The Angel Next Door

Chapter 19

2 DAYS LATER...

Ever since the other day, there have only been two things running through my head. The first, god I've missed sex with Asher. I still remember the first time like it was yesterday...

After a day of rehearsals, it was about two weeks after arriving in Atlanta and just days after his mom had left. We went out with Jack and Ross. Just went bowling and had some dinner. Nothing crazy, but fun. Then we came back to the apartment. We were in some sort of mood. We had been discussing doing this for a while. Asher made sure to ask that I was comfortable with it. I asked the same of him. It was time.

To be honest, it wasn't anything spectacular. But it never is the first time. Asher was in pain. I kept apologizing. And every once and a while my mind went back to coach. Neither of us was truly having the best time of our lives. But we enjoyed being together. We enjoyed knowing it would get better.

And it did. It got much better. Each time he improved. Each time I got more comfortable. After a few weeks, it was so much fun. We were trying new things. Trying things we each wanted to try. It worked well until it didn't.

Getting back to my original thought... the other thing that's been running through my head these past few days is how much I badly want Asher back in my life, and how much I hate myself for it. I've always been the guy to say I'd never go back to someone who cheated on me. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone treat me this way again. But then I think about who he was. Who he was before he came out to the world. Before he got this false confidence. And before he decided he wanted more than just me.

Has he changed? Maybe. Do I want to wait and see if I get hurt again to know? No.

And all these thoughts in my head have me crying. Not a lot. Not too often. Mostly when I'm going to bed. Sometimes while I'm on the toilet. And currently on my yoga mat in my old room...

As I go into downward dog I can feel water building up. There's nothing that truly starts the crying. It just happens. One tear at a time goes down my cheeks. I go into chair pose, the sun coming through the window and onto my face. It feels nice but weird. I close my eyes. I think about the past month. My mom dying. Covid. Asher. It's just a lot. And without drugs or any of my friends, I don't really have any way of going through it. It's like a brick wall just in my way.

I can feel tears pouring down my face now. I open my eyes and wipe my eyes. Then I see Asher. Standing at his window. He's looking at me with pity. At first, I'm ready to flip him off, but then he smiles. He grabs his phone from his pocket and starts typing. My phone dings. I grab it.

ASHER: r u ok?

ME: yeah

I haven't responded to his texts since the day I left Atlanta. I never thought I would.

ASHER: u wanna talk?

ME: not really

ASHER: I can just listen

I just look over at him. I would love to talk to him. Cuddle up on the couch. And just let it all out. Finally open the flood gates and fully open up. It's tempting.

ME: I'm good

I turn around and walk out of the room. I walk down to the kitchen and start looking for something full of fat and sugar that will make me feel better. But there's nothing. There's some pasta and two cans of black beans.

ME: u can come over if u have candy...

ASHER: b right over

"Hey." I open the back door for Asher.

"Candy." He hands me a bag of Skittles. "I remember how much you loved them."

"Thanks." I walk into the living room and Asher follows. "You do something different to your hair?" I sit down on the couch.

"Just long. I was supposed to get my hair cut right when lockdown happened." He sits on the chair next to the couch.

"How's your family?" I'm avoiding any real talk.

"Good. Everyone's been healthy. No Symptoms so far. My mom's not thrilled with me though."

"Really? Why?" I'm shocked. He and his mom have always been very close.

"I told her what happened." I'm shocked. "When you left Atlanta without any warning in the middle of the night, my mom was pissed. I've never seen her so mad. And it was all aimed at you. I let her think it was all on you. I let her stay mad at you."

"I'm surprised... but I get it."

"It was awful of me. It's one of the many things I regret from this past summer."

"I guess we all have some regrets."

"I told her the truth when you arrived in Phoenix. She saw you arrive and was angry. She was gonna come and talk to you. I couldn't let it go on any longer."

"Thanks for telling her the truth. I'm sorry for leaving Atlanta like that. I should've stayed and talked. At least given you and your mom some time to figure out things."

"Thanks, but I understand. I probably would've done the same thing."

"No, you wouldn't. You've always been more mature. Unlike me, you think before you act. At least most of the time."

"I wish I was the way you see me."

"You are. You may not have been in Atlanta, but you are now. I can tell."

"I hope so..." It gets silent as we sit there, looking down at our feet. "Do you think we could talk about Atlanta? Especially that last week?"

"I wish I could say no, but I think we should."