No matter how long I've been away from the Red Room, the memories linger, still finding a way to haunt me.
I crawl out of bed, quickly glancing out the window to see the sun hasn't even begun to rise just yet. This little caravan is empty, but there is still something familiar about it. Something quiet and serene about the fact that it's placed in the middle of a forest.
I braid my hair and throw on a jacket, and go to sit outside for a bit. There are guns hidden everywhere around the place, because I can never be too careful. There's always someone trying to get me, and I need to be prepared. I sit outside on the steps, a warm cup of coffee with no sugar, steaming in my hands. I'll never get sick of this view.
This peace.

The nightmares always rattle me, always stop me from sleeping. They leave me wide awake and petrified to sleep again. So, usually I'll just have a cup of coffee and wait out here until the sun has risen.
I'm just taking my last sip of coffee, when I hear a thump behind me. Behind the caravan. I swiftly and quietly pull out my gun, ducking down. I do not panic in a situation like this, because panicking does not help me hit the target.
"Natasha," the voice calls, and it's a voice that I instantly recognise.
Still holding the gun tightly in my hands, I edge around the back of the caravan.
"It's been a while," the voice tells me, and I turn to see the figure of a woman that used to be my friend.
"Wanda?" I pause. "How did you find me-"
"You look tired," she observes. "What are you doing awake?"
"I could ask you the same thing," I answer. "Are you here to bring me back? To turn me in to SHIELD?" I question.
Wanda shakes her head. "I'm on the run from SWORD, currently, so that will not do me any favours. Besides... I wouldn't do that to a friend. I was coming to... see if you wanted to talk. I'm sure that there's a lot we have to catch up on." Her voice wavers for a moment, before she clears her throat. "I figured that we both could use someone at the moment."
She's not wrong.