Scar Tissue [2Doc]

//17//

I'm so sorry but I've been crying at this video for like 10 mins --^

God. Fuck. FUCK. 

I pace from one end of my room to the other. My left hand tightly grips my shirt collar as my right is being mauled by my mouth as I chew on my nails desperately. My head feels hot, I can anticipate the sweat threatening to pour down my face. 

Holy fuckk. Murdoc confessed to me. Murdoc confessed to me?!!?

"FUCKK!" An audible yell escapes my mouth.

I take a seat on my bed to try to calm down, but as soon as I do my legs start to bob. I run my hands down my thighs trying to stop them, but it's the most pathetic, futile attempt.

What... do I do? What the fuck do I do? How.. am I supposed to take this???

Murdoc told you he loves you. 

My eyes widen as his words of confession bounce around in my brain. I want to feel giddy, my insides are screaming with glee,, but, I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. 

He's not a good guy.

But he said he's changed. 

He's a fucking abuser. 

But he hasn't hit or hurt me since we've met up again. 

He's a liar and cheater. 

But he's been sticking around since I overdosed. 

I don't know if it's my voice of reason screaming back at me or my stupid horny hormones that just want to finally snatch up a partner, but whatever it be, the anxiety of it all floods my head uncomfortably. So much so that I'm on the brink of a full blown meltdown. Holding my breath to prevent my screaming is only making me feel faint, so I think of the one thing that could possibly calm me down right now. 

I quickly snatch my earbuds from the bedside table, connect them to my phone, and click onto YouTube in desperation as I search up classical music playlists that are hours long. I lay down on my bed and look up and the blank ceiling. Just like my kitchen ceiling, the bedroom is a match with cracks and cobwebs in each corner. 

A sad reflection of my state of mind, I'd say. 

It takes more than a couple of minutes for my breathing and heartbeat to normalize as I focus on the music and each instrument it took to compose it. When I feel at least okay, I close my eyes and continue my steady breathing. The action manages to calm me down enough to where I can slip into sleep.

///

My eyes shoot open as I awake to low vibrations running through my body. I sit up in confusion as to what the source could be. I scratch my head and fumble with my hair as I glance over at my phone. My earbuds still reside in my ears and the same playlist that I fell asleep to is still playing; a few hours of progress on it. 

The classical music only reminds me as to why I'm listening to it in the first place. A pile of rocks fall on my shoulders as I remember Murdoc's love confession. Murdoc... He's most likely inside already. As I begin to push myself out of bed my movements come to an abrupt stop as a haunting realization comes to mind. 

Murdoc... Low vibrations... Is he..?

Ever so slowly I guide my hands up to my ears to remove my earbuds, but when they touchdown on the small devices, my hands freeze. I somehow don't want to believe it, I don't want to witness it. The thought of him playing the bass somehow makes me feel sick. Really sick.

After long thought, long enough to where my hands get clammy, I finally remove my safe cloak of music away from my ears. God how I fucking wish my connection to the two was completely and utterly wrong, but there was no mistaking it. Murdoc is playing the bass.