I've Got Red In My Ledger

Chapter Nine

There's been a lot of things that hurt me in this world, a lot of things that cause both pain and suffering, but Wanda pulling her arm away, not meeting my gaze, refusing to take off her sweatshirt... I just knew. I didn't want to be right. Of course I didn't. I didn't want to have to think about her being in that much pain that she used self harm as a coping mechanism.
I truly didn't want to be right about what I suspected. But I knew the signs, I knew the moment she thought that taking off her sweatshirt was a big deal, the moment that though made her panic.

That's the trouble, we were Avengers, but we are still human. We still feel pain and we get hurt and we want a remedy for that suffering as much as anyone else. I think people tend to forget that we still have things that haunt us.
I've done it several times in my life, the first being when I got out of the Red Room and was entirely overwhelmed by everything, by choices and life. The world seemed to be spinning on a tilted axis for a while, and it felt like I was drowning. So I tried it for the first time, and for a bitter moment, I felt better. My mind didn't focus on the pain of having to build a life for myself, the fact I was a trained killer. A Russian assassin. The fact I'd done so many terrible things that I'd never be able to forget. But in that moment, it was quiet. I was thankful for the peace.

It makes me so sad that Wanda must be feeling the same way I did, that she is hurting so much that she had to try and make it go away.
"When did you last do it?" I ask her gently. I don't want her to feel pressure, I don't want her to feel rushed.
"The night before I saw you. All of the events from yesterday caused it to start bleeding again." She sighs, and I pull her into me. "But it's fine, it's not that bad."
"You can tell me anything, okay? You don't have to do it all alone anymore. I can... I can help you. Really, I can."
Wanda smiles over at me, her eyes sad. "That's the trouble. Nat, I just don't think some of this can be fixed."
"What? Of course it can." I takes her hands in mine.
"Of course it can. We'll find other ways for you to feel better. I promise, Wanda." I kiss the tip of her nose, and she laughs.
"Nat?" She murmurs as I rest my forehead against hers.
"Yeah?" I reply with a small smile.
"I... I really liked it when you called me that."
I laugh, and move my head so that my lips are pressed against her forehead. "Did you, baby?"
She smiles into me, wrapping her arms around my waist, so our bodies are connected. This woman could set me on fire, I swear.
"I really did." She leans up and kisses me, and my hands move to cup her cheeks, to tangle in her hair.
"Promise me that if you ever feel like doing it again you come to me, okay?" I tell her gently.
She nods. "I promise."
I know that she thinks she can handle it all on her own, that she can keep it manageable, but I've been there and I know how much it hurts, how quickly it can spiral out of control. I don't want that for her. She needs to know that she can come to me about anything and everything.
"Do you want me to help you clean it? I'll bandage it up for you and then you can just say it happened when the car flipped over. No one needs to know." I kiss her cheek and she smiles, her eyes closed.
"Why are you so good to me?" She murmurs, cupping my cheek. "I don't deserve you."
I sigh. "Wanda, you're amazing. You're kind and you're funny, you put everyone else before yourself and you're just... you're you. It's always been you." I'm not as good at these things as she is, I'm not as good as saying words and making them sound beautiful.
"I think that deep down, I knew it was always you too," she kisses me. "I love you," she adds with a smile.
"I love you too." I'll never get sick of kissing her. Of her lips that taste like everything, that taste so good. I will never get tired of it. Every time my lips are against her, I still can't believe that it's really happening. That we're here. In Budapest, together. I can't help but be glad that this is where we are, that we have no where else to go but be here in this moment. "Come on, I'll help you clean up your scars."