The Foolproof Plan

Chapter 30: SO RIGHT, SO WRONG

A few days before our Halloween party, Bella and I were studying at my kitchen table. I had become so engrossed in what I was typing, that I hadn't noticed that she'd stopped reading and was looking at me. After a while, I looked up.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, concerned.

She smiled. "Nothing's wrong. In fact, everything is very right." She leaned back on her chair. "I just like the way you look when you're working. You're so serious."

"Yeah," I replied.

"It's so sexy," she whispered.

"Oh, really?" I asked. I jumped to my feet and pulled her out of her chair. "And how does that make you feel?" I murmured, burying my face into the crook of her neck. I traced light kisses along her neck and collarbone and felt her tremble.

"I think you already know," she gasped. "But," she pushed me away gently, "we should finish our work first, don't you think?"

I nodded and sat down again. "Yes, I do. Believe me, it's not easy. Every time I see you, my mind goes crazy thinking of all the things I'd like to do, but," I said, "we do need to finish our work. I don't want anything to interrupt our time together. I hope you're well-rested, my darling, because it's going to be an energetic night." I winked at her and chuckled at her slight blush.

"Stop," she mumbled. She looked down at her books then looked at me again. "What I find incredible is that you're the only student I know who's already a millionaire yet keeps studying so much. People say that you don't even need to keep going to school, that you can just manage your wealth and get even richer."

I sighed. "I know, I know. I can just settle into my life as a captain of industry and be an important, influential man. Like my father, I guess." I ran a hand through my hair. "I hear that often, you know. I've even wondered about it myself. Why put myself through this when I can just jump right into a multi-million-dollar corporate gig and cruise along?"

She nodded, her large eyes looking at me, making me feel as if I were the most dazzling human being on the planet.

"At first it was a selfish desire to show off in front of my father," I began. "He never had a kind or encouraging word for me when I was growing up. It was always criticism or advice on how I could do better, so I wanted to show him that I could be successful without him or his help." I paused for a moment. "But now...well, now I do it for you." I gazed into her eyes.

"Uh...but you know your money is not important to me," she said. "The person you are is what matters the most. I'd still love you if you were a simple, struggling student. Sometimes I wonder how much easier our lives would've been if you were."

"Yeah, everything would've been easier," I agreed. "But what I meant was that I do this for you because I want to deserve you. You always work so hard to do things for yourself. I didn't realize how much I admire that about you. So, I also want to work hard...to accomplish my goals for myself, not because I'm the son of a wealthy man. I don't have to prove anything to my father or anybody else. Only to myself. And only because I want to be seen as worthy in your eyes...your beautiful eyes. I will work the rest of my life just to see that look of love and admiration in your eyes, Bella."

I saw that she was pressing her lips together, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Jin, I...sometimes I feel that I don't deserve you."

"No," I replied. "You don't. You deserve better, but I will try very hard to be better for you." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Uh, anyway, let's get back to work," I said. She nodded and lowered her head into her book. I could feel my heart beating erratically in my chest. I wanted to be worthy of her, but I would never be unless I was completely honest with her. She deserved the truth.

I thought back to that unfortunate incident with Minda. Too many tequila shots, too much pretend flirting during her so-called lessons. I kept reminding myself that I was doing all that for Bella, for the purpose of getting Bella back. Then I remembered what Minda said had happened and... I was disgusted with myself.

Later that night, after Bella and I had finished our work, we watched a bit of TV, made out for a little while on the sofa, but that was it. I could not bring myself to be intimate with her again. Not when I felt so horribly unworthy of her.