Scar Tissue [2Doc]

//19//

The same routine begins to ensue for the following days; Wake up, breakfast, take my various medications, and practice (with Murdoc, of course).

Each day I feel myself opening up to him more and more, though it's a slow process. It's somehow making me feel like I'm dusting off the old me and bringing him back. I've been so miserable for so long it's almost scary. It's scary to feel to need to be okay again because sadness and misery is all I've known for so long. A huge change like this is terrifying, because that would mean a completely different person, right?? Although I haven't quite decided whether this need for change is a good or bad thing, this new feeling is somewhat encouraging.

The new medication prescribed has been keeping my addiction at bay, but even so, the tingling sensations in my brain itching for more dopamine have ceased to pipe down. The chills that run down my body are unbearable some days, but I've figured that wrapping myself in a blanket and cocooning in bed to keep warm has helped. Murdoc sometimes sits by my side to rub my back in comfort to prevent me from pulling my hair out of my head, or even scratching myself to the point of blood shed. I can't understand how or why he does it,, but I guess I'm grateful.

Without him, I don't think I would've had the courage to pick up music again. I will admit, I've missed the feeling. To have the capability to create something out of nothing,, is kinda awesome. Deep down I always knew I had a great talent, but I never became a strong enough person to admit it. Even now, I refuse to admit it.

Murdoc and I sit on our (now) usual spot on the living room floor. I'm showing him the music video we did for Tranz on my laptop, a huge series of cracks running diagonally across the screen. Tranz was something, to my shock, he did not watch.

"Didn't wanna feel like shit for not being there, so I didn't watch it," is what he said.

I tell him about Ace and how the band functioned with him as a replacement. I feel like Ace and I didn't talk too much. We talked about clothes and style, my looks being something I actually cared about when I wasn't on a binge, and of course music. We had a lot of the same ideas and he was easy to work with, an agreeable guy. Nicer than Murdoc, is what I remember thinking.

"Did you know the guy?" I can't help but to ask as the video plays.

"You could say we were lads, yea. Little stab in the back for picking up my spot though." I note that his eyes are focused on Ace as the video progresses. "Not a fan of his style."

Ace always played with a pick from what I noticed, a huge difference between him and Murdoc. I loved the low hum of the bass that Murdoc created for us with his finger style, but Ace brought something new to the table. Playing with a pick strengthened the bass in my opinion, I really enjoyed all the things we worked on together for The Now Now.

"I like how trippy this video came out. It's cool."

"Right? I love how it turned out too. Wanna learn how to play it?" I ask as I slide over my keyboard onto my lap. I play the notes to the song slowly, not really caring for it to be perfect.

"Sure, but I'm switching it up. I'm not playing with no pick," he says, his eyes still glued on the laptop screen, to which I assume he's trying to figure out the tabs by watching Ace play.

He watches and rewatches the video before saying anything again. "You look good in that shirt," he suddenly says. The heat elevating in my face catches me off guard as my mouth wants to form up into an uncontrollable smile. I try to sneak a hand over my mouth to hide it.

"Wh-What?"

"Why don't you wear it more often?"

It takes me a second to realize he's talking about the blue and white collared shirt I'm wearing in the video, as his eyes haven't left the screen.