I've Got Red In My Ledger

Chapter Eight

Nat and Yelena sit in the front, because Yelena called shotgun and Nat wouldn't let her drive, considering it was at this point in time, a stolen vehicle.
"You know this is the first piece of clothing that I've ever brought for myself?" Yelena mentions as we drive back to the hotel room. This will be our last night sleeping in it, and possibly the last night getting sleep for a while. If I can sleep. Seeing those kids playing, seeing them laughing and smiling without a care in the world has really stuck with me. I can't stop thinking of Billy and Tommy. I smile when I think of them, about the time I shared with them. I believe Nat when she says that we'll get them back.
"That?" Nat says, and Yelena scoffs.
"Yeah, you don't like it?"
"I like it," I tell her. "It's very practical."
"You look like you're off to fight with the military in the front lines," Nat laughs. "It looks like a military vest."
"Okay... it has a lot of pockets. But I use them all the time... so I don't see an issue."
I hear Nat laugh, and smile. I know why she's picking on Yelena about the vest, and it makes the whole thing a billion times funnier.
"I think it's great, Yelena." I assure her, and she turns to face me. "You can never have too many pockets."
Yelena looks over at Nat, motioning to me. "Exactly. See? She gets it, she's cool. Wanda has taste."
"Whatever," Nat shakes her head, laughing.
"Besides... the vest isn't actually the point. I've... I have never had any control over my life and now I do, so of course I'm going to buy a vest with pockets. I want to do the things that I choose to, and I chose to buy the vest because I really liked it, and you don't have to like it."
"Hmm," Nat says with a grin, and for a few moments there is silence. "I do like your vest."
I laugh, because I just knew that's what she was going to say, I knew she liked it.
"Ha! I knew it! I knew you did, it's so cool, right?" She laughs.
"It's so cool, Yelena. It looks perfect on you," I tell her and she smiles. "We'll let you carry everything in your pockets."
"I made a few modifications to it," She says, clearly glad that Natasha admitted she likes her vest.
"It is very cool," Nat laughs.
Yelena chuckled, looking down and admiring her vest. "Seriously. I can fit so many things in here and you wouldn't even know. I never got to have pockets before." She pauses, sighing.

Through the rear vision mirror, I can see Nat smiling. This makes me so happy, because I know that she's not one to smile often. Not in the way that she has been over the last couple of days, not in the way that causes her eyes to sparkle. She doesn't often smile like that, and I know that she won't have been smiling like that since Clint died, since her life was turned upside down. It makes me happy to see that she's still smiling. That she allows herself to feel happy, to smile and have a little bit of fun.
Nat catches my eyes in the mirror, and I smile at her. I don't even know if she realises how beautiful she is. She'd always caught my attention, even in my first time seeing her while I was still working with Hydra, with Ultron. When I saw a glimpse at her past. She'd always left me speechless, left me wondering if I'd ever see anything like her ever again. I wouldn't. There's no one else like Nat. No one could ever be Nat.
"I really don't know where the Red Room is though, I'm sorry." Yelena says, and Nat looks away.
"Well, I think I know someone who does." Nat answers. This is news to Yelena, because she looks over at Nat with a confused look on her face.
"Who?" I ask her.
"We're going to need a jet." Natasha tells us, her smile etched with mystery.
"Why?" Yelena asks. "You can't keep secrets, Natasha. That's not how teams work."
"Because obviously we need to fly," Nat says and Yelena scoffs at her. "And is that what we are now? A team?"
"That's not funny." Yelena argues, and Nat laughs. "And yes, Natasha. We are quite obviously a team now. Aren't we Wanda?"
"We definitely are," I smile, and Yelena watches Nat, waiting for her answer. Nat just seems so happy, seems like she's finally allowing herself to be happy again. And I'm proud of her for that. She's the sort of person that would make herself feel pain, not allowing herself to feel happy because she thinks that everything was her fault. She thinks she could have done so much more, and because of that, she won't allow herself to do things that that she wants. But she's here, she's smiling and laughing, she's joking and she's got colour in her cheeks again.

