I've Got Red In My Ledger

Chapter Six

I feel exhausted. I remember feeling like this after I'd had to protect my family in WestView, when Agatha thought she could take all of my powers.
But, I'm here, walking along the street with Nat beside me. The feeling I get is... I haven't felt like this in a very long time.
It's a nice feeling, but that doesn't stop the fear creeping in.
The three of us head back to the hotel room to at least make sure we look like we haven't just almost been killed several times in the last couple of days.
Yelena's in the shower, and I sit out on the balcony, looking at the thriving city descending into darkness.
"What you did back there was amazing," A voice says softly from behind me. Natasha sits down on the chair beside me, looking out at the city. "I'm so glad you're here."
I smile, turning to face her. "I'm glad you're here too."
I know that she's got her own list of concerns and worries that she's trying to live with, and I want to help her whenever I can.
"You know, when I was first on the run from SHIELD, I kept thinking that the only reason I'd want to go back was because of you." She watches me, her eyes warm, so soft considering what the day has held. "I even went back to try and find you, but you were gone."
I give her a sad smile. "I was out of there as soon as possible. I'm sorry that I wasn't there."
"And after I went back and couldn't find you, I decided that a random city in Norway would be my best option in terms of trying to forget everything that happened." She sighs, glancing away from me. "But... there were some things that I just didn't want to forget about." She looks at me again, and I smile.
"I couldn't forget about you," I tell her gently. "And that made things extremely difficult."
Nat sighs, looking up at the sky. "I wish that... that maybe things could have been different."
"In what way?" I ask her softly, and she gives me a soft smile.
"I wish that I'd... that I'd just... come out and told you how much I..." Nat pauses, and I feel that feeling again, deep in my chest. An explosion of dust and starlight from inside of me.
I can't help but smile. I can't help but lean into her a little closer. Does she notice this?
"I think that I'm maybe... just a little bit in love with you, Wanda Maximoff." The words set me alight. "And I just don't think I realised it until i saw you again a few days ago. I think that I tried to shove it down so deep inside of me because I thought that you were gone, that I'd never see you again. But there you were." Nat doesn't look at me as she says it, instead looking down at her lap. "And I know you don't feel-"
"Don't say that," I tell her, truly surprised that I'm not on fire at this point. "I think I've always been a little bit in love with you, too." The words come so easy, but they terrify me.
Because everyone I've ever loved has been killed. And their deaths play out in a film reel in front of me, and I feel myself go cold. My parents, hiding with Pietro as I watch that little red dot flicker. Pietro, feeling his death, his pain, his hurt. Vision, having to destroy the Mind Stone, and then watching him be killed by Thanos anyway. Billy and Tommy, as I turned out the light with the red static border closing in on us. Standing in the window with Vision as our time together came to an end once more.

This sends a wave of fear through me, and Nat must see it in my eyes. I can't hurt her like that.
"What's wrong?" She asks immediately, turning to face me. "Wanda?"
How do I even tell her? Tell her that I made a promise to myself that I would never love again because everyone I love gets hurt and killed in front of me. Tell her that I love her, that I know her the best out of everyone else in the world, that I think I knew I loved her since... since she first came and sat with me on one of my first nights in the Compound. When she told me about her sister, about how she felt when she was ripped from her grasp with nothing but half of a strip of photos. When she told me that she knew how I felt about Pietro, and that she didn't want me to feel alone.
"I just..." I start, pulling my knees up to my chest. "I just... told myself that I wasn't allowed to let myself love anyone again because everyone I love gets hurt." I glance over at her, trying to see what she's thinking. "Every single person I've loved in my life has been taken away from me, and I don't want that to happen to you too," I admit. "I won't let myself hurt you like that."
Nat leans over to me, and cups my face. "Wanda. I'm not going anywhere." She pauses, wiping away a tear with her thumb. After Vision, I didn't think that it was possible to feel... to feel something like this again. But this feeling is something I've felt for a long time... but I just can't let myself hurt her like that. "We've been through so much together, and we're still here. I'm here. And I'm not planning on going anywhere. None of it was your fault," she tells me softly. "It wasn't your fault."
"And Clint's death wasn't yours," I whisper gently. She nods. "Exactly. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to worry about me." I know she doesn't believe me, what I said about Clint, but she'll pretend she will so that I believe hers.
"That's what I always thought, but bad things always happen to people that get close to me." I can't stop the thoughts. I've been thinking them for so long. "I've hurt so many people and I just keep hurting them when I try and do something good."
"Wanda," Nat gets me to focus on hers. "You were the one that was moving people out of away today, you were the one who made sure that no one was hurt. That was all you. I know that you think that bad things happen because of you, but there's been so many good things happen because of you too."
"No, there hasn't." I answer firmly and she smiles.
"Wanda, you are being as stubborn as me. Of course there have been. Look at you. I could sit here and list a thousand things that you've done for the good of society, for your friends and family."
I sigh. "I don't want you to get hurt, Natasha."
"I've been hurt before, Wanda. And I'm still here. Don't worry about me."
"I will always worry about you." I smile, and Nat lightly laughs. "You always like to jump right into the action, regardless of how it might impact your safety."
"I'll be more careful." Nat grins. "I promise."
"I really want to..." I start, but my mind gets the better of me. I don't want her to get hurt. If I do this, something is going to happen to her. It's happened to everyone else, so why not her?
"You don't have to worry about me." Nat leans forward, and I don't pull away. I know that I should. I know that she's going to get hurt. I know that if I do this, as much as I want to, she's going to get hurt. My parents died. Pietro, dead. Vision, dead. Billy and Tommy? Somewhere where I can't reach them. Everyone I've ever loved, gone. I can't be the reason that Nat-
My thoughts are cut off suddenly, when I feel her lips against mine.