Yelena collapses on the bed as soon as we walk through the door.
"Shopping is tiring," She groans.
Nat laughs. "So fighting Dreykov's secret weapon was less exhausting than the ten minutes we spent finding your new favourite vest?"
"Natasha, I haven't been able to choose what I do for like... my entire life, and today I've had to make so many decisions. That's tiring." Yelena yawns, taking off her shoes. "I'm going to sleep."
"Okay," Nat smiles as Yelena closes her eyes. "I'll try not to wake you up."
"Shhh... Natasha." Yelena murmurs.
Our room isn't very big, and Natasha starts going through her bag.
"What are you doing?" I ask her quietly.
"Arranging our transportation." She smiles at me. "You can go to sleep, you've done a lot today. I won't be up for very long."
I shake my head. "No, I'm helping you. Or at least keeping you company."
It's hot outside, so the two of us sit out on the balcony so we don't keep Yelena up.
"So much has happened in the past week that it's a little hard to keep up with everything." I say as we sit down.
"I know," Nat sighs. "I don't think I ever imagined that this was how it would turn out."
"I didn't expect that when we were talking back in Norway that in a couple of days we would be on our way to destroy the Red Room. Who are you getting in contact with?"
"Rick. I'm hoping that he can help with the whole thing. He said to call if I need anything, so I'll be holding him to that." She nudges me. "I can't thank you enough for coming to see me that morning. I wouldn't have wanted to do any of this without you." She leans forward, her hands tangling in my hair. "Wanda - you're burning up, you should take off your sweatshirt." She tells me, and this catches me off guard.
"I'm fine," I tell her quickly, folding my arms across my chest. "And I'm glad I did too. Imagine if I'd missed out on all of this."
"Okay, but-"
"I'll be back," I tell her, kissing her cheek before I head into the bathroom.
I lean against the sink, staring at myself in the mirror. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to make the darkness go away. Trying to make what I've done to the people I love go away. Trying to make all the bad parts go away.
I brush cold water against my face, trying to distract myself. I pace backwards and forwards for a few minutes before I head back out to Nat.

She glances up at me while she's on the phone talking to Rick. I can tell that she's wondering what's wrong, that she is going to question me about it the moment she stops talking.
Sure enough, the moment she hangs up the phone, she asks me if I'm okay, if there's anything she can do to help me.
"Was it something I said? Something I did?"
I shake my head. "No, it's just been a long day and I'm tired." I pause, changing the subject. "Is he going to bring us what we need?"
She nods. "Mid tomorrow morning."
I nod. "And then we take down the Red Room." I tell her, sitting down beside her.
"Wanda, what's wrong? There's something bothering you." Nat doesn't drop the subject.
It's a good thing that I know how to mask the hurt.
"I'm fine, I promise. I just... I'm just tired." I lean into her, and she brings her lips to mine, meeting me in the middle.
Every time I kiss her feels like the first, and I know for sure, that I won't ever get sick of it.
"I should've made sure I found you," she murmurs against my lips. "As soon as I could, I should've run to you."
I smile, and it's just our foreheads touching. Being with her is a privilege. Feeling her skin on mine is a privilege, being so close to her that I can feel her breath against my cheek is a privilege.
"It wasn't supposed to work out that way," I tell her. "It was supposed to be like this."
"But I wish I could've kissed you sooner," She admits, and I smile.
I kiss her again, tasting peppermint and beer, and a mix of the watermelon flavoured chewing gum she got from the shops.
"We've got plenty of time for that," I whisper, and she grins. "Once we're on that helicopter, I'm afraid Yelena might throw us out if we-"
"Nat, you're kidding yourself. Yelena loves it," I laugh, and Nat chuckles too. "You look so beautiful."
"What? No-"
"I'm serious, Natasha." I cup her cheek, feeling her lean into my hand. "You seem happy. I'll never get tired of seeing you smile. You've got a sparkle in your eyes that wasn't there before."
Nat's cheeks flush crimson, and she moves her head so she can kiss my hand. "I swear that only you would notice something as simple as that, Wanda."
She kisses the palm of my hand, and I yawn. "It's been a long day." I turn away, but she catches my wrist. I know what she's doing before she even does it.
"Wanda-" she pulls up my sleeve and I wrench my arm away from her, with enough force that she flinches. "Wanda, baby."
It's that... the way she says it that sends me into a spin. I back up, clutching my arm in my hand. She wasn't supposed to know. She wasn't supposed to find out. No one was.
She's on her feet now, I can feel her moving over to me. I am leaning against the balcony now, and I sigh.
Gently, she reaches out and holds my arms, pulling me into her.
"Why?" Is all she murmurs into my hair. My head rest on her shoulder. "Why do you need to do that?"
"Because it makes the rest of it all go away for a moment. It makes me human." I say through tears. No one has ever found out about it before. Not Pietro, not Vision, no one. After my parents died, that's when I did it for the first time. I didn't mean to, but I did it once and it helped. It made the pain hurt a little less because there was something that hurt more.
She cups my cheeks, wiping away my tears. "I wish that I'd known sooner... I wish I could've done something to make you feel better."
"How did you know?" I ask her, trying to stop myself from shattering completely. Even so, even with my mind being focused on the moment, I can't help but think about how she called me baby. About how much I liked it.
"Because I used to do it too."